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Little Miss Sunshine...That's Me!

Ok, not really. I went to bed fairly early last night. Earlier than usual. I've had plenty of sleep. More than usually get. But my alarm went off this morning, and I was so tired. I woke up completely dreading today. Dreading having to face this freakin' day. Dreading that I need to get up and do something. Dreading that I made a plan for myself, and I don't think I can complete it. Last night I made a list of things to do. I do that a lot actually, but I usually go all out and make HUGE lists...because I have HUGE amounts of things to do that I constantly put off. So, last night I made a little list. Just little starters. I thought if I could at least just get started with little tasks I could somehow accomplish one or two little things and that would give me a boost. I even made sure I included fun things that I would want to do. I told JC about it before bed last night, and he was so happy about it. I think his response was, "Baby, that's sooooo good. That's exactly what you need to do. Just little baby steps. You can do it!" But I don't think I can. Just getting up and throwing on some clothes to take Gabby to school takes so much work. And it's one thing to constantly be disappointing myself, but now that I let JC know about my "list"...I don't want to disappoint him, too. He sounded so...I don't know...almost relieved that I was trying to make an effort. But right now all I want to do is climb back in bed, read a little, fall back asleep...And it will just start this fucking vicious cycle all over again. I'll feel horrible about myself today, and it will continue tomorrow...I know...anyone reading this will probably be thinking what a loser I am, and if I'm talking about this why can't just do something! It's really not that easy...not at all.

Things that I HAVE to do today, and will for sure:
1. Pick up cash from:
JC ~ go to bank
Gabby's dad later this evening
2. Go by the TX unemployment office and turn in some paperwork

Things I really want to accomplish today, and not sure I will:
1. Bagel/Blog (ok, I'm doing this now!)
2. Gym - might give me motivation by getting my adrenaline and endorphins working! And it's only 20 minutes of cardio! Come on! I can do that easy, right?
3. Tan - might help me relax
4. Read for half an hour (This I will probably do, but hopefully I can keep it to 30 minutes, and not fall asleep!)
5. Start Laundry
6. Clean car out - I have a brand new car and it should not look the way it does!
7. GO GET AN OIL CHANGE!!!
8. I need to fix my resume - then email to mom and sister.
9. Check the mail for my package from Jessica - Victoria's Secret laundry detergent will give me some sort of aromatherpy!
10. Clean patio. I DON'T WANT TO SMOKE IN MY APT ANYMORE!!! If patio is cleaned I'll sit out there like I used to. I need to quit, but that's a whole other post, and a whole other list. But I can at least make the effort to cut down by going outside, and a whole lot of other things will be better because of it. I have smoked in here for a year now, and I can't stand it anymore...

So, not such a giant list...yeah there are 12 things I have assigned to myself today, and it looks long. It looks a little intimidating to me (which is so sad and dumb!), but some of them are things I want to do, and the others shouldn't take that much effort. But it feels like such an effort to even be here writing. I feel sick to my stomach. I need a job quick! So, I can affort my co-payment to see my doctor. And so I can afford to add another prescription to my list.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Good luck with the lists--BOTH lists! Sometimes I think motivation is the worst part because it is the hardest...but once you go to the gym or start your laundry or whatever, you will feel so good once it is accomplished-hopefully that will be motivating in itself. At least thats what usually works for me...now that we've moved I HATE getting out of bed because I have a longer drive ahead of me and in the evenings it has been taking between 1-1 1/2 hours, sitting in f-ing traffic, let me tell you, that sucks!!! :( But in a way, I can relate to how you feel! Have a great day! OH yeah! Where do you get that VS laundry detergent? Can you order it off their website? I want some!
~~~Stephanie
8:36 AM
Compulsive Lizzie said…
Thanks, Stephanie. I'm glad to see that I haven't scared off readers with my crappiness!

I usually buy it at the store. We have so many of them here, and I can get it in the ones that have a "seperate" store for make-up, perfume, etc. You HAVE to get some. I have never smelled something so wonderful in my life! Of course, laundry detergent of any kind IS my favorite smell! But this stuff...I could smell my laundry right out of the dryer all day long!
8:54 AM
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