I'm home for a minute. I just came home to shower and clean up and stuff...I still don't want to be here, so I'll be going back to my parent's house, but I can't acess Blogger from there for some reason, and I really need to vent, so here goes...
Looks like, unless the ex-girlfriend blocked her IP address or something...the minute she found out JC and I aren't together anymore she stopped spying into my life. But, who cares...I can't worry about if she's reading this or not. I just felt a little invaded.
I sat down at my computer and on my desk there's one of JC's books, and this little Obi-Wan Kenobi toy that I gave him a few days before all this happened...and there's this gorgeous 8X10 black and white photo of him sitting on my desk that I was going to scan for him. I took one look at it and burst into tears. Well, I burst into tears as much as I can. I haven't even been able to "properly" cry about this whole thing because of my stupid throat. I have to hold back so much. Does that make sense?
I talked to him the day before yesterday. And it made me feel a whole lot better. I got answers to questions, and a little more understanding...and of course, I heard his voice. So, now I don't have this rotting knot in my stomach, but I'm just so freaking sad about the whole thing I don't know what to do.
I thought about leaving him so many times because of all the differences that I didn't think we could work out, but in the end I never did it because I've just never been in love with someone like this before.
So, I talked to him. I can't be mad, and I can't fault him, and maybe that makes this even harder. It's not mean and ugly, ya know? I wish I could hate him. I wish that he had at least done something so terrible that I could hate him. But the bottom line is that he's just much younger than me, and he's really immature. He's so unhappy with his life, and not feeling anything for anyone or anything at the moment, which includes me. He said he was tired of making promises to people and not being able to keep them. He also said that he's more committed than ever to getting his life on track because of me, but that doesn't help. Even Mi-Mi told me that in a way I should feel good about that because no other girlfriend was able to make him take a good, long, hard look at his life and be serious about it, but it doesn't make feel good. I don't want to be the girlfriend that he learned life's lessons from only to turn around and use for the next girl he finds, which he's says he won't be doing for a while either. He now realizes how much responsibility being in love is, and he doesn't ever want to put someone through what he put me through every again.
And, I'm just left here...missing him, wanting to be with him, and loving him more than anything. I can't imagine getting to know someone else, or letting anyone else, including myself, ever touch any part of my body ever again. Even though I know that when he told me he loved me, especially in the beginning...he really meant it in his mind...he made it all such a lie when he took it away...like it was all not real to begin with it. And maybe it wasn't. Maybe I'll realize that it wasn't. Maybe it really was all a fairytale over a really great summer that I should be grateful for. But I can't help but see this one as the "one that got away" kind of thing for the future, ya know?
It's weird how at night I'm calmer and better. But when I wake up and then throughout the day I'm a crying mess. Or a strangled, crying mess at least. It's the time of the day when I would talk to him the most, or see him. All the mornings I spent going to his house and crawling in bed with him before he had to go to work, and then again in between jobs when he got his second job...which one night when he was drunk and we got really emotional...just about 2 weeks ago or so...he cried his eyes out about how he got this second job to make "us" work...so that he could get his life on track, and he could help me out, and we could make this last forever...but what a fucking shitty word...forever...no one ever really means that do they? Forever is so far away that I suppose it's easy to make promises about it...no one really sees the end of it...I guess at nights I'm used to him being at work and not being able to talk to him, but during the day...this kills me...
I have his A&M football jersey hanging over the back of my computer chair. He loves this jersey more than anything. He has some superstitious thing about the number 12, too, and that's the number on the jersey. I used to throw that jersey on at his house so I could walk to the bathroom without having to put all my clothes back on at his house...cause he has roommates and stuff...and I used to tease him at the beginning about stealing it, and then one day he said, "I'll tell you when you can take it home with you." And I thought that was a little cheesy and didn't get it. Then the night came when we were laying in bed just talking and laughing when he told me he was tired of introducing me to everyone as just Elizabeth, and he wanted so bad to tell everyone that I was his girlfriend, and he was falling for me hard, and then he said, "I want you to be my girlfriend...do you want that, too?" And I said yes, and the next morning he said you can wear that jersey home if you want. And I did. I wore it while we went out to eat before he went to work that day. And he just kept telling me how hot I looked in it. The next day he told me he thought he was falling in love with me, and the rest was history. If he asks for the jersey back, and all the rest of his stuff, I'll willing give it to him. It's not like I can actually bring myself to look at it, but I don't want to...I'm afraid of losing every little part I have left of him.
Maybe Mi-Mi is right. This was so freaking intense and happened so fast. Maybe it truly is and was just an intense infatuation for the both of us. But I thought it was something really special, and I thought he did, too. I thought our connection was so uncanny and special and I didn't think he would want to let that go. Maybe I got too cocky.
Ok, ok, ok, I'll spare everyone the rest of my crying mess...I just needed to get some of that out. I just don't know what do, or how to act, and I can't call him. I can't do anything to change it. I know I can live without him, I know I'll eventually move on, but I don't want to...I wanted him my life for the rest of my life, and now that's just gone...and I hate this so much...
I feel like I have to start hiding how I feel. I have the best friends and family in the world that have been so supportive, but when does it get to be too much for people to listen to sob about this all the time. I know Mi-Mi's sick of it. Well, maybe not sick of it, but she's not an emotional person the way I am, she's very logical and practical and that's how she thinks about these things...maybe that's just what helps her get through the day, but I don't know how to be that way. When is the cut off point for when people start getting really sick of though, and just want you to shut up?
Last night, Tuesday night...that would have been exactly one week since this happened...He called Mi-Mi that night to talk to her about it, and she told me she asked him, "Dude, where does this come from on a random Tuesday night?" I guess that will be the question I think about when I think of him for the rest of my life...along with all the what ifs...
I think he thinks, and Mi-Mi (Ok, you know what, I can't call her that anymore...her name is ANDREA or DRE so from now on just remember that for future posts!!!) mentioned that we could possibly be friends in the future. I know he said he was upset because he was losing his best friend. Maybe I should feel bad, but "friend" is not what I think of when I think about him. We didn't start out that way! But now I realize that he turned into that. That the only person I want to talk to and share my day with is him. That the only person I want to talk to about all this stuff is him. I just hope he was as happy as I was during all the times that we spent together that were soooooo GREAT! I had the time of my life? But was it worth it? I'm not sure I'm one of those people who would rather have the "Dance" than nothing at all. I don't think I would have signed up for this if I knew this is how it would end. I would rather not known him at all, but maybe not...Like I said...I've never felt this way before...in many respects this was like the first love of my life and my first real relationship...and it just hurts so bad...and there's nothing that I or anyone can do...and I know that he's not changing his mind...so, time to move on? I'll try...I am trying...
Looks like, unless the ex-girlfriend blocked her IP address or something...the minute she found out JC and I aren't together anymore she stopped spying into my life. But, who cares...I can't worry about if she's reading this or not. I just felt a little invaded.
I sat down at my computer and on my desk there's one of JC's books, and this little Obi-Wan Kenobi toy that I gave him a few days before all this happened...and there's this gorgeous 8X10 black and white photo of him sitting on my desk that I was going to scan for him. I took one look at it and burst into tears. Well, I burst into tears as much as I can. I haven't even been able to "properly" cry about this whole thing because of my stupid throat. I have to hold back so much. Does that make sense?
I talked to him the day before yesterday. And it made me feel a whole lot better. I got answers to questions, and a little more understanding...and of course, I heard his voice. So, now I don't have this rotting knot in my stomach, but I'm just so freaking sad about the whole thing I don't know what to do.
I thought about leaving him so many times because of all the differences that I didn't think we could work out, but in the end I never did it because I've just never been in love with someone like this before.
So, I talked to him. I can't be mad, and I can't fault him, and maybe that makes this even harder. It's not mean and ugly, ya know? I wish I could hate him. I wish that he had at least done something so terrible that I could hate him. But the bottom line is that he's just much younger than me, and he's really immature. He's so unhappy with his life, and not feeling anything for anyone or anything at the moment, which includes me. He said he was tired of making promises to people and not being able to keep them. He also said that he's more committed than ever to getting his life on track because of me, but that doesn't help. Even Mi-Mi told me that in a way I should feel good about that because no other girlfriend was able to make him take a good, long, hard look at his life and be serious about it, but it doesn't make feel good. I don't want to be the girlfriend that he learned life's lessons from only to turn around and use for the next girl he finds, which he's says he won't be doing for a while either. He now realizes how much responsibility being in love is, and he doesn't ever want to put someone through what he put me through every again.
And, I'm just left here...missing him, wanting to be with him, and loving him more than anything. I can't imagine getting to know someone else, or letting anyone else, including myself, ever touch any part of my body ever again. Even though I know that when he told me he loved me, especially in the beginning...he really meant it in his mind...he made it all such a lie when he took it away...like it was all not real to begin with it. And maybe it wasn't. Maybe I'll realize that it wasn't. Maybe it really was all a fairytale over a really great summer that I should be grateful for. But I can't help but see this one as the "one that got away" kind of thing for the future, ya know?
It's weird how at night I'm calmer and better. But when I wake up and then throughout the day I'm a crying mess. Or a strangled, crying mess at least. It's the time of the day when I would talk to him the most, or see him. All the mornings I spent going to his house and crawling in bed with him before he had to go to work, and then again in between jobs when he got his second job...which one night when he was drunk and we got really emotional...just about 2 weeks ago or so...he cried his eyes out about how he got this second job to make "us" work...so that he could get his life on track, and he could help me out, and we could make this last forever...but what a fucking shitty word...forever...no one ever really means that do they? Forever is so far away that I suppose it's easy to make promises about it...no one really sees the end of it...I guess at nights I'm used to him being at work and not being able to talk to him, but during the day...this kills me...
I have his A&M football jersey hanging over the back of my computer chair. He loves this jersey more than anything. He has some superstitious thing about the number 12, too, and that's the number on the jersey. I used to throw that jersey on at his house so I could walk to the bathroom without having to put all my clothes back on at his house...cause he has roommates and stuff...and I used to tease him at the beginning about stealing it, and then one day he said, "I'll tell you when you can take it home with you." And I thought that was a little cheesy and didn't get it. Then the night came when we were laying in bed just talking and laughing when he told me he was tired of introducing me to everyone as just Elizabeth, and he wanted so bad to tell everyone that I was his girlfriend, and he was falling for me hard, and then he said, "I want you to be my girlfriend...do you want that, too?" And I said yes, and the next morning he said you can wear that jersey home if you want. And I did. I wore it while we went out to eat before he went to work that day. And he just kept telling me how hot I looked in it. The next day he told me he thought he was falling in love with me, and the rest was history. If he asks for the jersey back, and all the rest of his stuff, I'll willing give it to him. It's not like I can actually bring myself to look at it, but I don't want to...I'm afraid of losing every little part I have left of him.
Maybe Mi-Mi is right. This was so freaking intense and happened so fast. Maybe it truly is and was just an intense infatuation for the both of us. But I thought it was something really special, and I thought he did, too. I thought our connection was so uncanny and special and I didn't think he would want to let that go. Maybe I got too cocky.
Ok, ok, ok, I'll spare everyone the rest of my crying mess...I just needed to get some of that out. I just don't know what do, or how to act, and I can't call him. I can't do anything to change it. I know I can live without him, I know I'll eventually move on, but I don't want to...I wanted him my life for the rest of my life, and now that's just gone...and I hate this so much...
I feel like I have to start hiding how I feel. I have the best friends and family in the world that have been so supportive, but when does it get to be too much for people to listen to sob about this all the time. I know Mi-Mi's sick of it. Well, maybe not sick of it, but she's not an emotional person the way I am, she's very logical and practical and that's how she thinks about these things...maybe that's just what helps her get through the day, but I don't know how to be that way. When is the cut off point for when people start getting really sick of though, and just want you to shut up?
Last night, Tuesday night...that would have been exactly one week since this happened...He called Mi-Mi that night to talk to her about it, and she told me she asked him, "Dude, where does this come from on a random Tuesday night?" I guess that will be the question I think about when I think of him for the rest of my life...along with all the what ifs...
I think he thinks, and Mi-Mi (Ok, you know what, I can't call her that anymore...her name is ANDREA or DRE so from now on just remember that for future posts!!!) mentioned that we could possibly be friends in the future. I know he said he was upset because he was losing his best friend. Maybe I should feel bad, but "friend" is not what I think of when I think about him. We didn't start out that way! But now I realize that he turned into that. That the only person I want to talk to and share my day with is him. That the only person I want to talk to about all this stuff is him. I just hope he was as happy as I was during all the times that we spent together that were soooooo GREAT! I had the time of my life? But was it worth it? I'm not sure I'm one of those people who would rather have the "Dance" than nothing at all. I don't think I would have signed up for this if I knew this is how it would end. I would rather not known him at all, but maybe not...Like I said...I've never felt this way before...in many respects this was like the first love of my life and my first real relationship...and it just hurts so bad...and there's nothing that I or anyone can do...and I know that he's not changing his mind...so, time to move on? I'll try...I am trying...
Comments
I had the same effect on my ex boyfriend, Mike, and he too had all these differences than I did. He was only three years younger than I, and I was in my late 20s when I met him. It doesn't help at all, knowing that I did have such a positive impact on him, yet, we weren't together. But I knew why. Sometimes, it takes awhile to realize how completely wrong someone is for you, even though you love them so deeply. It sucks. The only you can do is allow yourself to FEEL: cry, blog, write it down, talk to friends. You may even get on their nerves for awhile, because you talk so much about it (I'm really speaking of myself here!). There's nothing they can do for you, they feel helpless, but you have to get over things, and the only way for you to do that is let it all out. If they're truly your friends, they'll allow you to do this. Then rag you about it years later. ;P
You can vent and rant to your blogger friends any time...we're here for you! And we'll never complain that you're always talking about this...we CHOOSE to read your blog so we CHOOSE to support you and listen!