Rolla - Coasta

That's exactly what the last couple of days has been...an emotional rollercoaster. Like a great big rollercoaster with loop-de-loops, and a 40,000 story drop, and dark tunnels, and let's make it a wooden one so it's even scarier. On Sunday, when JC came over...I was ok after he left...I said something really dumb like and over dramatic like, "I don't know why you think it should be so easy for me to just let you walk out of my life." And he just responded by saying, "No one said it would be easy for either of us." And with that he shut the door. And Good Grief! this sounds like a scene out of the life sucking Lifetime movies, but he closed the door, and I sat on the floor right where I had been standing and sobbed. And then, I didn't cry again for the rest of the night. Yesterday, I didn't cry all day. I woke up this morning and felt depressed, but still no crying. However, I did allow myself to sleep and spend the whole day in bed, but still no crying. And then I was driving to the grocery store to pick up my Vicodin (which I think I'm addicted to), and Gabby was in the car with me, and I just seriously broke down. And I didn't know what to say to my baby who kept asking me what was wrong. All I could tell her was that I was really, really sad, but it was okay.

He's everywhere, ya know. When I'm watching to TV, or some stupid song on the radio, or just always there in my head. Even yesterday...I didn't cry and felt resonably good, but he was still there in the back of my head. I used to be a pretty obsessive person...allowing myself to dwell and dwell and dwell, and letting myself give into things like the little voice that says, "Call him, call him, call him." But I haven't been doing that. When the Burger King commercial for the Star Wars watches comes on, I change the channel instead of dwelling, when one of our favorite songs comes on the radio, I change it. When I go to MySpace and go to people's sites that have pictures of him on them, I divert my eyes. I've been trying. Really, really trying. Trying more than I have ever tried in the past.

I was wondering when I was driving in my car if I would always feel this way. I mean even when I move on will I have moments where I think about him and just break down? And then I kind of counted back and realized that exactly two weeks ago tonight, we were arguing, and he was asking me how we could compromise and make things better, and in a couple of hours from now, two weeks ago, he was telling me that he just didn't feel the same anymore.

I'm tired of breaking down. I just want another chance. And I just want to hear him laugh...and I want to curl up in his arms to go to sleep. I want to wrestle with him, and lay on the couch with him while he reads and runs his fingers through my hair so I can take a nap...and those things just are never going to happen again. Maybe...with someone else...at some point...but never again with JC. I want the feeling that I had yesterday to come back. Where I felt semi-okay...I felt like I was going to make it...

I want to be able to post a happy blog about going out and the time we spent together, and I want, now that I feel physically better and mentally more stable without my tonsils, I want to show him that I'm still the same person that he met, and not the really, really depressed girl that I became when I got sick. Except now, I guess I'm still depressed...LOL.

I didn't know I was THIS upset tonight. That's what happens whenever I allow myself to just let it out though. I tried and tried and tried today to just keep pushing all this stuff down and into the back of my head...I could feel it coming on, and I tried to supress it, and then it just hit me like being punched in the stomach.

I miss him...I miss us...