Dysfunction Suits Me

I downloaded some new update I needed for my computer, and now...I can't get online. I just don't have the patience right now to upload everything again...mess around with my external modem...I just don't wanna!!! JC is so much better. He was given a clean bill of health from the doctor. No permanent damage. The weight just dropped from my shoulders when the doc said that, and I think a lot of it finally dropped from JC's shoulders when he went out last night, and he went to revisit the "spot". I've applied for two jobs in Austin. Both of which I really, really want. They'd both be working for the state. Not too thrilled at the thought of living in Austin, but I could always move to San Marcos or New Braunfels. So, once again, until I get the computer up and running I'm going to have to rely on coming to my parent's house to use theirs. But, it works out better than it did before because I have to be looking for jobs everyday. I just c...

I realized that the way I phrased it when I said that I missed waking up to [JC's] his face, not only did it sound selfish, but it sounded shallow. I did not actually mean the way he "looks", I meant that I miss the happiness and confidence that is in that picture. I love this guy too much to care about what he actually looks like anymore. I mean, of course, I think he's hotter than anything, but even if his bruises were permanent, I would still love him. I spent all day yesterday at his house. We slept, and then ordered pizza, and then I watched him play a video game. Yes, I am a weird girlfriend that actually likes to do that. Then I took the titches out of his eye. They were starting to fall out on their own, so I just clipped and pulled. It was actually kind of cool. I told him they looked like they were ready to come out a couple of days ago. Then I drove him over to my house while I went to pick up Gabby and his medication. The day before when I picked up Ga...

I really want to change my template on here, but can't seem to find one that I like...or if I do find one I like, it always seems really difficult to get it going. I want something 'sunnier', 'shinier'. I'm stalling a little, and don't quite know why. I already dropped Gabby off at my parent's house. Then the plan was to come home, eat breakfast, shower, and head over to JC's and go back to sleep with him. Maybe I just needed a little moment to veg. I had horrible dreams last night. I woke up from one that left me with that scared feeling where you can't move or do anything, and then the phone rang and scared me more. It was JC, and he had just woke up from a really bad dream...he was reliving his whole ordeal, but I was there watching the whole thing...I don't really remember talking to him that much and exactly what he said...I swear we're on the exact same wavelength. It can be really creepy sometimes the way we finish each other's...

This week went by really fast! SUPER FAST! JC looked soooo much better today. I know he doesn't feel better...he's still in pain, and he's really, really angry. But he looks so much better. The bruising is down a lot! And his eyes are back to normal size even if they are still discolored. Just staying in with Gabby tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to take her to go hang out with my dad for a little while, and I'm going to JC's for the daytime. He said if he's feeling up to it he wants to come back here to hang our for awhile. For whatever the circumstances have been this week, I've been eating so much less. I'm super excited about that. I still haven't neccessarily been eating right, but a lot less, and I've been to see Ray Ray twice this week. He kicked my butt today! Three sets of 15 leg extensions with 65lbs. Gabby and I have made a deal...I'll kill the bugs, and she'll take care of the geckos. Yea, we'll see. She was ...

I really, really needed for Gabby to go to her dad's this weekend. She really, really wanted to go. I think JC needs more TLC now than he did when this first happened. Now is when the emotional crap starts to set in, and I don't think he wants to be alone at night. But, well, she can't. Because when I really, really need him...he's just not there. In fact, he gets his ass put in jail because he didn't pay a fine. Great! His mom, Gabby's grandma begged me not to say anything to Gabby. She made it sound like it would be the best thing for her, but really she wanted me to keep it from Gabby because she doesn't want her son to look bad. God forbid he has to take responsibility for something he did! After talking to my mom last night, I've decided not to lie to her when she asks why she can't talk to or see her dad. He made a mistake, and I'm not going to hide that from her. Kids know what's going on...and I think, at least by this age...

I think the events from the last few days has seriously brought JC and me closer together...the weekend we spent together before all this stuff happened helped to do that, too. And I think we look super cute side by side...so here are all the JC/Elizabeth pictures there are in the world. JC seems to always look the same...I'm the one who constantly gets thinner, fatter, whiter, tanner, with different hair. Except when he's wearing his glasses or dressed up for Halloween.

I hate those freakin' geckos! They freak me out. And there it is just lying on it's back. I want it out of here. Gabby seemed interested in it, so when she gets home tonight maybe I can convince her to pick it up and throw it outside since JC can't be here to do all that yucky, manly kind of stuff. I have learned to deal with having to kill the bugs. But I REFUSE to deal with the things that have squishy skin and beady eyes!!! JC's appointment went ok yesterday. They said that the fractured bone should be ok, and just heal on it's own. The doctor was a little worried though that his eyes weren't tracking at the same speed. He wanted him to see some kind of plastic surgeon optamologist. However, the poor guys eyes and eye muscles are swelled up, and he only has one contact in. So, I think he'll be ok once all that heals. The doc said if it was tracking differently then he could have double vision. But last night he got his other contact out, put ...

It was almost exactly one year ago to the day that I became really ill. And now I'm on the other side, taking care of JC. If we make it through this month we'll have been together for a year...and that's even excluding the 3 months we weren't together.

I got a jury summons in the mail yesterday. That really sucks, but I think I can appeal to be exempt because of Gabby. I have to find the strength to go over to JC's today, and keep it together. I think I'm more upset than he is. He's kind of just taking it in stride. Or, maybe it's just one of those phases of "grief". Isn't one of the first ones denial? I just feel so sick to my stomach every time I imagine him getting kicked in the face. I feel nauseous, and like I want to pass out. And I haven't even seen him again, yet, today. I have to apply for a couple of jobs this morning, send off that jury summons exemption, and then I'll head over to his apartment. I'll probably nap with him a little before his appointment this afternoon. My sister and mom have been really helpful. My sister took Gabby last night, and my mom's going to tonight...to watch for a few more hours so I can stay with JC. I never really ask for prayers...instead I just s...

I guess I should start out saying that JC is ok. As well as can be expected. He seems to be kind of in "good spirits", but that could just be the Vicodin talking, or his overwhelming ability to just always be in good spirits. That is who he is. I was not prepared. Last night his roommate called saying that he kind of wanted to stay here, but he wasn't sure about Gabby's reaction. She told me his eyes were just a little puffy. I told her to remind him that when Gabby's home, he always sleeps on a made up bed on the floor...and I would feel really bad about that...so I promised I'd be over first thing this morning, and he went home. He answered the door, and I lost it even though I told myself I wouldn't. He looks pretty bad. Almost unrecognizable. His body, mouth, stuff are ok except for some bruised ribs and a ripped off pinky nail. It's his eyes and the back of his head that are pretty bad...3 staples in the left backside, one on the left ba...

Another one of those Fall is in the air mornings. It's nowhere near cold, but people get so excited about a little bit of a chill in the air. There was a guy wearing a sweater at the bagel shop. You could tell he probably bought it, and was just waiting, waiting, waiting, for the first day he could possibly put it on in TX without looking too dumb. But, buddy, it's only like 66 degrees. So, I was on the phone with JC last night, when he asked me to hold on a sec...and then yelled, "What the fuck, dude!!!??? What the fuck!!??" At which point I guess the phone clammered to the ground, and hung up on me. I thought he was having some weird, random fight with one of his roommates...maybe someone broke in...I called once, no answer...I thought he was at home...called the second time, and one of his friends answered...he wasn't at home. He had gone to the bar to watch the end of the football game. And while standing outside saying goodnight to me, two guys jumpe...

Friday I really, really wanted a nap. I tried. Thought I could squeeze one in, but Josh was just oo excited to have the day off and be going to a movie with me. We went and ate at a pizza buffet first. The only time this weekend that I ate extemely horrible. Then we headed to the theatre to see the Black Dahlia. As we were walking towards the ticket collector man, I was busy trying to situate things...put something in my back pocket, get my glasses out of my purse...So, I wasn't paying that much attention when Josh just stopped short...the ticket collector wasn't handing back the tickets...that's when I realized that the ticket collector man was a mentally handicapped kid. He had taken the tickets from Josh, and was holding them off to the side...the side away from us, half ripped, in both of his hands...and he had just paused...stared at Josh, and then this conversation pursued: Ticket Collector (TC) - still holding tickets: How are you? Josh: I'm good, you? TC: Fine (...

Yea, so I depressed myself with my last post...but it's FRIDAY!!! There's no crying on Fridays!!! And it's my weekend off!!! Josh has the day off, and I think we're going to see a movie. I'll take Gabby to her dad's house later (the only unfun part of this weekend.), and then JC and I, maybe some other people, are going to try something new tonight. We're going to this place Crabby Jack's, just to try it out. Sunday we're going to see The Last Kiss . And I think tomorrow I might see another movie with Josh after JC goes to work, and then I really want to go dancing at a gay club. Time for some fun and relaxation!

When I was 14, almost 15, I was a real shit. I was very rebellious, angry, and gave my parents a lot more trouble than they deserved. I started staying out till whenever I wanted, I starting smoking, drinking. My mother and I would have terrible screaming, yelling, throwing thing fights. We both said very nasty things to each other. I don't exactly know what happened. It was worse than just the "normal teenage stuff", so I can't blame it on that. That summer before I turned 15, I had met a lot of people who would have been considered the "bad kids". These were kids that really did have tragic lives, with families that were truly disfunctional. I guess I probably tried to fit in too hard, and I turned my circumstances into much worse than they were. Anyway...when I was 15, almost 16, my mother had decided she had had enough, and she took the advice that my therapist at the time gave her. "Tough Love". I don't really remember the circu...

I just don't have anything to say today. I'm not in the mood to depress myself or you...with boring tales of woe. My friend Josh has the next couple of days off from work, and I told him I'd hang out with him. It is very hard to committ to doing activities with him. I WILL be annoyed! (Love you, Joshy!). But, I'm kind of looking forward to it. We are planning on seeing Hollywoodland, The Black Dahlia, and The Last Kiss... Actually I took the Last Kiss away from him because I'm going to make JC see it with me on Sunday. So, I thought I'd copy and paste Josh's old blog about how we first met. He's such a dork, but a great friend...obnoxious and wonderful all at the same time! And just for clarification, I did not tell him I thought people who go to the movies by themselves are crazy losers...I said I thought it was creepy when I see grown men in theatres in the middle of the morning...at matinees...I don't know what it is...it just seems kind of creep...

There's no such thing as love. Only proof of love. - Jean Cocteau

On Sunday evening JC and I had decided to watch Four Rooms while Gabby was swimming with her friends. My only working DVD player is in my living room, so I was watching with the remote in my hand, ready to push stop at any moment if Gabby came back because the movie has a lot of adult content. In the first "room" there's a coven of witches performing a ritual. Ione Skye is topless. And of course, during the only half nude scene in the movie, Gabby decides to come bounding through the door, all done with swimming. My finger faltered...I hit pause instead...Ione Skye's boobs front and center...Gabby said, "Ewe...GROSS...BOOBS!!!" I hit stop as fast as I could. It was getting to be about that time, so I told Gabby to go get in the bathtub to get ready for bed. She said, "No way! I'm not leavin'!"...And she has hit that age where she argues with me about EVERYTHING! "Five more minutes mom! Can't I eat dinner first? I'm ...

Friday I did it. I went up to where my sister works and took all the testing for their clerical positions. They don't let you apply for any of the jobs until you do the testing so they can see what you qualify for. I qualified for the highest clerical position. Senior Secretary, so I applied for a lot of those. I would really, really like for this job opportunity to work out. It would mean I could stay in SA, I could have lunch with my sister during the week, I would be paid well, and I would have the opportunity to go back to school and get a degree in something a little more specific. What exactly, I don't know. I can specialize my Geography degree more by getting certified in GIS because I'm already mostly there, or I would really like to do something more along the lines of biology, physiology, or maybe even geology. Something with a little more scientific background instead of cultural. Anyhoo...it's a great opportunity. Keep your fingers crossed! After ...

Yesterday I had this big financial crisis come up when I picked Gabby up from her daycare. I immediately called my mom. We've both been dealing with this daycare that doesn't keep very good records of what you've paid and haven't paid...YOU HAVE TO GET A RECEIPT!!! So, I call my mom, and completely lose it. I cried and cried and cried, and it wasn't even all that big a deal. It definitely wasn't about the money anymore. I felt like that kid from Parenthood who cries of nothing...like going insane when he loses his retainer at the pizza place. Don't get me wrong, the money doesn't make anything any better...it makes my stress levels over the top, but there's so much more underlying stuff that under other circumstances I might be able to handle it better. My mom was very patient...said we'd get together today and talk about it...but I just kind of NEEDED my mom...which is really weird. I have the best mom ever when it comes to some things...

I borrowed my dad's digital camera to take to Jessica's wedding, and I don't want to give it back! I'm having too much fun! This will happen to you, too if you go without having a job for too long, and have nothing to do to occupy your time! Checking for bags under my eyes after 12 hours of travelling home from Jessica's wedding...Thanks a lot, JC!!! The rain that caused me grief the other day, but it brought some awesome weather, so I won't complain, too much. JC's "wake-up" hair. This makes me laugh so hard!

I absolutely did not utilize my camera that much at all at Jessica's wedding...it just wasn't always an easy thing to do...too much going on, but I thought, "Screw it, everyone else will be taking them anyway." So, here are the very few things I captured. Deannie on the way to Staunton, Va. Too much wine, so little time. Stop at the Mexican Restaurant First night in Staunton Claudia, John, and Kaycee at the rehearsal dinner.

"It started off with a kiss..." "...how did it end up like this?..." "...it was only a kiss..." Pretty Kaycee! Stephanie and Robert...I love these guys! Everyone wants a Pocket Stephanie! Especially once she's had Pelican! Taking pictures of ourselves again. John and Claudia The Girls

Yea, so this is them! It's the discoloration of my foot that really bothers me. I could probably live with a lumpy toe, but it just scares me the way it changes color...from red, to purple, to pink, to kind of brownish...weird! You can't even really see all the little lumpy things under my skin...it just looks like I've got some weird rash! GROSS! I used to have such pretty feet, too!

When JC and I got back together...we got tattoos together. His kind of signified our relationship...a phoenix...second chances and all that stuff. Mine was just to cover up an old tattoo that my friend Chris Peterson did when I was sixteen years old. He took a sewing needle, dipped in alcohol, burned, with thread wrapped around it to soak up ink, and then he dipped in the ink, and into my leg, into the ink, and into my leg. It was of a killer clown. It was modeled after some clowns that were on an old cassette cover (I think it was Suicidal Tendancies...not sure) and Gabby's dad. I realized...there are no pictures of that tattoo...and the tattoo is gone without a trace...except in the minds of those who actually saw it. Anyway...I have a fish on my back, and wanted to stick with an ocean theme, and JC, a long time ago, had suggested a sea turtle because I love turtles...so that's what I got. It hurt like hell! Worse than my back! I maybe should have asked why they called the gu...

I HATED that stupid mortar board!!! It just wouldn't stick on my head, and when I finally got it secured, I didn't care how the hell it looked! My very proud parents...Gabby just has to be in every picture. Everything looks like it's going sooo fast! I was runnin' to that stage! Not really...My dad kept messing with all the camera settings, so everything's really blurry, or he took movies instead of pictures. I'm in the orange circle. Celebrating at JC's restaurant. She DOES look so much like me sometimes!

Gabby's 8th Birthday! Opening presents. Gabby finding eggs. "Time for my close-up!" She's such a HAM! You can really tell when I dyed my hair here...my sister, me, mom, and Gabby.

Six contestants left on Project Runway. I'm gonna go ahead and call it...Michael Knight, Jeffery, and Laura for the last three. Uli and Kayne might be contenders. But I'm gonna put my wins out there, and say that I'm right. Any bets? I'm changing my mind. I always reserve the right to do that! I am a girl after all! I think it's up in the air. I like everyone of the designers now that Anglea and Vincent are gone. I'm still gonna say though that Jeffery and Michael will be in the top 3...it's just that last spot that's throwing me for a loop.

I just post my last blog, and then I check my email where my horoscope for today is, and this is it...it really does fit today... Is someone close to you playing devil's advocate just for the sake of being contrary? Try to let it roll off your back. That doesn't mean you shouldn't stand up for yourself, but don't take their behavior too seriously.

I write more than one post in a day because I'm bored...or maybe I forgot something. Today I'm doing it because I'm a little ticked off. JC refuses to get a MySpace account. That's ok with me. I don't care. His reason is that MySpace is the Devil! And before we broke up and during our break-up I would have agreed with him whole heartedly. There's so much gossip that gets spread around when you have people on your friend's list that know each other really well, or are just extremely immature. But, since we've been back together, I've let a lot of the stuff with his friends on MySpace go. And my life has been much better for it, and so has our relationship. I don't feel like there is someone constantly meddling. Now I just try to mostly stick to the people that I know...it's been a great place to keep in touch with my old high school friends, and I've met a couple of people through there that I'm glad I got to know...I also, for some we...

Isn't that the name of the last movie Marilyn Monroe attempted to do? Let's try something new. Let's focus on the positive shall we? So, I had 12 things to complete yesterday. Three were automatically scratched off the list due to the rain. That leaves 9. I completed 6! Not too shabby. Plus I did some dishes...added bonus. In some magazine, years ago, I read this article about Zen Cleaning (made up for "magazine" purposes, of course), but it really stuck with me. It was about knowing the things that are weaknesses for you, and instead of trying to change then and making yourself feel guilty, you should maybe try to work around them. The article was all about cleaning, like if you're the kind of person that always kicks your shoes off at the door, you shouldn't beat yourself up for not putting them away in the closet. You should live where you "live". Get a basket and put it by the front door to keep it a little neater. I actually did ...

In a very thoughtful, drunken moment I said, "I don't want to have sex anymore." The look on his face was pure bewilderment, and a little sadness...scared maybe. He asked why. I said, "Because I'm fat and lazy." His frown turned upside down...a little too much. He laughed that laugh that is very rare. The one where he can't breathe, and occassionally turns high pitched. He drooled. He couldn't stop. He laughed without sound. He laughed. And laughed. And laughed. I was confused. He was relieved. He said, "I thought you were going to say I was doing something wrong, or that we weren't going to work out...or something really bad. But, if that's all it is, I'm sure we can work around it."

It's raining. I was wondering why it felt like I had been online forever, but it wasn't getting any lighter outside. Do you know what this does to my want of being productive? Am I the only one that would rather curl up in a blanket, in my freezing apartment, and read a good book when it's raining...maybe drinking some coffee? Probably not, but I AM probably one of the few people that would let that happen when there is work to be done! I mean I'm going to have to strike getting my car cleaned up off the list because nature couldn't control itself today. Or at least be kind to me. What to do? I do have half an hour before I NEED to hop in the shower, and then head over to JC's work. Oh, how I wish I could sit in the bar and eat a bowl of Southwest Chicken Chowder. That would make this rainy day perfect! Hmmm...maybe I will. Just a cup of it maybe... Shit! This means I also have to strike off cleaning my patio! It is covered, but not that much, and ...

Ok, not really. I went to bed fairly early last night. Earlier than usual. I've had plenty of sleep. More than usually get. But my alarm went off this morning, and I was so tired. I woke up completely dreading today. Dreading having to face this freakin' day. Dreading that I need to get up and do something. Dreading that I made a plan for myself, and I don't think I can complete it. Last night I made a list of things to do. I do that a lot actually, but I usually go all out and make HUGE lists...because I have HUGE amounts of things to do that I constantly put off. So, last night I made a little list. Just little starters. I thought if I could at least just get started with little tasks I could somehow accomplish one or two little things and that would give me a boost. I even made sure I included fun things that I would want to do. I told JC about it before bed last night, and he was so happy about it. I think his response was, "Baby, that's sooooo...

I had a really great weekend! And what a great thing to be able to start this blog off by saying that! I'll be the first to admit that this blog can be very sappy, emotional, bitchy, complaining, negative, and a whole lot of other things like that. I don't very often put down good, positive things. I mean I think I do, but I know that most of the time I don't. There is a disclaimer on my side scroll though that says, "This is my place to vent, so if I sound negative and jaded...get over it!" Or, just don't read. I have been writing and expressing on this thing for over 2 years now, and it really has been so cathartic. I love being able to say things that are on my mind that I wouldn't say in my everyday life. That's been a little bit tainted every now and then like when my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend starts reading, or when MY ex-boyfriend finds it, and uses things that I said that are so far away from "him", and takes things I say offensiv...

I forget to appreciate people. In my head I do, but I forget to let them know that I do. And right now I feel really bad because JC gets a lot of my shit, and I don't tell him how much I appreciate him in my life. I just honestly have started taking him for granted. You would think that after everything that happened between us I wouldn't do that, but I do. So, I've been a lot more than just my moody self the last couple of months, and it has gotten progressively worse. And JC has definitely been hanging in there...he's not running off scared. He said he wouldn't do that again, and it's been understandable that it's been hard for me to trust that. But here he is...putting up with my out of nowhere crying...my unproductiveness...and everything else...and really he's doesn't say much about it...I'm not very good at multi tasking so in the midst of being depressed I forget to do other things. I always think I'm good at multi tasking but...