J.C. and I went to lunch with my sister and brother-in-law last week. I think it went really well. I called my sister after I dropped J.C. off at work (I love thinking about him in that Obi-Wan costume!), and before I even asked she said that they really liked him. She said he was personable and funny, and she really thought mom and dad would like him. I think they will, too. Afterall, the bar is already set pretty low where my parents are concerned. He really has no place else to go except up compared with the other men in my life that my parent's have met. We didn't go to his restaurant for my dad's birthday, so my parent's haven't met him, but soon . . . really soon . . .
My best friend Jessica and some of her friends have experienced a tragedy in the last week. One of their friends took his own life, and she wrote a really great post on her blog Huh . . . that brought me to tears even though I've never met the man. And she made me think about death, which I don't deal really well with. I'm not even sure what I should say to Jessica right now. Death really does make you take stock of the things that are most important in your life. I've never had anyone really close to me die. Most of the people I've known have been about "one person removed" from me. One of my best friends from hight school's girlfriend was murdered, and another of my best friends in high school had a brother who took his own life, and then there's my grandfather, who I wasn't really close to, and had no idea how to deal with it, and around the same time my grandfather died, my dog, Samantha died. Thinking about her still brings tears to my eyes, and sometimes when I go to my parent's house, I swear I see her bushy black tail go by the backyard door.
Ok, so I don't want this to get too depressing, but I know that a lot of times I sit here complaining about all the things wrong in my life, and I don't really look at what it is that I do have. And I won't beat myself up about that because we're all like that to varying degrees. It's too hard in this world sometimes to not just be involved with yourself and your own surroundings because most of us are just trying to make it in the world we have. But I am really grateful for a lot of "things" in my life, and a lot of the people in it, too. Whatever it is that my "nature" is, I tend to take my friends in as family, and that means that a lot of times I take them for granted because I figure they have to be there no matter what just like my real family, and that's just not true. So, try to not get annoyed, I know it's not Thanksgiving, but these are some of the things and people I am truly grateful for in random order, although I'm sure some of the ones at the top are there because they have come to my mind first for a reason.
1. My daughter, Gabby, of course, who is happy and healthy and beautiful, smart, and fun. I had her at a really young age and I struggle with that all the time, but in the end I know where I am now and where I would be if I hadn't had her when I did. She saved me in a lot of ways and she keeps me grounded and resp0nsible, and what else can you say about a child . . . it's the most love you will ever feel . . .
2. My immediate family (mom, dad, Carolyn and Scott), they are always there and supportive no matter how many times I disappoint them and completely fuck up. We can be completely disfunctional and there's a lot of things wrong in our family, but who really cares when you know you are loved that much.
3. I have countless friends that are ridiculously important.
- Jessica and I have been friends for 12 years. Only lived in the same state for 2, but for some reason we've remained really close, and we have fought like cats and dogs, but in the end all that matters is that I know that if something is wrong or something is right she is a phone call aways and will be there for me even if she just finished yelling at me for not wanting to buy an infant car seat.
- What can I possibly say about my friend Josh, who i tease incessantly. I yell at him and tease him and make fun of him, and wrestle him to the ground and at the end of the day he'll still sit on my bed and laugh with me and rub my feet, and he's always the one I want to talk to at the end of the day.
- My single mom friend Carla has taught me what being independent is really about. She helped me in more ways than I can even imagine in being able to leave Gabby's dad and be ok with being on my own. And, hey who cannot appreciate a friend who will go shopping with you at any time of the day!
- My new friend Andrea and I have only been friends for a couple of months, and we've already had some little disagreements, but she seems to have staying power, and makes me laugh harder than anyone I have ever met.
4. I am so thankful that I have met J.C. He is completely teaching me what it is to love again, to feel something, to try new things, and to just have fun. And whatever happens, if it's long term or not, I would never wish this experience away.
5. I'm thankful that I am in a postition to be able to go to school. Not everyone has that opportunity, and I do really take it for granted sometimes. Or at least treat it as though I hate it, and I complain a lot about it, but I love going to class, and am really grateful for all the time I spend there, and all the professors that have had an affect on my life.
6. I have a roof over my head, running water, food, and whatever other creature comforts you can think of, and I am more comfortable than most of the people in this world. It's hard to think that way sometimes when I want a new shirt or something, but I should know from what it is that I study in school that I have a lot more than I probably should . . .
This post has really been a good outlet today, and I know it's sappy, and maybe unneccessary, and yes I, before anyone asks, I am feeling a little hormonal, but I've cried through the whole thing, and I'll probably go back to being my selfish self again in an hour or two, but to just stop and think about these things every now and then is a really good thing. I love getting comments from people who read my blog, and it's so nice to know that people would even care to, but in the end I do this as an outlet for myself, which is probably the reason most people do it, and it's so helpful sometimes. I am so just reambling here, and I'll let it go, but THANK YOU to anyone who has bothered to put up with my sometimes neurotic, sometimes sappy, sometimes dumb self!
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