"I fall to pieces..."

I am falling to pieces. I'm such a wreck today. I'll post about the my trip to visit Jessica, where I DID have a good time, when I'm feeling a little more up to it, but today...I can't get it together to save my life. I've been crying so hard I feel like I may have ripped one of the stitches in my throat that still hasn't dissolved!

What am I thinking right now? I have no idea. I feel so completely devestated. Today I really feel like I may be having a nervous breakdown. I called my mom to tell her I was home, and she just started in on me on getting things together for Christmas, for Gabby. And I know I should, but I just can't seem to. I can't even seem to be able to put myself aside for my daughter. I wanted my mom to be understanding, and instead she was cold and told me to go get counseling. She said she thought I would get some perspective on this trip to visit Jessie, and I guess I didn't.

I have had major bouts of depression sporadically through out my life, but this one is scaring me a little bit. I'm so completely sad and I'm so completely pissed off, and all I can do is leave mascara all over my pillow cases and beat the bed into oblivion. I hope this is just a bad day, and tomorrow I'll be able to pick myself up. I just don't know what to do. I feel so weak, and can't seem to find it in myself to move ahead...to do anything. It seems like a chore to just get up and pee in the morning. It seems like such a chore to just open my eyes.

This morning, poor Josh called to talk to me, and I yelled at him for waking me up. Not because I was really tired, but because I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep and I just didn't want to face this day. I can't do it. I've gotten lots of advice from people telling me what a strong person they think I am because I have been able to pull myself up from a bad life, go to school full time, work full time, and be a full time mom, but the truth is I can't find that strength! I can't find it at all.

I don't know what the hell is happening to me. I have been avoiding so many things because of this. I just don't want to face anything. I don't want to get dressed and walk out my door. I told Jessie and her boyfriend yesterday when I was leaving, in a joking way, that I didn't think I would ever take a shower ever again. I just didn't want to, and what was the point anyway. There's no one around to give a shit if my legs are shaved or if my hair is a greasy mess. I don't know why I'm taking this so hard. It may have been the timing as well. There's lots of things going on that are just so wrong, and I don't know how to fix them. Baby steps don't seem to be helping at all either.

I don't really believe in religion or a God, but lately I find myself saying these "mini-prayers" to "someone" out there. I know it's just me talking to myself because it's not like I'm gonna become a born again God believer...that's just not me, but I can tell that I'm reaching out for something or someone to make this ok and stabalize me because I just don't seem to be able to do it myself.

Maybe my mom is right...maybe I need counseling, and maybe Jessie is right...maybe I need to be on some kind of medication. But even those things don't change anything.

I feel so lost without my best friend here to help me and talk to me...