Dysfunction Suits Me

I got a new car today!!! I am the proud owner of a 2006 Sonic Blue Ford Focus...it's so cute! I LOVE it!! I have driven a Mercury Tracer Wagon for the last seven years...first a green one, and then a tan one! I'm so excited to be back in the world of cars that don't scream MOMMY! Hope the New Year holds only good things for everyone out there...dreams and wishes and all that jazz coming true! I feel like mine will be great! I just feel it...and if it's not...well, I'll just have to make it great...because I am...the greatest person EVER, that is!!! The only resolution I'm making this year is to love myself more...to be the best lover I've ever had. Sure I would like to quit smoking and get back in the gym, but the more pressure there is on those kinds of things, the harder it is to get them done...besides, if I'm so into loving myself in this next year those things should just come naturally!!! This was a great blogging year...I got to "meet

So, guess who, of course, was at the Sanctuary tonight? You guessed it...JC himself...the first time we've seen each other in like 3 weeks...we only had one moment where we had to walk past each other on a flight of stairs when he first got there, and we made a split second of eye contact...and guess who's okay? Some where down deep inside...I'm a little hurt...I miss him, and it hurts my pride that we couldn't even be in the same room without completely divereting our eyes from each other...but...I found out tonight...that I'm a little disenchanted with the whole thing...

Ok, so my plan today was to make it the gym and tan. That's what I was so excited about. Getting back into things that I used to love and quit doing when I met JC. Well, I didn't make it to the gym, but I did go tan. It was great! Ten full minutes of nothing but me time trapped in a little box! I have been feeling so good since abround 1030 last night. I don't know what's going on, and I guess it doesn't really matter. I have energy, and I'm excited about stuff, and I just have this weird calm feeling that I haven't had in a really long time...since before I got sick...I'm feeling good about letting go... Tonight I think I'm going out with Andrea to the Sanctuary to see one of Mr. Incredible's older bands. I like the other band he was in that broke up, but I like this other much better! I'll report in tomorrow when my week of Gabby-less-ness is over. I actually really miss her, and can't wait until she comes home. She will be going to

I have big plans for tomorrow...I'm excited...but...I probably shouldn't speak to soon...what if it doesn't happen...don't get your hopes up too much...it's only exciting to me...

I haven't had much to say...I don't have any recapping of anything except for my trip to DC. The all of 5 pictures that I took though are on REAL film, and I need to get them developed. So, I need to do that...and I'm trying to piece together in my mind some kind of "goodbye" or something for myself...I just haven't had many words lately...lots and lots of anger though...lots of the kind of anger where you really want to scream and punch somebody's head in. I would really like to do that. I saw a therapist for 3 years when I was in high school, and she had this matress leaning against a wall in one of the back offices, and whenever I was being a particularly angry brat...she would drag me in there and make me hit the crap out of the mattress with a Nerf baseball bat...GOD! That was relief...I could sure use one of those now...or a huge head with dumb spikey highlights and a few more teeth I could knock into pieces!

I'm still on a high from last night...and maybe still a little tipsy, too. I had such a great time being around people that I don't get to hang out with anymore. Andrea said I was "on fire" last night, and a lot more fun to be around than when JC and I were together. I probably flirted a little too much, definitely drank too much, but I didn't cry. It was kind of funny that the whole table of about ten or so people that were there last night were all heartbroken fools. I suppose it 'tis the season for that. I guess it's true, people really do break up a lot more right before the holidays. I know I will be bummed out though because JC come home tomorrow, and that means that I won't be able to hang out like that again with everyone. I actually think...and maybe it's just today...that I would be able to handle it...being around him when I'm out, but I'm sure it would still make everyone else uncomfortable, and who knows how the hell he would f

Yea, so, Christmas just isn't very Christmasy this year. Whatever. I didn't even put up the tree. Tomorrow night is the usual karaoke night for everyone, but of course I haven't gone since JC and I broke up. The first weekend I was recovering from surgery, the second weekend I went out with my friend Fern the Caveman, the third weekend I was in DC, but here it is the fourth weekend, and JC will be out of town visiting his mom for Christmas. So, I am totally going out and having a blast tomorrow night. I got the cutest sequined tank top the other day, and think that I will make my self feel better by jazzing up my appearance more than usual. My mom said she would watch Gabby tomorrow night on the condition that I wouldn't make a face or complain about going to church with the family on Christmas Eve. The other day when I was a complete wreck...after I wrote that sobbing post...when I finally got offline, Andrea called me up and was like, "So, dude, you're not do

There should be some sort of special button on TVs that when you push it it blocks out any programs you might see when you're in a certain frame of mind. Like say tonight I could have blocked out Dirty Dancing, Pretty Woman, and City of Angels...all of which aren't the best things to watch when you're trying to get over heartbreak. I mean what can be done when you're presented with songs like the Roxette song from Pretty Woman, that Goo Goo Dolls song, and of course, "She's Like the Wind"???

I am falling to pieces. I'm such a wreck today. I'll post about the my trip to visit Jessica, where I DID have a good time, when I'm feeling a little more up to it, but today...I can't get it together to save my life. I've been crying so hard I feel like I may have ripped one of the stitches in my throat that still hasn't dissolved! What am I thinking right now? I have no idea. I feel so completely devestated. Today I really feel like I may be having a nervous breakdown. I called my mom to tell her I was home, and she just started in on me on getting things together for Christmas, for Gabby. And I know I should, but I just can't seem to. I can't even seem to be able to put myself aside for my daughter. I wanted my mom to be understanding, and instead she was cold and told me to go get counseling. She said she thought I would get some perspective on this trip to visit Jessie, and I guess I didn't. I have had major bouts of depression sporad

I've got to knock off the bawling and sobbing this morning!!! I'm going on retreat to DC for goodness sake! And just to make sure that it stops I put on tons of mascara...actually that's nothing new, but now I don't want to end up with racoon eyes and crispy lashes, so the crying for this morning at least ends NOW!!!

It's 7 in the morning. I just dropped Gabby off at school. I haven't packed yet! I still have to go to the grocery store and buy razors, hairspray, and film! Can't forget that! I've got to finish a load of laundry, re-pack my small purse into a bigger one so I can carry a book and stuff with me on the plane, print out my itinerary, pack, and then shower. I have until noon to get that stuff done, but I'm such a procrastinator that I'll be running to do all of it at like 11 or something! Arrrggghhh! Flying is always so stressful for me! I've said it before, I don't get scared by flying, but all the stuff that has to be done before I actually sit my butt into my seat on the plane stresses me the hell out! I don't even know what airline I'm flying on, yet! Oh, yea, and I have to pay my phone bill and, I have to send an email to my college advisor that I've been putting off since I got my tonsils out. I know I'm gonna get off that p

I woke up this morning, and so far I feel ok...we'll see what happens through out the day...the sadness and sobbing just seems to creep up on me. So, DC tomorrow to see Jessie and everyone!!! I'm excited! I need a serious sabbatical, and that's what this is like! E, Jessie's boyfriend said he'd fill his huge bathtub with Macaroni and Cheese just for me...ok, well, that might be a little much, but he still said he'd make me some! Yum! My favorite! I went shopping yesterday and got a new sweater and a new pair of pants for Jessie's Christmas party on Saturday. Thank god JC paid me back the money he owed me when I saw him on Sunday! See? He is a good person...Otherwise I would be completely broke for this trip! So, the ex-boyfriend that wrote me an email, and I decided to respond, to kind of make peace with it...for relationship karma or whatever? I knew this would happen, and I know that he's going to read this, but this is why I've been &quo

"u might be her 1st, her last, or her only...shes loved before; she will love again. But if she loves u now, what else matters? Shes not perfect -u're not either. If she can make u laugh & if she admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her & give her the most u can. Shes not going to be thinking about u every moment of the day, but she will give u a part of her that she knows YOU can break -her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze & don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes u happy, let her know when she makes u mad &miss her when shes not there. Bc perfect girls don't exist, but there's always ONE girl that is perfect for you."

That's exactly what the last couple of days has been...an emotional rollercoaster. Like a great big rollercoaster with loop-de-loops, and a 40,000 story drop, and dark tunnels, and let's make it a wooden one so it's even scarier. On Sunday, when JC came over...I was ok after he left...I said something really dumb like and over dramatic like, "I don't know why you think it should be so easy for me to just let you walk out of my life." And he just responded by saying, "No one said it would be easy for either of us." And with that he shut the door. And Good Grief! this sounds like a scene out of the life sucking Lifetime movies, but he closed the door, and I sat on the floor right where I had been standing and sobbed. And then, I didn't cry again for the rest of the night. Yesterday, I didn't cry all day. I woke up this morning and felt depressed, but still no crying. However, I did allow myself to sleep and spend the whole day in bed,

I guess I should get some of what happened today out, but I just don't seem to have the words for it. Does that make sense. I saw him today. I talked to him yesterday, and we made arrangements to do the whole "giving stuff back" thing today. He borrowed his roommates car to come over here...and I don't know how I feel. It wasn't good or bad, or either. It was calm and it was emotional all at the same time. The A&M football jersey that is his "pride and joy"...he said he was thinking that I should keep it...he wanted me to have it...I just don't know what to say. Nothing has changed...it was just more a goodbye...I don't know...It definitely wasn't "good", but it wasn't bad. And I feel relieved or better...maybe those aren't really the words I'm looking for, but I don't know if I feel that way because I had another "JC fix" or because I just cried so hard that I have that after crying your eyes

"Leave" It’s amazing How you make your face just like a wall How you take your heart and turn it off How I turn my head and lose it all It’s unnerving How just one move puts me by myself There you go just trusting someone else Now I know I put us both through hell I’m not saying there wasn’t nothing wrong I just didn’t think you’d ever get tired of me I’m now saying we ever had the right to hold on I just didn’t wanna let it get away from me But if that’s how it’s gonna leave Straight out from underneath Then we’ll see who’s sorry now If that’s how it’s gonna stand, whenYou know you’ve been depending on The one you’re leaving now The one you’re leaving out It’s aggravating How you threw me on and you tore me out How your good intentions turn to doubt The way you needed time to sort it out I’m not saying there wasn’t nothing wrong I just didn’t think you’d ever get tired of me I’m now saying we ever had the right to hold on I just didn’t wanna let it get away from me But if th

I wish that JC was a complete jerk. I wish that he had cheated on me. I wish that he had done something so horrendous like insult my mom or something that I could hate him, and be pissed off!!!! Instead I have to live with the fact that he's such a good person, and he always treated me right...better than anyone else I had ever been with, and that he's really, really someone special. WHY THE HELL CAN'T HE JUST GET IT TOGETHER??? WHY IN THE HELL DIDN'T HE LOVE ME ENOUGH TO DO THAT???

Yesterday I didn't shed one tear...not one. In fact, in the morning I felt almost good. But I think I had my hopes up from that conversation I had with Andrea where she told me everything that JC had talked to her about the night before. By the afternoon, I talked to his roommate, Velma, and then I was in a huge depressive state, but still had no tears. Today...well, today is a different story. On the verge of tears, blurry vision because of tears, knots in my stomach, etc. I had an appointment with my ENT this morning. She said everything is looking good. My dad thought she had said at the hospital that I was the worst case of the DAY, but today she told me that I was the case she had ever SEEN! And she would keep well in supply of pain medication whenever I needed it. I don't know if that's good for me. Andrea was looking up all the side effects and bad stuff about any Hydrocodone product online last night, and it's a little scary. Yea, I might be a little

...and it might go away later today, so I've got to get it down. He is weak, and he has an extremely fragile ego. He wasn't able to handle a strong woman who really loved him for everything that he was. It wasn't the kind of love he was used to getting from 22 year old or younger, immature girls who would cater to that ego and weakness. I never thought I did and I didn't try to ever make him feel weak or like he wasn't worth a crap. If anything I thought I tried to pump him up, and I thought I always made him feel good about himself...But in the end probably my mere presence and my simple requests made him feel LOW about himself instead...because he just couldn't let himself be loved in a real kind of way...he couldn't handle that responsibility. And if what Andrea says is true, if he really does love me and care about me so much, but just can't say that because he knows he can't live up to all the expectations that come with that, and he told me dif

Excuse me for this, but not only is this my place to vent, but also where I try to figure things out in my own head. It seems like if I write it down, and then read it , it sometimes seems clearer. And of course, I've been getting great advice from everywhere! Thank you so much! So, I actually was in bed last night by midnight instead of 4 or 5 in the morning. And I woke up this morning without JC being the first thought in my head. And I have made it almost an hour of being awake without crying or even wanting too...I still just feel blah, but here's why I think I feel this way this morning: Andrea and I talked last night, and she spoke with JC, and called and told me what they talked about, so I'm either: 1. Getting my hopes up, which is bad, bad, bad! 2. I've heard some info about him, and kind of had a "JC fix", or 3. What she told me just honestly made me feel better... It has seemed weird through this whole thing that JC hasn't really said anything t

I don't know why, but I can't access mine or anyone else's blog from here! I can only create a post. It's weird. I don't know when I'm going home, but just wanted to say that I got everyone's comments through my emails, and you have NO idea how much they meant to me! I will respond when I can get home and actually view my blog...this is so DUMB! I don't know if he has some kind of blocker on here or what...in any case, I need to let myself sleep. I keep taking my Vicodin, and getting really sleepy, but I don't let myself sleep. I hate waking up, and having JC be the first thing in my head, and then the very next thought is, "Oh yea...that really did happen!" So, I'm going to read some more of my Diana Gabaldon book "A Breath of Snow and Ashes" and then let myself sleep before my dad gets home with Gabby. Thank you so much for buying me that book, Josh! It has helped so much in the last few days to read the last book i

I haven't really talked to my mom about this whole thing. I told her what happened, kind of, and she hugged me. Now, the whole time I've been staying at my parent's I've shut myself up in my dad's room, and not talked to them hardly at all. So, today, I broke down. Well, she called and I was crying, and had no choice. It was talk to her, or call JC, which I won't do again... She said something really interesting to me. This whole time even though he's the one who's having "issues" I just keep thinking "why me", "what did I do wrong?", "what if...", what could I have done differently?", and "what the hell is wrong with ME?"...I I I, me me me... My mom said, "I don't know why it always comes back to that. People always want to know what it is they did wrong, but why can't our brains think in the opposite way. What is it that he did wrong? What is wrong with him? Why couldn't

I'm home for a minute. I just came home to shower and clean up and stuff...I still don't want to be here, so I'll be going back to my parent's house, but I can't acess Blogger from there for some reason, and I really need to vent, so here goes... Looks like, unless the ex-girlfriend blocked her IP address or something...the minute she found out JC and I aren't together anymore she stopped spying into my life. But, who cares...I can't worry about if she's reading this or not. I just felt a little invaded. I sat down at my computer and on my desk there's one of JC's books, and this little Obi-Wan Kenobi toy that I gave him a few days before all this happened...and there's this gorgeous 8X10 black and white photo of him sitting on my desk that I was going to scan for him. I took one look at it and burst into tears. Well, I burst into tears as much as I can. I haven't even been able to "properly" cry about this whole thing because o

I guess I'll start first with my tonsilectomy. So, I woke up from having my tonsils out in a lot of pain, I was screaming, and crying, and having a hard time. I don't remember a whole of it, but I guess the doctor said that I had a lot of scar tissue, and that my tonsils were one of the worst cases. She thought it would be better if I stayed in the hospital over night for pain management and to keep myself hydrated. It was kind of nice and quiet staying there though with everything else that has been going on. So, the next day I was discharged, and I've been at my parent's house ever since. I don't really want to go home, but I'll have to soon I guess. After the first 24 hours after surgery, the next dangerous point is between the 5th and 10th day when the scabs (GROSS!) start to fall off, and I'll have another risk of bleeding out. But, they gave me two stitches on both sides because of how much they had to cut away...so who knows, but I'll just