Depression

When I was 15 my mom took me to see a therapist. Which I guess for any 15-year old this could be a good thing. I was diagnosed as having depression, but back then (yes, I think I'm old enough to say that...it was 15 years ago!) depression was still a hush, hush...maybe it isn't real kind of thing. I ended up liking my therapist a lot. In fact it became a not so good relationship because we both became kind of like friends. I took medication over the years, but never really thought it helped me. I always thought I could manage it. And for the most part I did. I mean you don't get a degree with a kid without managing something. But I've acted out in ways I shouldn't have many a time. I'm sure JC was part of that. But now I know that I can manage the depression, it's the anxiety (that I didn't really think I had) that I can't manage. So, when my relationship falls apart, I have to say goodbye to one job, and hello to another in one weeks time...well...let's just say I lost it...but I could have probably lost it even more if I hadn't sought out help as soon as Jessica left. She once told me that it was irresponsible of me not to get this kind of help. So, I finally did. And it has literally almost overnight changed my life. I'm not in my bathrobe crying, calling into work...in fact the only thing that probably shows that I've had all this life changing stuff is the fact that I haven't shaved my legs since the night that JC and I were supposed to go out, and we broke up instead...hmmm 3 weeks of stubble...well...it's not even stubble anymore. I'm taking care of it tomorrow though. I only have so many pairs of workout pants to wear to the gym.

I don't deal with change very well, so I'm not going to sit here and say that I no longer feel ANYTHING about the changes that have occured here recently, but I don't dwell on them, and I'm not a mess...in fact I'm having a hard time crying at all even if I wanted to. Do I miss JC? You bet. Am I pissed as hell at him? Absolutely...but I can analyze things till the end of time...and still...the result will be the same...so what's the point.

I really am in the process of learning that I can only control my own happiness...no one else's...and no one else can control mine...I'm really glad that I don't have to carry around this "burden" anymore...and I have help...and I've had help from LOADS of people as well as the drugs...people I didn't even know loved me that much...but they do. And that's what counts...how much I love myself...and how much I'm loved by the people in my life who are meant to be there.

I'm turning 30 this year, and it's a big step...I think. Somehow my brain sees it as something really good...leaving the angst ridden 20's. Even though I still have lots to learn...I feel like I'm actually going to be an adult...like a big part of the growing is out of the way...and good riddance...I'm looking forward more to the lessens that will be learned in the ladder half of my life. I know that sounds weird to some...30 is not death...but if I only live to be 60 then I am at the half way mark...we'll see...think I'll still be blogging at 60? LOL.

I'm not sure that just changing my address to this blog worked, so don't be surprised if you get a new email if I make it completely private this week.