I'm still on a high from last night...and maybe still a little tipsy, too. I had such a great time being around people that I don't get to hang out with anymore. Andrea said I was "on fire" last night, and a lot more fun to be around than when JC and I were together. I probably flirted a little too much, definitely drank too much, but I didn't cry. It was kind of funny that the whole table of about ten or so people that were there last night were all heartbroken fools. I suppose it 'tis the season for that. I guess it's true, people really do break up a lot more right before the holidays. I know I will be bummed out though because JC come home tomorrow, and that means that I won't be able to hang out like that again with everyone. I actually think...and maybe it's just today...that I would be able to handle it...being around him when I'm out, but I'm sure it would still make everyone else uncomfortable, and who knows how the hell he would feel about it. But I had a thought today...after Andrea told me about everyone else's reaction to me last night that I didn't even notice...FUCK HIM...I really am a great person...I know that I'm actually a really great girlfriend...I'm very understanding and nuturing and whatever else...and he's just way too young and dumb and caught up in his own little world to see it...well, actually according to him he does see it...he just can't deal with it...whatever the hell that means. If he wants to let me go then he'll have to live with it for the rest of his life...and I think I do know that one day, maybe after the next girl he's with, he'll realize it, and it will be too late. I feel the "moving on", angry phase of this whole thing coming on, and if he wants to stop it, he'll have to be quick. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like shit...I'm tired of letting this rule my everyday...and I'm tired longing for something that maybe wasn't even there to begin with. I love the guy...I probably always will...but I will not be a martyr for this...I won't let it control me anymore...I'm sure there are still some bad moments to come, but hey...I think I'm doing better...I think I can love him from afar and be okay with that, and do what I got to do for Elizabeth! I mean I have a lot going for me, right? I'm almost a college graduate, which is something I never thought I'd be, if I get my ass back in the gym I could have my dream career, and a hot body to go with it...I will be feeling grand come January...I can feel it...maybe I shouldn't speak so soon, but positivity is KEY right now...I miss him and I love him, but I've had enough. If he can't see what we had, and if he wants to let me go...it is all on him...he'll have to get over it...not me.
Am I Going To Die? I just got stung for the first time ever by a wasp . . . So far so good . . . I can still breathe, I haven't swelled up like a balloon, yet . . . But it hurts and itches like crazy!!! It's almost the end of the semester and I am completely swamped! Two projects, two papers, and three finals, all in the next 3 weeks . . . Somehow I'll handle it. I've actually all of sudden "woken up" where school is concerned. I've been in such a daze for like the last 7 or 8 months. The AOC has changed my life as I knew it . . . in good and bad ways!!! Bad because he takes up too much of my thoughts . . . and I need all the brain capacity that I can get!!! Somehow, after years of barely even talking to anyone at work, and only a couple of years of actually being a little more friendly with my co-workers, I seem to have been sucked up in "office politics" and I HATE it! I used to really like going to work . . . now I just want to quit!! It still...
Comments
"Praise Jesus!"
"Thank GOD!"
"FINALLY"
"That's my girl!"
"Welcome to the light!"
"BRAVO!"
"Fuck yea!"
and
"I'm so proud of you."
...but nurturing? That might be a stretch. .... =)