I haven't really talked to my mom about this whole thing. I told her what happened, kind of, and she hugged me. Now, the whole time I've been staying at my parent's I've shut myself up in my dad's room, and not talked to them hardly at all. So, today, I broke down. Well, she called and I was crying, and had no choice. It was talk to her, or call JC, which I won't do again...
She said something really interesting to me. This whole time even though he's the one who's having "issues" I just keep thinking "why me", "what did I do wrong?", "what if...", what could I have done differently?", and "what the hell is wrong with ME?"...I I I, me me me...
My mom said, "I don't know why it always comes back to that. People always want to know what it is they did wrong, but why can't our brains think in the opposite way. What is it that he did wrong? What is wrong with him? Why couldn't he step up to the plate?"
She's right. I did nothing wrong. I loved him. I loved him with complete abandoned and unconditional love. The only thing I might have done wrong is get sick, which gave me a really shitty attitude, and made me do and say things that I wouldn't have normally done. But that's nothing "wrong" with me. He knew all about me being sick. He was the one who couldn't handle it. Ultimately it all boils down to that. He said he loved first, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, wanted to get a second job for ME...to make "our" lives better, he told me he loved me so many times a day that it almost got on my nerves, and would have if I didn't think it was so cute. I did nothing wrong. I did everything I could. And in the end he was too young, and too immature, and too irresponsible to be able to handle that...he has his own issues to deal with, and hopefully the next girl will be able to get "all of him", and he won't be so easily scared off. He said the other day that he was going to be more careful, not make promises he can't keep...in fact he keeps playing with this cheap little ring that Gabby gave him to remind him of that...and ya know? He's seriously missing out. And maybe one day he'll come to that realization...when he's older, when he's more mature and more responsible, and maybe...maybe he'll realize the mistake he made. I won't hope for that because by that time it will be too late for me...right?
Mom's are great people. Well, at least mine is. Not everyone is as lucky, I know. She's always been right. My whole life I've never looked back at her advice and said she was wrong. That's what mom's do. They tell you why you should have mattress pads on your beds, and why you DO actually need more than love to make a family and a relationship work, and they tell you how great of a person you, and if someone else can't see that, then it's their fault, not yours...
She said something really interesting to me. This whole time even though he's the one who's having "issues" I just keep thinking "why me", "what did I do wrong?", "what if...", what could I have done differently?", and "what the hell is wrong with ME?"...I I I, me me me...
My mom said, "I don't know why it always comes back to that. People always want to know what it is they did wrong, but why can't our brains think in the opposite way. What is it that he did wrong? What is wrong with him? Why couldn't he step up to the plate?"
She's right. I did nothing wrong. I loved him. I loved him with complete abandoned and unconditional love. The only thing I might have done wrong is get sick, which gave me a really shitty attitude, and made me do and say things that I wouldn't have normally done. But that's nothing "wrong" with me. He knew all about me being sick. He was the one who couldn't handle it. Ultimately it all boils down to that. He said he loved first, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, wanted to get a second job for ME...to make "our" lives better, he told me he loved me so many times a day that it almost got on my nerves, and would have if I didn't think it was so cute. I did nothing wrong. I did everything I could. And in the end he was too young, and too immature, and too irresponsible to be able to handle that...he has his own issues to deal with, and hopefully the next girl will be able to get "all of him", and he won't be so easily scared off. He said the other day that he was going to be more careful, not make promises he can't keep...in fact he keeps playing with this cheap little ring that Gabby gave him to remind him of that...and ya know? He's seriously missing out. And maybe one day he'll come to that realization...when he's older, when he's more mature and more responsible, and maybe...maybe he'll realize the mistake he made. I won't hope for that because by that time it will be too late for me...right?
Mom's are great people. Well, at least mine is. Not everyone is as lucky, I know. She's always been right. My whole life I've never looked back at her advice and said she was wrong. That's what mom's do. They tell you why you should have mattress pads on your beds, and why you DO actually need more than love to make a family and a relationship work, and they tell you how great of a person you, and if someone else can't see that, then it's their fault, not yours...
Comments
F*** that!!! You can make a list of all the wonderful and giving things you did for him and for your relationship, and know that it wasn't YOU. A lot of times, we end up completely loving the WRONG person, and when it doesn't go as we want it to, we automatically blame ourselves. It sucks, but it just seems to be how it happens. It took me over TWO YEARS to get over Mike. We were together for that long, also. He was an immature, wanna-be musician, who lacked any ambition or work ethic. And guess what? He wasn't GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. I found someone who is much better. But it's all baby steps. What counts the most is that I am totally independent and can stand on my own. It's been a long road for me to have to learn so many hard lessons. But in the end, it was worth it. Just let time heal you. It's the biggest cliche' in the world, but you'll remember this experience, and be stronger for it.
I really think that it takes a special kinda guy to be able to handle a strong woman...most of them just can't! :) You have to almost think of it as an honor that a guy can't handle you!!! That's what I always told myself! :)
(hugs)