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"I fall to pieces..."

I am falling to pieces. I'm such a wreck today. I'll post about the my trip to visit Jessica, where I DID have a good time, when I'm feeling a little more up to it, but today...I can't get it together to save my life. I've been crying so hard I feel like I may have ripped one of the stitches in my throat that still hasn't dissolved!

What am I thinking right now? I have no idea. I feel so completely devestated. Today I really feel like I may be having a nervous breakdown. I called my mom to tell her I was home, and she just started in on me on getting things together for Christmas, for Gabby. And I know I should, but I just can't seem to. I can't even seem to be able to put myself aside for my daughter. I wanted my mom to be understanding, and instead she was cold and told me to go get counseling. She said she thought I would get some perspective on this trip to visit Jessie, and I guess I didn't.

I have had major bouts of depression sporadically through out my life, but this one is scaring me a little bit. I'm so completely sad and I'm so completely pissed off, and all I can do is leave mascara all over my pillow cases and beat the bed into oblivion. I hope this is just a bad day, and tomorrow I'll be able to pick myself up. I just don't know what to do. I feel so weak, and can't seem to find it in myself to move ahead...to do anything. It seems like a chore to just get up and pee in the morning. It seems like such a chore to just open my eyes.

This morning, poor Josh called to talk to me, and I yelled at him for waking me up. Not because I was really tired, but because I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep and I just didn't want to face this day. I can't do it. I've gotten lots of advice from people telling me what a strong person they think I am because I have been able to pull myself up from a bad life, go to school full time, work full time, and be a full time mom, but the truth is I can't find that strength! I can't find it at all.

I don't know what the hell is happening to me. I have been avoiding so many things because of this. I just don't want to face anything. I don't want to get dressed and walk out my door. I told Jessie and her boyfriend yesterday when I was leaving, in a joking way, that I didn't think I would ever take a shower ever again. I just didn't want to, and what was the point anyway. There's no one around to give a shit if my legs are shaved or if my hair is a greasy mess. I don't know why I'm taking this so hard. It may have been the timing as well. There's lots of things going on that are just so wrong, and I don't know how to fix them. Baby steps don't seem to be helping at all either.

I don't really believe in religion or a God, but lately I find myself saying these "mini-prayers" to "someone" out there. I know it's just me talking to myself because it's not like I'm gonna become a born again God believer...that's just not me, but I can tell that I'm reaching out for something or someone to make this ok and stabalize me because I just don't seem to be able to do it myself.

Maybe my mom is right...maybe I need counseling, and maybe Jessie is right...maybe I need to be on some kind of medication. But even those things don't change anything.

I feel so lost without my best friend here to help me and talk to me...

Comments

Jessiedc28 said…
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3:09 PM
Jacq said…
Aw, I feel so helpless! I wish I could help you, I wish I knew you in person, I wish I lived close by so you could cry, vent, throw stuff, use a punching bag while I held it, take you shopping....And I know, sometimes those things don't even help!

I have been there, Liz, and the only thing that made me heal, other than my loving friends and family, was working, staying busy and TIME, TIME, TIME! I think medication works to help you sleep, then you find yourself taking so long to wean off it! I never took them, but my sister has, and it's taken her 10 years to get to the point where she feels she doesn't need them anymore. She gained a lot of weight on them, too. She told me last night, "I needed to just deal with my problems, instead of hiding under all this medication and the excuses of having OCD and anxiety." Man, sis. That's deep!
3:09 PM
Compulsive Lizzie said…
Steph - thanks SO much...it's nice to know people are thinking about me!

Jacq - I wish I knew you in person so I could do those things too!!! Too many times I have shoved my feelings into my toes to accomodate other people!

You guys have been so great...filling me up with advice, and concern and blogging love...It's really awesome!
10:10 AM
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