Dysfunction Suits Me

My whole life as I have known it for the last few months came crashing down right before my eyes just a few hours after my last post. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. I woke up around 4 this morning, and now I can't go back to sleep, but I have to be up in a couple of hours. It's so cold in my apartment, and I can't get the heater to come back on. Tonight I guess I am comforted by the fact that Gabby still sleeps with me. She's like her own little heater, and has kept me warm. I don't know how long I will be gone from here, but the tonsils come out tomorrow, and then I will be at my parents. Have a great weekend!

I was going through my archives...or I guess in the case of my new blog design, my Out to Sea posts...and I was just re-reading some of my old posts, and I think i sounded a lot happier a few months ago, which is kind of weird. Especially in the posts from around May and June of this year. I think I might be a whore for all things "NEW". My mom always used to tell me I couldn't have a puppy because as soon as it grew up I'd be tired of it, and she was right. Aren't mom's always right? I might just be a little nervous about this upcoming surgery. The ENT said that she usually only has one or two patients that have hemmoraging a year, but I forgot to ask her if she'd already passed her quota...I also have to stay at my parent's house for about 4 days! YIKES *pulling hair, wanting to scream*... I went to get my bagel this morning, and the sweet bagel lady, Mary, was so embarrassed because she charged me something like $51 yesterday instead of $5.10...she...

Arrrggghhhhh!!! Ok, I needed to get that out... I received two letters from my health insurance company saying that they couldn't pay the claims from my two emergency room visits, and I needed to send in the records from that. WHAT!? Aren't they supposed to ask for that kind of stuff? Why do I pay as much as I do a month if the service providers and insurance people can't take care of that between them? Anyway, I was supposed to have them mailed in within 45 days of recieving the letters. Of course, that was one of the things that I put off...so, I called today, and the stupid hospital won't send in the records per my request. The health insurance company has to request them, or I have to PAY for them, and then send them in myself! DUMB! Finally, today, I got a really nice customer service lady on the line, and she told me to write an appeal because the health insurance people denied the claims because they're saying the diagnosis was non-emergency!!! WHAT THE FU...

...and luckily, hopefully, soon, I won't have to. Mi-Mi made a comment to me the other day about how I'm so "in-tune" with what's going on inside my body, and how much it affects me on a day-to-day basis. She's right, I am, and it does. All this being sick crap is taking it's toll on me mentally as well as physically. And, I have to be really honest in saying that I feel really alone right now. The really funny thing is that my mom is the most unsympathetic person when it comes to anyone of us being sick. She doesn't baby us, and you better believe that we had to be bleeding out of our eyes in order to stay home from school, but she is the only one right now who is being so freaking understanding of this. I don't know what it is that everyone else thinks, but taking all this medication does nothing for my physical or mental health. Antibiotics make me crazy, depressed, and nauseous, and they're really only keeping the infection at bay be...

I was just watching part of Mommy Dearest, which has always facsinated me in a weird way because I got in trouble for watching it at a friend's house when I was little, and was told that I was never allowed to watch it. I also, around this time, got in trouble by my mom and actually said something like, "Yes, Mommy Dearest", which made my mom sae fair mad! Anyways, I was watching it, and it occured to me that sometimes I'm no different from that crazy woman. I don't run around throwing AJAX or whatever that stuff was on the floor and then telling Gabby to clean it up (even though, once when I was four I covered my mom's bathroom in baby powder, no joke, COVERED IT!...maybe that was the beginning...), and I don't cut off her hair, and I definitely don't scream about wire hangers, but I think sometimes that my yelling and controlling get out of hand, and I could quite possibly be compared to Mommy Dearest. This scares the hell out of me, and I don...

...until I go under the knife and have my tonsils dissolved. I've been letting a lot of little trivial, childish things get in my way lately. All of those things cause the most useless emotions that there are: fear, hatred, anxiety, jealousy, envy...I've had them all 5 times a day for the last couple of months. And, I'm a Cancer, so, I can't very well sit here and say that I'll never have another break down again, but I'm trying and I'm learning, and growing up isn't all that bad. I had a great Thanksgiving...hope everyone out there did too! I went first to my parent's house, where my mom's stuffing dropped me to my knees. I hung out with my sister and BIL, and Gabby. It was good. My dad wasn't there. He's in CA visitng family, so that was a little weird not to have him there. We always had great Thanksgivings and holidays in my family. My mom always tries to make things really special. Sometimes it goes out of the norm and we h...

I am positively giddy as a school girl this morning!...Lazy, but giddy nonetheless. Summer is my favorite season, but I DO love it when the weather starts to change and get colder...I'll probably be sick of it in a couple of weeks, but that's the beauty of living in San Antonio...1 week of really cold weather in the winter, and then a week of sunshine. It works out perfectly. I traded in my coffee for hot chocolate this morning. After last night's screaming fest from Gabby and me, we woke up this morning, both of us, in good moods, and had a great time laughing instead...except when I had to pull all the tangles out of her hair at which point she screamed bloody murder. It's not my fault she sleeps like a wild animal, and refuses to put it up when she goes to bed. Anyway, I'm glad we're back on "good" terms. I hate sending her to her dad's when we've been fighting. So, I'm gonna finish this computer stuff up...um...and then I think I ...

It's official...I've finally decided what it is...I think the background for my posts is too dark. I don't like the way pictures show up on it...I love the whole ocean/beach theme thing because it really fits me, but I think I need something sunny, brighter...I love the picture with the mermaid because it's all bright and stuff, and so is the sidebar, but the dark, navy-ish blue just isn't doing it for me. I don't like the way my posts "look"...I think it reminds me too much of my teenage angst years, when at 14 or 15 I turned everything in my room into navy blue, and put up the darkest navy blue curtains...close enough to being black, it looked like I lived in a tomb, and I couldn't stand it after awhile...It actually contributed to my depression. That's why now, I don't even have curtains...I would much rather have the morning sun come blaring through my windows...That's what I need here...I've figured it out...

Wow! I've been blogging a lot lately. Probably as much as I used to when I first started this thing. Add the blogs here in with the ones I've been doing over at MySpace, and I've written a novel. I suck so bad at expressing myself, and I think I've been trying really hard to get some pent up stuff out, and it just never comes out right, so I just go on, and on, and on... I think it was like the 2nd or 3rd month into mine and JC's relationship when he mentioned something about the 6 month mark being the time when you can see if a relationship has any staying power or not. He said at that time that it already felt like it had been six months at that point. I guess so...we were already talking about "forever" pretty darn close to the beginning of this relationship. Neither one of us have experienced something so intense before. Now, the 6 month marker is actually coming up. I guess it's like anything..."if you haven't worn it in 6 months...

A lot about old friends...it's sad the way some relationships that used to be important to you just seem to fade away...and some you have to let go because you realize that maybe they weren't that great to begin with. Being a military brat, I clung pretty hard to all the friends I had in high school, especially the ones that actually remained here in Texas. I've realized, though, that it's the memories that count, and it's ok to just let them go...Jessie is one of those people from high school, but I'm not letting her go...we probably aren't as close as we used to be, but it's so nice to know that there is someone out there in the world who shares the same memories as me from a time that's usually pretty darn important in people's lives...the teenage years or whatever... To the left is Prom of 1993, a year of friendship already gone by. We were probably doing nothing but discussing when we were going to get married and to whom, and how many kids...

I woke up this morning and had my usual morning routine when I'm not in school or working or anything...bagel, coffee, OJ, and then I read for like 2 hours. I fell asleep thanks to all the medication I'm on, and had some crazy dreams. I woke up and read for another hour or so, picked Gabby up from school, and headed to JC's to pick him up. It's his day off from his usual job, so we actually got to spend some quality time together. Gabby did her homework, and then headed off to her friend's house upstairs...and I will admit, even though it might me sound like a horrible parent, that JC and I used that time to have the some true "quality time", which is kind of fun when you're trying to be sneaky and quick and stuff...then we laid on the couch together, him reading his book, and me reading mine...I got the better end of the deal though with a complete foot massage...Then we kind of had some serious relationship talks, which has been happening a lot l...

It must be the stupid Vicodin. It puts me in this really laid back, but "I don't know what I'm feeling" funk. It's so weird the way that things become "routine" after being a "big deal" in the beginning. For instance, Josh, Gabby, and I went into JC's restaurant tonight, which used to be kind of exciting, and now it just feels normal to see him acting as a complete different person, and to have all the other servers come and sit down at our table and converse. Things have gotten really comfortable in our relationship, which is a GREAT thing, but I find myself thinking about and missing the things that we used to do at the very beginning. I might have a problem...I might be a serial dater...a person who just clings to the "newness" of things. Or, at least, I have a problem being satiated. Something. But, the weird thing is that I am happy and content...I just think and analyze WAY too much, and I wish I could have guarantees...Mayb...

Ahhh...back in the world of steroids, Vicodin, and antibiotics. I saw the ENT today. She said my tonsils MUST come out, no if's and's or but's!!! So, I have to wait until December 1st because I've taken too much Motrin, which thins your blood, and I've got to get it out of my system. Have you ever met someone as excited as me to get their tonsils out??!! I SO want this to be over with!

Happy Veteran's Day to my dad, and every other man/woman that has or is serving. I'm so out of touch with things. I didn't even know about Veteran's Day this year until my mom told me she had today off because she works at a military high school. My dad spent 30 years in the Air Force...I spent 16 years living that whole different way of life. I've been around other military kids for so much of my life that now that I have friends who have no idea what it's about I feel weird, and have no way of explaining all the feelings that go along with it. I can kind of explain it to JC because he grew up in a really small country town, and I grew up on an AF base, which was it's own little town. No need to travel out into the big city at all. I know some bases are more intertwined with the city where it resides, and the kids go to public schools and stuff, but that's not how Lackland works. I miss it a little bit. I miss reminiscing about all the weird little intr...

...just happens to be MINE!!! I could just eat her up with a spoon. I got an email this morning from my daughter...I guess she sent it from my dad's computer...in the email was a link to a drawing she made for me. http://artpad.art.com/gallery/?ipnyea1bcv00 Gabby, when we were in Jacksonville Beach, FL this past June.

I remember so little about the couple of weeks that I was sick, and JC has had to remind me of things now and again, but every now and then a memory comes back. Did you know that if your throat is all swelled up and you can't swallow, Tylenol comes in suppository form?...YIKES! That little memory from the ER needs to stay in the amnesia wasteland!

Today's a good day! I feel like I'm "here". Does that make sense? My last post was titled after Friday night when i drank way more than I think I ever have, and I don't feel guilty about it one bit. I had too many drinks containing Red Bull, and became really, really hyper. We got back to JC's apartment, and there, lo and behold, was a Christmas Tin filled with three kinds of popcorn. I love Christmas Tins. They make me really excited and in the "Christmas" spirit for some reason. I became all about the Christmas Tin, but because the owner of the Christmas Tin wasn't home no one would open it for me. The next night I found out that it was for the "community" anyways, and finally got to open the Christmas Tin. Anyway, I spent a lot of time at a birthday bar get together on Saturday apologizing for my "behavior" on Friday night, but was told over and over again, "It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. You were so fre...

I started off this morning feeling pretty down on myself. I'm getting sick again, which I'm pretty sure is because I ran out of my antibiotics, my throat was never better anyway (just being kept at bay), and I think the reason my throat swelled up again this morning is because of allergies. So, now I can add itchy eyes and a runny nose to the things that are wrong with me, oh, and the sinus headache, too. I'm feeling better now though. I've made some decisions in my head about school and some other stuff (I haven't actually gone through with the decisions, but at least I've made decisions), and, well, I just feel better. I haven't been getting many things done in my life at all, and I will honestly admit that part of that has to do with JC. I just love being around him all the time, and we have such very different schedules, it's hard to make the time. Now it's going to be even harder. He got a second job, and will pretty much be working 6 day...