Excuse me for this, but not only is this my place to vent, but also where I try to figure things out in my own head. It seems like if I write it down, and then read it , it sometimes seems clearer. And of course, I've been getting great advice from everywhere! Thank you so much!
So, I actually was in bed last night by midnight instead of 4 or 5 in the morning. And I woke up this morning without JC being the first thought in my head. And I have made it almost an hour of being awake without crying or even wanting too...I still just feel blah, but here's why I think I feel this way this morning:
Andrea and I talked last night, and she spoke with JC, and called and told me what they talked about, so I'm either:
1. Getting my hopes up, which is bad, bad, bad!
2. I've heard some info about him, and kind of had a "JC fix", or
3. What she told me just honestly made me feel better...
It has seemed weird through this whole thing that JC hasn't really said anything to anyone. Velma, his roommate told Josh that he won't talk to her at all. He just kind of mopes around. Andrea said that he hasn't even come to her to talk about it. And some of the other friends have messaged me on MySpace and I can tell that they didn't know what was going on, and I ended up being the one who had to tell them that we weren't together anymore. I thought it was kind of strange. Usually when he would have something upsetting him he would talk to me on the phone, and then he'd say something like, "Ok, I'm gonna go talk to my roommate about this. I'll call you later..." Something like that. And I know that he appreciates Andrea's advice and thinks of her as a "big sister" or something, and usually tells her everything. So, him not talking to people, or using his "resources" has seemed a little strange. Andrea told me at the beginning of all this that she thought that he probably felt a little embarrassed and dumb about the whole thing. All of his friends have absolutely loved me, and never miss an opportunity to tell me that. It's not like when he broke up with his last girlfriend, and everyone started singing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead". And Andrea has become one of my best friend's, so he probably does feel a little embarrassed and dumb. But, last night he finally called her and wanted to talk about the whole thing...
I wish my memory wasn't so shot with drugs, so I could remember more of what Andrea told me. He called and started out by telling her that I called him on Monday, and Andrea told him that I felt better after that conversation, which I did. He said he felt the same. But he said that he got "that feeling" when he was talking to me, and wanted to just say, "let's just forget about all of this, this is dumb". But that he couldn't because he knew that things would go back to the way they were, or something, I don't really remember what she said he said. But basically he wouldn't be able to keep any promises, and he knew that, so he couldn't say, "let's forget all this". I knew he was about to do it, too. I don't remember who I told...Jessie, Josh, or Carla...but I told someone...JC and I both cried throughout the conversation and then we kind of were calm, but then his voice was cracking and he kept saying he had to go get ready for work, which I knew wasn't the truth because he still had like 45 minutes or something before he had to start getting ready. I knew that he was trying NOT to say something...and in the end I let him go easily off the phone because I also knew that if he said something at that moment I wouldn't believe him the next day that it would be the same...because I, too, knew he wouldn't keep his promises.
I guess they just talked alot about why JC and I shouldn't talk or see each other because those feelings are still there, etc. And JC asked how I was doing a lot. Andrea said she could tell he wanted her to say more than just, "She's ok." God! I wish I remembered more of what she said. I guess a lot of it was just the stuff I already said, but more elaborated somehow.
Andrea's thought: He's hurting pretty bad, too. He misses me a lot, he says. She thinks he's being pretty darn grown-up about the whole thing by knowing what he's capable of and what he's not. And that he's trying to do the "right" thing.
My thoughts: I don't know. I feel a little pissed off this morning. I'm pissed off because I feel like he's doing this because he does think it's the right thing to do, but that just means then that he does want to be with me, he's just scared, and he's trying to do the right thing for ME, which is nice and all, but I can decide what is best for me, ya know? He thinks he ruined my life because I quit going to the gym, school went to shit, I quit tanning, I started drinking more, etc...all after I met him. But those were all decisions I made. I haven't come as far as I have by being so easily influenced by other people. I was doing what I wanted to, and I knew that I was going to have to step it up and get back to "normal" once this whole surgery was over with.
I also feel really good because just knowing that he does miss me, that he possibly even still loves me..something...that maybe this could work out...but that's the bad part, right? Hoping? There's no way now that if he did change his mind I could just say "ok". Because I'd be too scared that he was just going with his feelings of the moment. And I don't know if I can trust him. But I would love it if that would happen, and we could take things so slowly, and just start by hanging out, and he could see if it was still there day by day.
And, oh no! Here it goes! Now I'm going to cry. Wait...nope I'm not...And I also feel stupid because I shouldn't want to still be with him, right? But I do. I thought that he was perfect for me. We fit together so well. We're so much like the same person. I don't know, maybe that's bad. Andrea is super into astrology and stuff, so you can't help but be kind of into it when you've hung around her so much, and I've always been kind of into, too. Anyway, when JC and I first met and we both knew that we were both Cancers, it was so easy to see all the things that we did, felt, and acted that were so much the same. We couldn't even play the mind games that Cancers are prone to on each other because we'd be like, "Stop it, I know what you're fishing for...", and just laugh. I know what he's going through right now. I know what he's feeling, I know why he's doing the things he's doing. I know him in the same way that I know myself. I wish I could tell him to just stop all this nonsense...I'll worry about what's good for me.
To me, this isn't making much sense, so I'll leave it for now. I think I'm going to finally go home tomorrow. Gabby is going to her dad's this weekend. One more day and then it's Friday! I think I'm going out for coffee with one of JC's...well, one of my friends now...Fern...he's the mummy from a few posts ago...He's the best gay Caveman in the whole world. I love him! So, I don't think I can get out and "party" just yet, but I do have my follow-up doctor's appointment tomorrow for my throat, so I'll know better by then. Andrea will be at Charlie Brown's for karaoke night with JC, and Mr. Incredible and whoever else...I'm guessing that it's not a good idea for me to show up for that...I know it's not...I won't. JC told Andrea last night that that would just be too awkward. I hate that! And Saturday who knows. Then I have one more week and I'm off to DC!!! Yay! I can't wait!
So, I actually was in bed last night by midnight instead of 4 or 5 in the morning. And I woke up this morning without JC being the first thought in my head. And I have made it almost an hour of being awake without crying or even wanting too...I still just feel blah, but here's why I think I feel this way this morning:
Andrea and I talked last night, and she spoke with JC, and called and told me what they talked about, so I'm either:
1. Getting my hopes up, which is bad, bad, bad!
2. I've heard some info about him, and kind of had a "JC fix", or
3. What she told me just honestly made me feel better...
It has seemed weird through this whole thing that JC hasn't really said anything to anyone. Velma, his roommate told Josh that he won't talk to her at all. He just kind of mopes around. Andrea said that he hasn't even come to her to talk about it. And some of the other friends have messaged me on MySpace and I can tell that they didn't know what was going on, and I ended up being the one who had to tell them that we weren't together anymore. I thought it was kind of strange. Usually when he would have something upsetting him he would talk to me on the phone, and then he'd say something like, "Ok, I'm gonna go talk to my roommate about this. I'll call you later..." Something like that. And I know that he appreciates Andrea's advice and thinks of her as a "big sister" or something, and usually tells her everything. So, him not talking to people, or using his "resources" has seemed a little strange. Andrea told me at the beginning of all this that she thought that he probably felt a little embarrassed and dumb about the whole thing. All of his friends have absolutely loved me, and never miss an opportunity to tell me that. It's not like when he broke up with his last girlfriend, and everyone started singing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead". And Andrea has become one of my best friend's, so he probably does feel a little embarrassed and dumb. But, last night he finally called her and wanted to talk about the whole thing...
I wish my memory wasn't so shot with drugs, so I could remember more of what Andrea told me. He called and started out by telling her that I called him on Monday, and Andrea told him that I felt better after that conversation, which I did. He said he felt the same. But he said that he got "that feeling" when he was talking to me, and wanted to just say, "let's just forget about all of this, this is dumb". But that he couldn't because he knew that things would go back to the way they were, or something, I don't really remember what she said he said. But basically he wouldn't be able to keep any promises, and he knew that, so he couldn't say, "let's forget all this". I knew he was about to do it, too. I don't remember who I told...Jessie, Josh, or Carla...but I told someone...JC and I both cried throughout the conversation and then we kind of were calm, but then his voice was cracking and he kept saying he had to go get ready for work, which I knew wasn't the truth because he still had like 45 minutes or something before he had to start getting ready. I knew that he was trying NOT to say something...and in the end I let him go easily off the phone because I also knew that if he said something at that moment I wouldn't believe him the next day that it would be the same...because I, too, knew he wouldn't keep his promises.
I guess they just talked alot about why JC and I shouldn't talk or see each other because those feelings are still there, etc. And JC asked how I was doing a lot. Andrea said she could tell he wanted her to say more than just, "She's ok." God! I wish I remembered more of what she said. I guess a lot of it was just the stuff I already said, but more elaborated somehow.
Andrea's thought: He's hurting pretty bad, too. He misses me a lot, he says. She thinks he's being pretty darn grown-up about the whole thing by knowing what he's capable of and what he's not. And that he's trying to do the "right" thing.
My thoughts: I don't know. I feel a little pissed off this morning. I'm pissed off because I feel like he's doing this because he does think it's the right thing to do, but that just means then that he does want to be with me, he's just scared, and he's trying to do the right thing for ME, which is nice and all, but I can decide what is best for me, ya know? He thinks he ruined my life because I quit going to the gym, school went to shit, I quit tanning, I started drinking more, etc...all after I met him. But those were all decisions I made. I haven't come as far as I have by being so easily influenced by other people. I was doing what I wanted to, and I knew that I was going to have to step it up and get back to "normal" once this whole surgery was over with.
I also feel really good because just knowing that he does miss me, that he possibly even still loves me..something...that maybe this could work out...but that's the bad part, right? Hoping? There's no way now that if he did change his mind I could just say "ok". Because I'd be too scared that he was just going with his feelings of the moment. And I don't know if I can trust him. But I would love it if that would happen, and we could take things so slowly, and just start by hanging out, and he could see if it was still there day by day.
And, oh no! Here it goes! Now I'm going to cry. Wait...nope I'm not...And I also feel stupid because I shouldn't want to still be with him, right? But I do. I thought that he was perfect for me. We fit together so well. We're so much like the same person. I don't know, maybe that's bad. Andrea is super into astrology and stuff, so you can't help but be kind of into it when you've hung around her so much, and I've always been kind of into, too. Anyway, when JC and I first met and we both knew that we were both Cancers, it was so easy to see all the things that we did, felt, and acted that were so much the same. We couldn't even play the mind games that Cancers are prone to on each other because we'd be like, "Stop it, I know what you're fishing for...", and just laugh. I know what he's going through right now. I know what he's feeling, I know why he's doing the things he's doing. I know him in the same way that I know myself. I wish I could tell him to just stop all this nonsense...I'll worry about what's good for me.
To me, this isn't making much sense, so I'll leave it for now. I think I'm going to finally go home tomorrow. Gabby is going to her dad's this weekend. One more day and then it's Friday! I think I'm going out for coffee with one of JC's...well, one of my friends now...Fern...he's the mummy from a few posts ago...He's the best gay Caveman in the whole world. I love him! So, I don't think I can get out and "party" just yet, but I do have my follow-up doctor's appointment tomorrow for my throat, so I'll know better by then. Andrea will be at Charlie Brown's for karaoke night with JC, and Mr. Incredible and whoever else...I'm guessing that it's not a good idea for me to show up for that...I know it's not...I won't. JC told Andrea last night that that would just be too awkward. I hate that! And Saturday who knows. Then I have one more week and I'm off to DC!!! Yay! I can't wait!
Comments
Love you,
Jessica
Also, it seems like you're making some progress with this which is so great. Keep your head up and be strong!
And, for what it's worth, even though I don't really "know" you, I agree with Jessie. Know what you're in for before you go back or you could be setting yourself up for more heartache.
And since HE broke up with YOU, I'd make it a little harder for him to be able to come back to easily. That was a horrible thing he put you through!