It's 7 in the morning. I just dropped Gabby off at school. I haven't packed yet! I still have to go to the grocery store and buy razors, hairspray, and film! Can't forget that! I've got to finish a load of laundry, re-pack my small purse into a bigger one so I can carry a book and stuff with me on the plane, print out my itinerary, pack, and then shower. I have until noon to get that stuff done, but I'm such a procrastinator that I'll be running to do all of it at like 11 or something! Arrrggghhh! Flying is always so stressful for me! I've said it before, I don't get scared by flying, but all the stuff that has to be done before I actually sit my butt into my seat on the plane stresses me the hell out! I don't even know what airline I'm flying on, yet! Oh, yea, and I have to pay my phone bill and, I have to send an email to my college advisor that I've been putting off since I got my tonsils out.
I know I'm gonna get off that plane and burst into tears as soon I see Jessica. Probably from my own sadness and from joy of just seeing her and E. It's only been about 9 months since I last saw them, but that's kind of a long time.
One of the hardest things about this whole break-up thing has been my inability to "properly" cry. First because I wa trying to save my throat. Hell, I wasn't even suppose to talk that much let alone make sobbing, hysterical noises with snot running everywhere, and my throat getting all constricted and stuff. Now, that my throat is better, I feel like maybe it's been too long, and I shouldn't be crying anymore. It makes me feel guilty or whatever. It's really only been like 3 weeks, but it sometimes it feels like forever, and sometimes it feels like yesterday. So, whenever I start crying and I'm by myself, I feel desperate and guilty and helpless and like I might do something stupid...like calling him. And calling other people, reaching out just makes me feel horrible, too. Andrea isn't a sappy person, and I can't call her crying my eyes out. I feel bad crying my eyes out to Josh because honestly what he can he do to make it better. Well, actually he does. He's really good about pumping up my ego. Calling Jessica makes me feel bad, too because I know she wants to do something for me, and she can't really. Same goes for my sister and mom. And, I know that everyone thinks this is for the best in their eyes, and that's just too hard to hear because believe me, NOT crying actually helps you to put things into perspective and think more clearly. I've done a lot of thinking. And I still believe that this is what I want. Body, Mind and Soul, and I can't have it. I can't do anything. It's not even like I did something wrong that I could possibly fix. And the fact that some people actually seem happy about this because it's better for their own interests makes me suspicious and just plain mad!
I should be super happy and excited this morning, and I am, but I also know that on Monday night I'm going to fly back to San Antonio and things will still be just like they are now. I mean I hope I can get some better persepective on myself at least with this trip, but it's not going to change the way that I feel about JC, and how much I just want to hug him.
Josh is always calling and interrupting my blogging!!!, and then I forget what I'm going to say, but what a good friend. He tries really hard to make me feel better...and I wish I could tell him that it helps, but it just doesn't feel like it does. But then again, in the long run, it probably makes a whole lot of difference.
I'm just trying to kill time I guess. I don't really have anything to say. I just feel so freakin' awful this morning, and like any progress I have made has been thrown out the window. And at some point I'm going to have to get this all out instead of sucking it down all the time.
I know I'm gonna get off that plane and burst into tears as soon I see Jessica. Probably from my own sadness and from joy of just seeing her and E. It's only been about 9 months since I last saw them, but that's kind of a long time.
One of the hardest things about this whole break-up thing has been my inability to "properly" cry. First because I wa trying to save my throat. Hell, I wasn't even suppose to talk that much let alone make sobbing, hysterical noises with snot running everywhere, and my throat getting all constricted and stuff. Now, that my throat is better, I feel like maybe it's been too long, and I shouldn't be crying anymore. It makes me feel guilty or whatever. It's really only been like 3 weeks, but it sometimes it feels like forever, and sometimes it feels like yesterday. So, whenever I start crying and I'm by myself, I feel desperate and guilty and helpless and like I might do something stupid...like calling him. And calling other people, reaching out just makes me feel horrible, too. Andrea isn't a sappy person, and I can't call her crying my eyes out. I feel bad crying my eyes out to Josh because honestly what he can he do to make it better. Well, actually he does. He's really good about pumping up my ego. Calling Jessica makes me feel bad, too because I know she wants to do something for me, and she can't really. Same goes for my sister and mom. And, I know that everyone thinks this is for the best in their eyes, and that's just too hard to hear because believe me, NOT crying actually helps you to put things into perspective and think more clearly. I've done a lot of thinking. And I still believe that this is what I want. Body, Mind and Soul, and I can't have it. I can't do anything. It's not even like I did something wrong that I could possibly fix. And the fact that some people actually seem happy about this because it's better for their own interests makes me suspicious and just plain mad!
I should be super happy and excited this morning, and I am, but I also know that on Monday night I'm going to fly back to San Antonio and things will still be just like they are now. I mean I hope I can get some better persepective on myself at least with this trip, but it's not going to change the way that I feel about JC, and how much I just want to hug him.
Josh is always calling and interrupting my blogging!!!, and then I forget what I'm going to say, but what a good friend. He tries really hard to make me feel better...and I wish I could tell him that it helps, but it just doesn't feel like it does. But then again, in the long run, it probably makes a whole lot of difference.
I'm just trying to kill time I guess. I don't really have anything to say. I just feel so freakin' awful this morning, and like any progress I have made has been thrown out the window. And at some point I'm going to have to get this all out instead of sucking it down all the time.
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