I'd like to think not, but I sure felt like one this morning. Every morning I take Gabby to daycare and then head over to the bagel shop. Usually I don't think I look all that bad. I mean sure I definitely look like I just woke up, but I throw on jeans and a t-shirt...and I think I have an early morning presentableness. Today...my jeans were in the dryer...yes...my one pair of jeans...that's all that's left to fit me these days (sobbing)...So I this morning I threw on some of the brightest orange terry cloth shorts you've ever seen, along with a gimungous Army t-shirt thinking who cares? Besides Fridays are the days when there are so many people there that the line is out the door. But...I pulled up, and it was a busy ass Monday morning, with everyone dressed to the 9's. The only other people that weren't dressed up were wearing scrubs, so at least they've got titles by their names. But me...me?...all I can claim is that at least I did my laundry. And otherwise I am a slovenly, unemployed, soccor mom. I can't even claim student anymore. I felt like the biggest loser. With two women in business suits behind me I'm thinking, "I didn't wash my hair yesterday...or the day before (it's the weekend people, and I didn't go out...get over it!)...I hope they're not staring at my greasy head!"
Ahhh...now, safe, back at home to enjoy my garlic bagel while I think about feeling like a complete loser. First impressions matter, but they're really dumb. I care way too much what people think of me upon first glance. And then I realize that half of those people all dressed up probably don't even have college degrees, but they damn sure wouldn't believe that I do with the way that I was looking...and probably smelling. Ugh.
Can you tell I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. Yay...it's been happening way too much these days. I think I really need to call my doctor and see what kind of meds I can get on. BUT...I'm so broke I can't even afford my copays.
Back to job hunting this week. I don't have time to feel sorry for myself, and to keep up being depressed. I'm going out to this place that my sister works FOR SURE this week. I keep putting it off, and not really sure why because I think I would actually love to work there. Hmmm...maybe I just found the reason right there. Maybe it would mean that if I was offered a job I would have to take it...and actually work. Really I think it's because I'm a little frightened of the testing they have you do. I applied there once about 7 years ago. I raved to those people about my typing skill...(at the time my 10-key speed was about 10,000 keystrokes per hour...I have actually as of this year been "clocked" doing 17,000 keystrokes per hour)...so, they put me in this little room for a 10-key test...I was thinking, "No problem." Until they stuck an adding machine in front of me, which I had no clue how to use. My 10-key skills come straight from a regular old keyboard. Hence what I thought was 10-KEY: 1-9 and enter. Needless to say I failed the damn thing miserably and looked like an ass. I know they'll make me take that damn test again.
Good Grief! I'm a rambler this morning. But I think I'll continue. This was a lazy butt of a weekend. I didn't accomplish anything. Not even aything really all that fun. Andrea and I watched Dances With Wolves on Saturday. On VHS! All three of the DVD players are broken in my house. But I actually didn't find that out until after we watched the movie. We just watched it because we've both seen all of my DVD's. Early on Saturday my sister took Gabby out for a fun filled day of Build a Bear and swimming...plus McDonald's and some ice cream. Lucky Gabby. I should have gone. Friday night I had a 5 hour argument/discussion/talk/thingy with JC, which in the end worked out really well. He says A and I think he says B...I say A and he thinks I say Z. Plus I'm beginning to realize just how much of a problem I have with "projecting". Like pretty much being the most awful person in the world to the people I care about the most when I'm in a really shitty mood. Gabby probably gets the brunt of it.
One more week and Gabby starts school. She'll have to take the stupid TAKS test this year, so I've really got to do something. I can't let my daughter fail at school because I can't get MY shit together.
Still rambling...trying to think of stuff to type...maybe I'm procrastinating on the gym. Funny thing that is...it takes so much will...that I don't really have...to make it to the gym...and then I couldn't be happier when I leave. At this point though, now that I've gained back every single pound that I had lost while working out with Aaron the Beast...it feels like I'll never get back there. Why don't people support you more when you're trying to change your life for the better? Another thing I've noticed is that even though I've gained all that weight back...I can't say that I've gained all the inches back. There's definitely a difference in the way that my body is shaped now compared to what it used to be when I weighed this much before. That's the difference between losing weight just through diet vs working out and changing your diet. I still have a lot of that muscle...not it's just trapped under the fat.
If you've actually read this crap up to this point, go ahead and give yourself a cookie. If I could I would give it to you. You definitely deserve to treat yourself somehow.
Ahhh...now, safe, back at home to enjoy my garlic bagel while I think about feeling like a complete loser. First impressions matter, but they're really dumb. I care way too much what people think of me upon first glance. And then I realize that half of those people all dressed up probably don't even have college degrees, but they damn sure wouldn't believe that I do with the way that I was looking...and probably smelling. Ugh.
Can you tell I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. Yay...it's been happening way too much these days. I think I really need to call my doctor and see what kind of meds I can get on. BUT...I'm so broke I can't even afford my copays.
Back to job hunting this week. I don't have time to feel sorry for myself, and to keep up being depressed. I'm going out to this place that my sister works FOR SURE this week. I keep putting it off, and not really sure why because I think I would actually love to work there. Hmmm...maybe I just found the reason right there. Maybe it would mean that if I was offered a job I would have to take it...and actually work. Really I think it's because I'm a little frightened of the testing they have you do. I applied there once about 7 years ago. I raved to those people about my typing skill...(at the time my 10-key speed was about 10,000 keystrokes per hour...I have actually as of this year been "clocked" doing 17,000 keystrokes per hour)...so, they put me in this little room for a 10-key test...I was thinking, "No problem." Until they stuck an adding machine in front of me, which I had no clue how to use. My 10-key skills come straight from a regular old keyboard. Hence what I thought was 10-KEY: 1-9 and enter. Needless to say I failed the damn thing miserably and looked like an ass. I know they'll make me take that damn test again.
Good Grief! I'm a rambler this morning. But I think I'll continue. This was a lazy butt of a weekend. I didn't accomplish anything. Not even aything really all that fun. Andrea and I watched Dances With Wolves on Saturday. On VHS! All three of the DVD players are broken in my house. But I actually didn't find that out until after we watched the movie. We just watched it because we've both seen all of my DVD's. Early on Saturday my sister took Gabby out for a fun filled day of Build a Bear and swimming...plus McDonald's and some ice cream. Lucky Gabby. I should have gone. Friday night I had a 5 hour argument/discussion/talk/thingy with JC, which in the end worked out really well. He says A and I think he says B...I say A and he thinks I say Z. Plus I'm beginning to realize just how much of a problem I have with "projecting". Like pretty much being the most awful person in the world to the people I care about the most when I'm in a really shitty mood. Gabby probably gets the brunt of it.
One more week and Gabby starts school. She'll have to take the stupid TAKS test this year, so I've really got to do something. I can't let my daughter fail at school because I can't get MY shit together.
Still rambling...trying to think of stuff to type...maybe I'm procrastinating on the gym. Funny thing that is...it takes so much will...that I don't really have...to make it to the gym...and then I couldn't be happier when I leave. At this point though, now that I've gained back every single pound that I had lost while working out with Aaron the Beast...it feels like I'll never get back there. Why don't people support you more when you're trying to change your life for the better? Another thing I've noticed is that even though I've gained all that weight back...I can't say that I've gained all the inches back. There's definitely a difference in the way that my body is shaped now compared to what it used to be when I weighed this much before. That's the difference between losing weight just through diet vs working out and changing your diet. I still have a lot of that muscle...not it's just trapped under the fat.
If you've actually read this crap up to this point, go ahead and give yourself a cookie. If I could I would give it to you. You definitely deserve to treat yourself somehow.
Comments
so you can take that cookie and.....
Anyway, miss ya