I forget to appreciate people. In my head I do, but I forget to let them know that I do. And right now I feel really bad because JC gets a lot of my shit, and I don't tell him how much I appreciate him in my life. I just honestly have started taking him for granted. You would think that after everything that happened between us I wouldn't do that, but I do. So, I've been a lot more than just my moody self the last couple of months, and it has gotten progressively worse. And JC has definitely been hanging in there...he's not running off scared. He said he wouldn't do that again, and it's been understandable that it's been hard for me to trust that. But here he is...putting up with my out of nowhere crying...my unproductiveness...and everything else...and really he's doesn't say much about it...I'm not very good at multi tasking so in the midst of being depressed I forget to do other things. I always think I'm good at multi tasking but for me it's not really that. It's easy to go to school full-time, work full-time, keep a house, and be a single parent when you HAVE to. I just have never thought I had any choice. I'm just not good at multi tasking when it comes to relationships. Any kind of relationship.
Which is also why when I met JC, Andrea...everyone else...I kind of let MY other relationships go because I was putting my concentration into other things. And it's really left me out in the middle of nowhere. I inherited all of my new friends from my boyfriend. And while I do really enjoy the company of most of them...they don't really know me, and there's not really MY kind of bond there. But I let my relationships go with Josh, with my friend Carla, who I have only talked to like 5 times this year, my sister, my old high school friends (which was really more of a choice, but I did used to try to get together with them from time to time). My point is that it's really my own fault that I'm so depressed and feel so damn alone all the time. I have inherited friends, and nothing really to call my own, except JC...and that's great, but I don't want to take him shopping. I really think I need to find something of my own to get out of this freakin' funk. I need to start painting again, or seriously going to the gym, having my apartment look and feel like ME again, or hanging out with people who really do know me, want the best for me, and are "my kind of people". The problem is that now that I've let this slump get so far, it's hard to get motivated to do any of that stuff.
I had dinner with Josh last night, and I even though he annoys me...that's what I love about him and always have. And I do really miss sitting on my bed on Sunday mornings with him looking through the newspaper ads and eating bagels...and kicking him every now and then for purposely trying to push my buttons. I wish I had a better relationship with my sister. I love getting together with her. Even though I know that we aren't as close as we could be. I think we both do and say things that we don't intentionally mean to hurt the other person. But in just being ourselves we do. We just need to work on our communication skills. I feel so good when I do go to lunch with her. I feel so good after I go to dinner with Josh. I feel like I can do something after a phone call with Carla or Jessica. I feel absolutely wonderful and in control when I get emails from old friends...it makes me feel like myself.
I just need a change. I need a change that's going to better me, and bring positivity back into my life. All the new things that I've done, tried, the new people I've met in the last year...all of that has been great, but it's just not me. And I don't think I've necessarily grown from it. I think in some ways it has pushed me back.
So, time to stop talking. I can dream and talk all I want. I don't put much stalk in horoscopes...I just read them for fun, but yesterday it said that I should just start thinking that my dreams are reality...and if you read into that...it's pretty good advice. I'm just so tired. I really used to be good at being self reliant. So...stop talking, and DO something already!!! I'm so tired of being bitter and negative! I am definitely a complainer, but I used to find the silver lining. I no longer do that...and whether it's the new influences in my life or not, I am the only one that has the power to change that. I know...don't laugh too hard...I really haven't been watching Dr. Phil lately....I promise.
Today is a perfect day to start. I'm up super early. I actually went to bed at 1030 last night instead of 1am, I have a three day weekend without Gabby, so I don't feel so rushed, and I could get so much done today. At least one thing. Only good things, Samantha, only good things.
So, this weekend an old friend from high school...actually I've known this guy since kindergarten...that's a really hard thing to have a friend like that when you're a military brat...is coming into town and wants to do something. I can't wait! I also can't wait to go out with him and take JC with him. Maybe my boyfriend will catch a glimpse of the girl he knows in private out in public, and maybe he'll see more of what he saw when he first met me.
Oh, JC and I are going to Fiesta Texas on Sunday. Just the two of us. I'm so looking forward to it. Because of what he does for a living it's not often that we get to go out and do "normal" relationship things...like amusement parks, dinner, movies, etc.
I tried really hard to keep on topic and make this have some rhyme or reason to it, but I may have rambled as usual. Who cares. Today I write for me.
Which is also why when I met JC, Andrea...everyone else...I kind of let MY other relationships go because I was putting my concentration into other things. And it's really left me out in the middle of nowhere. I inherited all of my new friends from my boyfriend. And while I do really enjoy the company of most of them...they don't really know me, and there's not really MY kind of bond there. But I let my relationships go with Josh, with my friend Carla, who I have only talked to like 5 times this year, my sister, my old high school friends (which was really more of a choice, but I did used to try to get together with them from time to time). My point is that it's really my own fault that I'm so depressed and feel so damn alone all the time. I have inherited friends, and nothing really to call my own, except JC...and that's great, but I don't want to take him shopping. I really think I need to find something of my own to get out of this freakin' funk. I need to start painting again, or seriously going to the gym, having my apartment look and feel like ME again, or hanging out with people who really do know me, want the best for me, and are "my kind of people". The problem is that now that I've let this slump get so far, it's hard to get motivated to do any of that stuff.
I had dinner with Josh last night, and I even though he annoys me...that's what I love about him and always have. And I do really miss sitting on my bed on Sunday mornings with him looking through the newspaper ads and eating bagels...and kicking him every now and then for purposely trying to push my buttons. I wish I had a better relationship with my sister. I love getting together with her. Even though I know that we aren't as close as we could be. I think we both do and say things that we don't intentionally mean to hurt the other person. But in just being ourselves we do. We just need to work on our communication skills. I feel so good when I do go to lunch with her. I feel so good after I go to dinner with Josh. I feel like I can do something after a phone call with Carla or Jessica. I feel absolutely wonderful and in control when I get emails from old friends...it makes me feel like myself.
I just need a change. I need a change that's going to better me, and bring positivity back into my life. All the new things that I've done, tried, the new people I've met in the last year...all of that has been great, but it's just not me. And I don't think I've necessarily grown from it. I think in some ways it has pushed me back.
So, time to stop talking. I can dream and talk all I want. I don't put much stalk in horoscopes...I just read them for fun, but yesterday it said that I should just start thinking that my dreams are reality...and if you read into that...it's pretty good advice. I'm just so tired. I really used to be good at being self reliant. So...stop talking, and DO something already!!! I'm so tired of being bitter and negative! I am definitely a complainer, but I used to find the silver lining. I no longer do that...and whether it's the new influences in my life or not, I am the only one that has the power to change that. I know...don't laugh too hard...I really haven't been watching Dr. Phil lately....I promise.
Today is a perfect day to start. I'm up super early. I actually went to bed at 1030 last night instead of 1am, I have a three day weekend without Gabby, so I don't feel so rushed, and I could get so much done today. At least one thing. Only good things, Samantha, only good things.
So, this weekend an old friend from high school...actually I've known this guy since kindergarten...that's a really hard thing to have a friend like that when you're a military brat...is coming into town and wants to do something. I can't wait! I also can't wait to go out with him and take JC with him. Maybe my boyfriend will catch a glimpse of the girl he knows in private out in public, and maybe he'll see more of what he saw when he first met me.
Oh, JC and I are going to Fiesta Texas on Sunday. Just the two of us. I'm so looking forward to it. Because of what he does for a living it's not often that we get to go out and do "normal" relationship things...like amusement parks, dinner, movies, etc.
I tried really hard to keep on topic and make this have some rhyme or reason to it, but I may have rambled as usual. Who cares. Today I write for me.
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