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What's going on?

I have felt unlike myself all day. I have had this nasty anxious feeling....and yes, I've taken my meds...and there's like this giant, deep well of sadness that wants to bubble out and over, but for some reason my mind it isn't letting that happen...and I don't know if that's a good thing...part of me thinks I need a "release", and the other part knows that possibly, if I let those emotions out, it would only hurt me more...better to avoid. That's what my brain always does best. I just don't know where this has come from. And I don't know what to do about it. And I do have a secret. A secret that if anyone knew...especially all those people who are really close to me, and love me...if they knew...they would be so disappointed in me...so angry with me...so sad for me....and to the point of being at the end of their ropes with me....and I don't want to disappoint. Ever. So, I will continue to keep my little secret....and if the only thing I have to keep at bay is the occassional ugly moments when the thoughts of this secret rear their little nasty heads...then I'll be able to keep the secret....and not anger anyone...I will continue to deal on my own. As I have been all along. These thoughts only matter to me anyway.......

And, I feel rotten. I'm really ok. And tomorrow, I'll be even more ok. And, some people at the moment don't have an "ok" to look forward to for quite a while. Things could be much worse....

Comments

stephanie said…
It sounds like your secret is making you anxious and uncomfortable? I hope you are feeling better....
12:32 PM
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