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My dearest Gabby,

I watched you sleeping last night and you still look so much like you did when you were a baby when you sleep. Your soft little eyelids and eyelashes. The little pout on your lips. Your soft rounded cheeks. I clipped your fingernails last night after your bath, and realized that it had been a long time since I had looked at your hands. Something that I used to do relish in. Feeling your hands and being in complete amazement at how much they look like mine. I made you cry this morning because we didn't have time to stop and get muffins for breakfast. And it breaks my heart everytime you cry. And I know you don't know this because I don't let it show. Because I have become very cold, and I don't understand why. I wish I was that person again that loved to sit with you at 5 am and feed you baby cereal, while listening to Louis Armstrong and being completely content. Aren't we supposed to be better bonded the older you get. We just keep growing further apart. Not at any fault of yours, but because I've pulled away. I hope you know how much I love you. How much you've changed my life. I was in a very bad place before you were born, and you changed that. You made me a better person. I know you can't understand this because you probably want your dad and me to be together, but you made me a stronger person to be able to leave him.

I love everything about you. I love the little social butterfly that you are. So different from myself. I love how you call me Miss Miller when you're in trouble. I love how when we laugh together I can't tell which laugh is yours and which is mine because we sound the same. I love how you think it's so funny for me to chase you naked to make you take a bath. I love how your favorite word is poop, and you say it as much as you possibly can (even though it makes Grandma mad!). I love how you are so generous and will always give me the biggest bite of your cookie. I love how when I have a headache you say you'll take care of me and be my doctor. I just love you and everything you are and everything you do and everything you have done for me. I am a very very very lucky person to have you in my life.

Love, Mommy

Crap, this turned out to be so sappy!!! Just one of those mornings I guess! Why do I always feel a need to apologize when my "blogging" is serious with anger or sadness?

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