Dysfunction Suits Me

I've been writing so many more blogs over on my MySpace than I have here! But, they're very frivolous over there. I do a lot of surveys, and a lot of just silly things. But, it's harder here. Since I began this blog, almost 3 years ago, as a "journal" almost...it's hard for me to just throw something out there that isn't laced with "feeling"...but I just haven't had much of those lately. Feelings. I mean I have, but I've been really numb, too. Which may be a good thing for me. I probably need to feel numb for a little while after all the trauma.

I love pedicures. And would love to get them pretty often, but the truth is I only make it like once every 3 months or so. A month ago I took Andrea to get her first pedicure, and we decided to get wild and crazy. I got my first "design" on my big toe. A hiabiscus. I LOVED it! Then, yesterday, it was time for a new look. Andrea went for a very wintery theme...Christmas blue w/ a very nice snowflake. I decided to go for a "New Yearsy" look. Russian Navy, with a kind of twinkling star...well, the girls didn't get it. Andrea tried really hard to explain to them what I wanted, but in the end the lady just said, "You want snowflake?" And I gave in, and just said, "Yea, give me a fucking snowflake!" Well, without the cursing anyway. As she began I immediately knew it was an awful idea....she started by making a HUGE cross...and the more I watched her try to fill it in...the more my face crumpled...the more Andrea laughed at me....Anyway, I guess it

I have felt unlike myself all day. I have had this nasty anxious feeling....and yes, I've taken my meds...and there's like this giant, deep well of sadness that wants to bubble out and over, but for some reason my mind it isn't letting that happen...and I don't know if that's a good thing...part of me thinks I need a "release", and the other part knows that possibly, if I let those emotions out, it would only hurt me more...better to avoid. That's what my brain always does best. I just don't know where this has come from. And I don't know what to do about it. And I do have a secret. A secret that if anyone knew...especially all those people who are really close to me, and love me...if they knew...they would be so disappointed in me...so angry with me...so sad for me....and to the point of being at the end of their ropes with me....and I don't want to disappoint. Ever. So, I will continue to keep my little secret....and if the only t

This year Gabby was Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas! It was her best costume, yet! It didn't even look like her. I didn't dress up this year. Except at work...but all I had to put on was a pair of nerdy glasses and a lab coat.

I don't know what's going on with me, but I've been kind of anti-computer lately. I haven't wanted to take the time to just sit down, and blog about even the most trivial of things. But I realize, I can't just throw the thing out there about JC's pregnant girlfriend without an explaination to all of you who have been faithful readers, and are now a part of my life. I've actually known since pretty much right after we broke up that the girl he cheated on me with was pregnant. He told me. But, I just didn't want it to be something that consumed my thoughts, or my life. It's his screw up. He's the one who got caught, has to live a lifestyle he didn't want, got trapped into a situation, and is pretty much miserable. His daughter was actually born this weekend. Premature. Only 4lbs because that girl didn't want to take care of herself and gain any weight. But I don't wish anything bad on that baby or on JC...hmmm...just maybe on

Unless you have access to Keelee's blog, you can't see her pictures, but Jess sent me hers, and I will be getting them, and a blog up really soon. Maybe tonight. But you can see the pictures on my MySpace page. There's a link on the sidebar. What a drama filled week I have had! Just stuff at work, and then I ran into Andy (aka Mr. Incredible) while having lunch with Joshy...and then yesterday I went to get my nails done with my sister, and low and behold...there was JC's pregnant girlfriend getting a pedicure. I could have killed her, but I think I kept my composure pretty well...and there was no way I was leaving! I needed fills badly! It was my sister who announced publically that she refused to sit next to her. A little embarassing, but I'm really glad my sis stuck up for me...and so did the little Asian lady. My sister apologized and said, "I'm sorry, but that girl slept with my sister's boyfriend, and that's how she got knocked up.&quo

I just haven't felt like blogging when I get home from work. I spend all day on the computer, and don't want to go near it when at home. But, I will...blog about Colorado, and definitely put up the pics once we get all of them from the 3 digital cameras. But for now, you can go to Jess' blog (Mrs. Jones on my sidebar), to hear read about our fun, or to Keelee's (Dipadova's Daily Dose on my sidebar) to see some pics.

What a perfectly glorious morning to wake up to on the day I fly out to Colorado Springs for my mini-vacation! I know right about the time I'm getting to the airport it will probably be 100 degrees again, but for right now it's cool, breezy, brisk, crisp, and fresh out there. Almost seems like a send off from this beautiful city that I love! I'm getting ready to pack. What to pack? I have no clue! Tonight in Denver/Colorado Springs? Forty-four for the low. Tomorrow? 72! Not so bad, but that's the day we go up the mountain, so it might get colder. And then on Sunday? The high is a whopping 43!!! How the hell do you pack for that crazy weather??? I'm from TEXAS!!! Layers. It's all about the layers. Which means taking my biggest suitcase. Jess thought she and E could get away with just a carry-on! Hahahahahahahaha! I think she's changed her mind.

No, just kidding. I don't have a lot to say about YOU, Jess, silly! I can't even remember all that I wanted to say yesterday! Right now I'm just stallling because I don't have that much to do at work, today. 1. I have the most adorable kittens EVER! But, just like Gabby, they are growing so fast! I used to be able to hold them with just one hand, but not anymore. They have some very strange habits that one day, when I don't feel embarassed by it (like it's my fault), I will write a post about. 2. Last weekend I kind of buried the hatchet with my friend Andrea. I never blogged about it, but we had a falling out sometime after Jess' wedding last year. I'm happy she's back in my life. 3. I don't want men in my life anymore. Friends or otherwise. At least not right now. I need more women in my life. Unfortunately they're actually hard to come by. 4. I got a pedicure yesterday. I love pedicures! It's not eventhat your toena

This week has been crazy busy! I'm leaving on Friday for my mini-vacation in Colorado. I hope I can get back here before then. I have a few things I would like to say!

Until I'm in Colorado Springs with Jess, Eric, Keelee, and Lou! I'm super excited. I even bought waterproof hiking boots to climb a mountain! So, any of you that are my friends here in SA better start hiking with me...I'm not using these things for just one trip! Or...we'll have to take another mountain trip!

Yesterday at Pier 1, I bought this really cool, iron wall hanging that I just had to have, and it was only $10. I went and returned a shirt I had bought a couple of weeks ago just so I could get it. It's this long wrought iron thing that holds pictures. You know like those picture holders that are just clips? It has all these little circle things down each side so you can just stick pictures in it. Man, I'm doing a horrible job at explaining this! Anyway, I put it up, and picked out all the pictures I wanted to put on it, but I just don't like the place I hung it up. I put it out in the living room, but my walls are already kind of crowded...I'm thinking I need to move it to my room. I don't know...just talking it out...

When I ate bagels every morning, I would get Light Plain Cream Cheese...because it was better for me. And they used to pile my bagel a mile high with cream cheese...which would then get very messy when I would have to remove it! Now that I only have bagels every now and then, I splurge and get the Honey Walnut Cream Cheese...and what do you think those people do to me every single time! They give me like a tiny droplet of cream cheese! This is the stuff I want piled high! It ruins my whole bagel experience.

Gabby: You took the kitties to the vet today? Me: Yep. Gabby: What do they do to them? Me: They just check them out. They do the same stuff to them that the doctor does to you when you go for a check-up. Gabby: Like take their temperature and stuff? Me: Yep. Do you know how they check their temperature? It makes them mad. Gabby: No, how? Me: They put the thermometers in their butts. Gabby: They do what!? That's crazy! Me: It's the same way they take a baby's temperature. Gabby: They did that to me!!?? Me: Yes, of course. (Not really...they had the "ear thermometer" by then) Gabby: *blinks in disbelief*...I'M SUING!

It's been a long week! And I haven't really been able to do any unpacking because Gabby and I have had so many other appointments and errands and such this week. Yesterday I took the kitties to the vet. They need this liquid medication that I have to give them in a syringe. I knew they would fight me, but I was not prepared for how strong they are! I have scratches EVERYWHERE! And they were pissed to say the least. Apache hated it the most. He tore me up with his flesh tearing claws...and then he sat on the floor with a sad little face...bubbles of medicine dripping from his lip...he wouldn't even lick it off...he just kept smacking his mouth and making MORE bubbles and foam! We love those little kittens, but they have decided that wrestling with each other in my bed at 1 am is their favorite past time! At which point I grab a kitty...whichever I can find...both would be best...throw them out my door, and close the door...at which point they scratch and cry...I sl

My "heart" isn't really in my new apartment yet. It's still mourning all the old memories from the old apartment. But, I do love it. I really love it! It's so much bigger, and I have brand new carpet. The move was hard. My washing machine and computer desk both fell apart when we tried to move them. So...I got new ones! YAY! I couldn't believe I had collected as much crap as I had in 10 years! But I got rid of everything that hadn't been seen or touched in quite a while. I don't even remember the final total on the number of trash bags that went to trash or Goodwill. Everything is all clean now! And not smokey! Except for my closet. The smoke is embeded into my clothing! So, I'm doing one or two loads of laundry every night, and hopefully it will disappear! Gabby likes it, but I think she's a little stressed. Her room is further away from mine, and she grew up in our old apartment from birth. And, we won't have cable until

...blogging to you in the early hours of the morning. Drinking coffee. Smoking. I haven't been able to do this in almost a year. This used to be my favorite part of the day. I'd write a blog, and then sit here reading blogs all morning before a nap. Well, there will be no napping today. I have to move. I don't know why I'm procrastinating so much. Ok, moving sucks. But I'm a little sad to let this apartment go, too. There are so many good memories here. Lots of bad ones, too. Here recently everything in here reminds me of JC, and I just want it all gone!!! And there were plenty of fights and bad memories from when Gabby's dad lived here, too. But this is also the place where I first brought Gabby home from the hospital. It has been our home for almost 10 years! I moved in one week before Gabby was born. We actually moved in on my due date. And here in this apartment is where she grew up...where her dad and I laughed with her and played with he

I AM the world's biggest slacker. I'M MOVING TOMORROW!!! AND I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING!

Social Expressiveness In social settings you will tend to be quieter and more reserved than the average person. In fact, many may view you as shy because you would rather let others do the talking. Oftentimes, people who have the most to say do the least amount of talking only because they feel inhibited when there is a big audience. This does not mean that you would be introverted in a relationship because intimacy usually breaks down the inhibitions we feel in social settings. Keep in mind that the fear to speak up in social settings can be overcome with practice. It's important that you learn to speak up when you have something important to say, even if your feel uncomfortable doing so. You should also be aware that your tendency to be highly reactive to negative stimuli does not mesh well with your introverted nature. In fact, when you react too quickly to dangerous situations when you are normally reserved and quiet, others view this as being weak or even cowardly. Note: it do

What am I going to do when my new crush at work no longer has training in the conference room right next to my cube??? He just passed by, but I am here, on the phone on hold, typing to you fine folks...not even a glimpse. Tonight I'm taking Gabby to her dad's, and I'm going to start organizing for my move. Tomorrow night is my really good friend from high school, Armando's, 31st Surprise Birthday Party. Should be interesting. I'm taking my co-worker with me...and this other crush of mine is going to be there...in fact he's driving into SA tomorrow to move here...exciting. My cats are hilarious, and keep Gabby and me entertained quite a bit! Work is great...everything's great right now...except sleep...God! I wish I could get more sleep!

You are Maryiln Monroe A classic tortured beauty You're the dream girl of many men Yet they never seem to treat you right What Famous Pinup Are You?

I'm at work! And I have a very big crush on this new guy! He has to keep walking by my cube to get to the conference room where he's training. Today I did a great big "Hello!" and smile! My co-worker sent me an email that said, "Stop flirting and get to work!" Hahahahaha! I really didn't it want it to be that obvious. Anyhoo...I have work things to do! And I can't think of anything else to say at the moment! Have a great day!

We are in the year of the boar...pig...whatever you want to call it. I call it EVIL! It is especially evil for a Cancer like me. When I read my predicitons for this year, I think it said that I would have 1 good month, 2 ok months, and 9 bad months. It ain't lyin'!!! I have had some really great stuff happen this year, but it's always been coupled with some downfall. And I'm not sure that that one good month has happened yet. I hope not! And, once again it's happening. I'm moving! Yay! I've lived in the same apartment for 9 years, so I am now, finally moving...I'm staying in the same complex, but I'm moving to a bigger apartment with two bathrooms and a pool view. So, that's been good news. I have an upcoming vacation to Colorado Springs during one of the prettiest times of year. And then I had lunch with my sister and parent's today. My dad has skin cancer again. Stage 2. After he's already had all the skin removed from h

...because I am so mad I will punch you in the mouth, and piss in your eye! My team leader who I love, and think is just awesome called me into his office almost at the end of work today, where he preceded to tell me that he had to talk to me about something that had nothing to do with work. At which point I was pretty freaked out. He then said, "Someone complained about the tattoo on your ankle showing." I couldn't believe it! The first thing I blurted out was, "So, is someone going to say something to so-and-so about her ARMBAND??" He said he hadn't noticed it, but yes he would monitor it, and say something to her too if need be. He also made sure to tell me that his boss and him both did not care, but that some other departments are bigger, and their managers care. So, I'm pretty sure that it was another manager, and no one in my department. I mean I hope it's not in my department! They're so laid back there! And then in his usual fun

This is addicting!

You Are More Like Angelina Jolie Bad girl with a heart of gold. You are smart, sexy, and strong willed. You aren't against stealing another girl's man... If he's better off with you! Are You More Like Jennifer or Angelina?

I've been making a lot of lists lately. It's been teraputic, and of course, that's the purpose. Therapy. I'm kind of in a phase where I'm learning to love my body. I mean, I am working hard, and I've lost another 2lbs...but just in case I don't get there, I want to love it anyway. And there are lots of things that I do love about it. It's only been in the last couple of years that I haven't felt very sexy. But 5 years ago, when I weighed the most I've ever weighed, I still felt sexy...I think that had something to do with the boyfriend I had at the time...he thought I was the sexiest thing alive at any weight...it definitely boosted my self esteem. Things I don't like about my physical appearance: 1. I absolutely despise my innter thighs! 2. And...for the rest of my body...the only thing I don't like is my abdomen area...that's always been where I carry the most weight...and I never did lose that "baby stomach"...

I've been taking some new medications for the last few months. Wonderful, wonderful drugs! Sometimes I stop and am like, "Who was that person before?" So, anyway...I knew there was something wrong with the medication though. I wasn't losing any weight, and I've been working out, and eating right, but nothing was happening, except that I have been getting stronger and more in shape, but I wasn't having "fat loss". I saw a new doctor early this week, who before I could even tell her any of my concerns...she said, "We HAVE to get you off this one medication!" It's the one I've been taking at night to sleep. She said that there are so many other things that are ten times better to take to sleep, and the medication I was on was making me gain weight, and not be able to lose it. Her exact words were, "You'll see! We get you off of this stuff, and the weight is just going to fall off! Especially if you've been workin

I was getting a little worried. He had been lethargic ever since I brought him home. So, yesterday they both went to the vet, and they both got a clean bill of health! The vet said they both looked really good....EXCEPT...they're both severely underweight. Now they are on a special diet of high energy and high protein food. Last night when I gave the new wet food to them, they went CRAZY! They ate for like 30 minutes! Poor things! They were starving! I feel so bad! I mean it's not my fault, but I wish the Humane Society had told me! I went by PetCo last night to get Black Hawk and Apache a scratching post, and guess what???? PetCo has turtles now! I so want to get some...I'll name them Cuff and Link! Ha Ha! And then...the hamsters were super cute, too! We could use a Hammy II. Sheesh! I'm going to turn into Ms. Doolittle! Also at the vet, the girl made a comment about how loud Black Hawk was purring, and I said, "I know! I think that's why the

Those are the names of the two new men in my life. Yesterday I had lunch with my sister, and then we were like, "Hmmm...what should we do next? Shopping?" Sounded good, we even called my dad to ask for money. But, we're both in the process of losing weight, so we decided that shopping will be much more fun once we're in smaller sizes. That's how we ended up at the Humane Society. And how I ended up adopting two 3 month old kittens. It may sound a little impulsive, but I've been thinking about it for a while, and I have looked at hundreds of kittens. I really am a dog lover...but in the end, I'm an animal lover, and a dog in my small apartment, and with my busy schedule, would just be cruel. These two little black kitties won my heart. The names the Humane Society gave them were Black Hawk...who is black, but looks a little gray, with hair sticking up in all directions, and gold eyes...and Richard who is sleek black with green eyes. Since Black Hawk

This year has brought me A LOT of changes. I think almost everyone of them is on the top things that cause stress, too! 1. I graduated from school. 2. Which meant I had to leave school, which I loved!, and that I had to find out what to do with myself in the evenings after work! 3. I had a two year relationship end. 4. Which meant that I had to completely change everything I had planned for the future. 5. I resigned from the IRS, where I had worked for 8 years. 6. Which meant I had to change all of the people I was used to seeing every single day, and I no longer would have my summers off from work. 7. I started a brand new job/career. 8. Which meant I had to learn a whole new job and industry, and meet different people. 9. Josh got a girlfriend. 10. Which means I no longer have him around...at all...which pisses me off, but I guess he's gotta do what he's gotta do. There are other changes currently under way, like my co-worker and I are being moved in our departmen

I am so proud of myself! Ray Ray the Killer wants me to start lifting weights 4 times a week...two with him, and two on my own. I have a hard enough time getting into the gym to do cardio on my own, let alone weights! But I'm getting more and more serious about getting back in shape, since being with Peter Pan destroyed my self image! So, today not only did I go in and do weights by myself, I did 20 minutes of cardio, too! I was getting chills from how proud of myself I was, and probably all the endorphins rushig through my body. I am actually excited to get back in there and do it again tomorrrow. Except I have a problem. Only a few of my t-sirts and shorts for the gym fit me. BUT I'M NOT BUYING ANYTHING NEW IN A BIGGER SIZE! I'll just have to wash clothes alot till the other stuff starts fitting. I also ate perfectly today! Yay me! Go Go Go!!!

Because I'm pissed, and must blog! I had a flat tire this morning! I stopped to throw some stuff away, and heard this hissing, and sat there like an idiot wondering, "What the hell is that noise?" And then as I turned on to the main street I heard...clunk clunk clunk...it was me hissing. I had a flat, and I was on my way to pick up my sister, who's car is in the shop, and we were going to have this fabulous day with Gabby...breakfast and then pedicures/manicures. I called roadside assistance which said it could take up to an hour, but I only waited for about 10 minutes when this little old guy pulls up and changed it in about 5 minutes. Love him! I am going to have to pass a good deed along sometime soon in memory of him! Hmmm...maybe I'll just be nice to Josh for a day. Hmmm...maybe not.

(Guess where I'm blogging to your from??????? HOME!!!! YAY!!!!) So, there's a part in Runaway Bride where Richard Gere's character asks Julia Roberts how she likes her eggs. His point is that she likes whatever it is that the "guy of the moment" likes. Haven't we all done this? Of course. I've done it a lot! I ate my eggs with chorizo almost everyday when I was with Gabby's dad. I ate my eggs with refried beans when I was in my next relationship with John. And I ate a shitload of pizza when I was with JC (And I'm not a big fan of the marinara!). I've changed lots of things about myself when I have entered into any relationship, and by the time I get comfortable enough for the "real me" to start showing through, the guy's like, "Whoa! Where did this person come from?!" And that's when I find out that I have picked guys who love the batting of the eyelashes, the big smiles, the fake laughs at their stupid jo

This could get long....... So, last Friday I took the day off from work to clean and run and around and do some errands before the first night of the reunion. I was up early and I put VH1 on, because believe it or not they actually play videos really early in the morning...so, I start to wash my kitchen floor and video after video came on of angry, girl power songs...I started to swiffer very angrily...I kept getting more and more mad...working out some aggression...and the damn Swiffer kept falling apart! Needless to say I was even more pissed! But continue to Angry Swiffer I did! I wonder what my neighbors thought of me after that! All the F words that came flying out of my mouth...loudly...at the Swiffer and someone else...But glad I got that out for the weekend of fun ahead! Also on Friday I went and got my eyebrows waxed. As I was laying there in the spa bed with sounds of ocean waves and chanting surrounding me, I started to think about this world of "beauty" that

My day off. And what did I do? Yep, I cleaned. I mean CLEANED! Something that I quit doing. WoW! I really did let my life and my "self" go to complete shit for the last couple of years. And ultimately that was my fault in the end...I mean it was directly my fault, but indirectly it was because of Peter Pan Syndrome...I think you know what I mean. I've said it all before...I quit going to the gym, I quit tanning, I quit being a mom, I quit cleaning...and organizing which I've said before I'm a freak about organizing. So, today I finally got the last of the "shit" out of my apartment. It smells good...like me...it looks good...and I even rearranged stuff so that it would feel like a new start...new shower curtain (I told you I was a linen whore!)...hung up some new art...It's refreshing...and it was cleansing...theraputic...I cried a lot...but the good kind of crying...a release... And I had the weirdest lunch....mini corndogs...and I made a

So, my birthday started on Sunday with my mom cooking prime rib and potato salad (my choice!), and a carrot cake w/ homemade icing! Yum! My sister got me the cutest pair of Uggs and "Gabby" (aka my dad) got me an MP3 player (Means I have no excuse not to do cardio!). Then today I woke up to a happy birthday call from Joshy...got to work where my desk was decorated with pink balloons, and a present of some bath and body works stuff. They made me a cake too...yellow with chocolate frosting! My fav! They also got me a great card and a gift card to WalMark...Yay, Shopping! Then my cell phone was overloaded with all the best wishes from friends and family....For lunch, Josh ordered me lunch, met me in the lobby, gave me money, and sent me on my way to pick it up (he couldn't leave for lunch)...delicious tacos from Order Up! When I got back to work from lunch I had some really pretty yellow and pink flowers waiting for me on my desk from whom other than Jess the Greates

A few months ago I was terrified of turning 30. I didn't want it to happen. But, as the day actually nears, I'm not scared at all...I'm actually looking forward to it. I suppose there are some negatives to it...like I really should give up the last of the graphic tees...but I've been doing some really good things with my life, and it looks like turning the big 3-0 can only make it better. Want some good things about turning 30? 1. Thirty really is the new 20...and I have proof...I've had some experience in the last couple of years of knowing first hand that 20 is the new 10. 2. I really am a grown up...and I feel like one for the first time. I feel like my struggle in life is in a whole new place...family, career, me, and good friends...those are top priority...instead of drinking, fun, and fun friends... 3. Thirty sounds better than the infamous out in la-la land 29. 4. I look better at 30 than I did at 15. 5. I feel in control. 6. I see now what all tho

Just so you know...my computer is sitting here, on the floor, next to me...at my parent's house!!! Woo Hoo! I've taken the first step in getting it fixed...but alas, there it sits...I'm not the only slacker in the family! Also, I turn 30 in less than 20 days...

I'm Going Bananas Every afternoon I've been grabbing a banana from the pantry at work for my afternoon snack. The other day I walked into the pantry and was super excited that there was a perfect banana! No black spots, and just a little green at the top...just the way I like them! My usual routine is to cut the banana up, put it in a bowl, and eat it with a fork at my desk. So, on this particular day I started to peel my banana...and I kept peeling...and then I felt my cheeks start to flush...I realized that I was starting to get worried that someone else might walk in...this banana was huge...almost the size of a plantain...and I was feeling like I was doing something horribly obscene! I had found the Dirk Digler of bananas. But luckily, no one did walk in to find my embarrassingly cutting up the banana. So, I waked quietly back to my disk, and quietly laughed to myself as my flushed cheeks returned to their normal shade. The Mystery of the Bugle Do you know what a bugle is?

I promise!!! A new blog, a new list...and who knows what else!!!

I recently read a book called Good Grief...it was about a woman who's husband dies and the book is split up into the five stages of grief. It was sad, but written with lots of humor...and it kind of applies to just losing someone in general. The one thing I liked a lot in this book was that the main character and her best friend have this thing that they do every time they go out with a guy and it ends for one reason or another...they write a "good riddance" list...a list composed of all those things you convinced yourself were "cute", but really down deep they annoyed you to no end...so I thought this would be something good for me to do in my whole healing/growing process...this isn't meant to be bashing or mean spirited in any way...it's just the truth... Good Riddance List 1. It annoyed me that he didn't take good care of his teeth. Not only just the shape of them...but everything... 2. It annoyed me that he sounded like a flock of geese whe

First off I remembered a couple of the other movies I watched: 1. Friends with Money...It was good. Ok I guess is more like it. 2. The Holiday...LOVED this one...I could watch it over and over and over again. I started watching the Party of Five DVDs and can't stop! They're just too good! I also rented The Last King of Scotland, The Devil Wears Prada, and One Night with the King...I'll let you know how that goes. In trying to "get better" and progress I've been doing a little self exploration in order to find out who I am, where I'm going, and to just basically get so that I love myself. Part of that is working on why I'm such a mess with relationships. A little while before I met JC I was talking to Ray Ray the Killer about what I was looking for in a guy. He asked and I responded, "Someone who lives on his own, can do his own laundry, and can balance his own checkbook." Ray Ray said, "That's it?" And, yea...that was i

I've been watching a lot of movies lately...ALOT!!! Some I've bought...some I rented...some I had seen before and bought anyway...some I bought and still haven't seen...it's been good "therapy" as Jessica put it. Maybe...it takes my mind off things...and really good movies are always good for the soul...and I think of really good movies kind of like books...you can learn something...even if it's only about yourself. :) 1. Blood Diamond...saw it in the theatre, but LOVE this one...watch it!!! 2. Bobby...rented it...really liked it. 3. Rumor Has It...I love Shirley Mcclain in anything! I cried my eyes out. Of course I did watch it right after the next one.d 4. World Trade Center...everyone has their own sad story dealing with 9/11, and I definitely have my own demons from that day...week...I thought it was a great movie. 5. Volver...started off thinking it was kind of weird...Spanish humor is different from American humor, but by the end I was lovi

1. Who would have thought? That I might actually like my new job. This afternoon I was out of training and on my own. It wasn't so bad. The work actually keeps me busy enough, and you have to put a lot of thought into it, so it was a challenge, and I wasn't bored at all...and it wasn't hard. It was ok. I'm still not giving up my dreams. But to get some cash, I might not have picked such a bad job afterall. 2. I'm really into women empowerment right now. I know, it's very cliche for a woman who's just been burned. But you know the old saying...fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me. Well, that's exactly what happened. I gave JC a second chance, and now it's shame on me. And I won't fall into that trap again. I turned a blind eye to many a thing because of my own insecurities, but I really believe that my next relationship will be so much better because I will love me first....which takes me to... 3. I don't look

When I was 15 my mom took me to see a therapist. Which I guess for any 15-year old this could be a good thing. I was diagnosed as having depression, but back then (yes, I think I'm old enough to say that...it was 15 years ago!) depression was still a hush, hush...maybe it isn't real kind of thing. I ended up liking my therapist a lot. In fact it became a not so good relationship because we both became kind of like friends. I took medication over the years, but never really thought it helped me. I always thought I could manage it. And for the most part I did. I mean you don't get a degree with a kid without managing something. But I've acted out in ways I shouldn't have many a time. I'm sure JC was part of that. But now I know that I can manage the depression, it's the anxiety (that I didn't really think I had) that I can't manage. So, when my relationship falls apart, I have to say goodbye to one job, and hello to another in one weeks time...well...l

I think about the past alot. I always have, but recently I've been thinking about it in a different light. I usually think about the past in a longing way. Wanting to go back to times when things were different in some way...or missing people...or the usual. But lately I've really been thinking about how my past relates to my present and my future. Which I guess is the more healthy way to think of it. So, if some of my blogs are about things from the past, and it's boring, I apologize up front. I'm hoping that eventually my past is going to catch up with my present, and put me a better place...if that makes any sense. But, once again, my dad is wanting his computer back pretty quick. So...more to come...at my new home.

My dad is itching to get his computer back...so I'll make this short...I'm so happy to be more anonymous. We'll see if just changing the address works. If not, I'll make my settings so that only invited people can read, or I'll get a password. Something. But it feels much better to be able to express myself. So...I'll elaborate more, but let me just say that things were pretty desperate for a week or so there after JC and I broke up. I was hysterical, frantic, and a crying mess. But...I finally went to see a doctor, and am finally being treated with medication for depression and anxiety. Please don't send me hate mail for doing this. You have no idea how much it helps. I see clear...really, really clear. Ok, my dad keeps walking down the hall and asking how I'm doing...he really wants his computer back. I'll write more tomorrow.