Dysfunction Suits Me

UPDATE Jessica is the bestest friend n' the whole wide world!!! I have had moments in our friendship where I have thought that I really hated her and strangling her wasn't too far fetched, but in the end, she's the coolest!!! She did something very cool for me this weekend!!! Thanks, Jess! My "job" is seasonal, and the season is upon me again. I started back to work last Friday, and now my days of blog reading, bagels, coffee, and being a lazy bum are over. 30 hours a week, plus 12 hours of classes...plus the 24 hour parenting job, and I'm swamped!!! I'm happy to be around people again though, and not just sitting at home alone with my computer! I hope to be able to keep up with this blog, and with reading all my e-friends' blogs as well at least twice a week, I hope.

Just Dollin' Around This was fun . . . and I stole the idea from Jeanette !

Just One of Those Things One of the few reasons that I don't want to have any more children is because Gabby is already going to be 7, and I just don't want to have that big of a gap in ages with my kids. Not for their sake, but because I don't want Gabby to be 18 and leaving my house for school or something, and then have a new born baby or close to, and starting all over again. I never have lived the life of a 20-something-year old. So, I guess if I had more kids, I would have to get on the ball sometime in the very near future . . . um . . . but then again . . . um . . . NO! The AOC is going out of the countryfor two weeks. He has the most awesome job, and that's one of the things that attracts me to him, what he does, what he likes to do, but it does kind of suck for me! He did warn me in the beginning that he can't keep dogs anymore let alone a girlfriend because of what he does (hmmm...I just re-read that, and I'm not sure I like the whole dog-keep-girlfri...

"Where the hell are you goin'?" My usual foot attire is black flip-flops. I own hundreds of shoes, but the flip-flops are so comfortable, go with everything, and I hate wearing shoes, so I try to wear as little shoes as possible. Everytime I go shopping with my friend Carla I find the cutest, tallest, craziest shoes I can, and really want them. Her response is always, "Where the hell are you going?" She's right. And now I have these high ass red boots. Where the hell am I going? I'm certainly not making the 20 minute trapse across the parking lot to my school campus in these...

I'm on a roll! I did it. I fought the urge, and did not give in to the last 6 months of addicting bagels and coffee! I measured out my Cheerios to a perfect 2 cups, and my fat free milk to 1 1/2 cups. I got rid of the Wimp, and now hopefully I'm back to eating correctly. I want to see at least 1 in. missing from every body part the next time I get measured. And I kind of need to prove to myself that I can do this! Shopping for clothes isn't any fun when everything in style is so damn tiny, and it's hard enough getting my boobs into those little shirts, let alone worrying about whether or not I can see back fat through my shirt!!! Yucky Yucky Back Fat! Back fat is the enemy. I shopped for almost 6 hours yesterday. Poor Josh was the one dying on this particular trip. It's usually me complaining that I want to go home, but have money, will spend!!! I'm having a hard time and overanalyzing this AOC thing way too much. I guess I just feel like he's really not th...

"Happy Happy, Joy Joy . . . " I did it. I switched trainers. The Limp Wimp hurt my back the other day, and I'm dying in pain. It's one thing to put up with his nasty words, but I'm not risking injury to my body! So, on Monday I will begin training with one of the biggest black men I have ever seen in my life (and he's cute, too), Ray. Called Aaron the Beast and let him know about the switch. He said this guy is really good. He's been a trainer for a long time. Well why in the hell didn't he give me to him instead then, so I didn't have to live the last few weeks in horror???!!! I guess this guy just moved to my gym from another gym. Anyhoo . . . I haven't even worked out with the guy yet, but I can just tell that things will be better, and while I still miss Aaron, this dreaded feeling I've been having in the pit of my stomach is gone. I'm actually a little excited. It can only be better. Nothing could be worse than the Limp Wimp. Aaron...

School Teachers Unite! Jess and I have had a couple of conversations lately about the past tense of certain words. For instance - SWEAT. Is it just sweat or sweated. I think it's sweat. Swat is incorrect, but it's funny. My mom was a school teacher. She has taken on the role of "parent" with Gabby's homework on the evenings that I have class. Last night they were doing some homework, and my mom came across the word "petted". She said she became very upset and almost wrote the teacher a note saying that she didn't know where the hell she got that word, but it is incorrect, and she should learn to speak the English language before she became a 1st grade teacher. But...then mom decided that maybe she should look it up in the dictionary first...sure enough! The past tense of "PET" is petted, not just plain pet...like, "I pet my dog last night." Who knew? I thought it was just plain pet too, like sweat, and like "h...

Things I Didn't WANT to Know Another perfect example of why I hate the little piece of shit that is my new trainer. All trainers at my gym foam roll and stretch their clients out before you start a workout. You lay on a mat and basically let them hurt you to death. No...really...it f-ing hurts!!! And, you can't help but make faces and grimace a lot. Whenever the Wimp hits a really sore spot and I make a face or a noise, he says, "Oh Yea!" I thought he meant this in a kind of "Feel the Burn" kind of way. Nope! The Wimp : Did you know that a woman makes the same face when she's in pain as she does when she's in the middle of the throes of passion? Yep! It's true. If you film a woman in labor she'll make the same face as when she's having an orgasm. So, now I know. The "Oh Yea!" is because he's thinking about me in bed? as he I'm laying there truly dying in pain. Not like he can get it up anyway...

Things I Didn't NEED to Know Perfect example of the Wimp, my most awesomely uninspiring new trainer, and his anecdotes and comparisons. I ask a question of my very knowledgable? trainer. Just a simple question that in the end could have been answered by saying, "It's just one of those things that happens because everybody's body is different." BUT, this is not the answer I got ... well, eventually he got around to saying that. (My comments in pink) The Wimp : I went to the doctor the other day. Well...I'm about to tell you something personal. I have adult ADD and take Hadoral. I went to see the doctor because I'm having a problem with my little friend, if you know what I mean. (At which point he stuck his finger straight out, and slowly lowered it as he made some kind of sound effect which was supposed to illustrate his erection problems) The doctor sees mostly just children so he didn't really know all the side effects on adults. So...

What the hell? Remember the cyst on my knuckle? Well, at the same time that one showed up, I had another one show up on my foot. The PA who removed the knuckle cyst said I should see a pediatrist for that one. But, I haven't gone yet, and it keeps getting bigger. See? It's sticking off the side of my foot, right under my big toe. YUCKERS!!!

Veruca Salt is at it again! Did you see that my man won last night? Last night, Josh and I sat in my bed eating pasties from La Madeleine, watching the Golden Globes as I yelled at Gabby every 2.8 minutes (I feel really bad about that, I just want to kiss her all day to make up for it!). Josh really is the best girlfriend I could ever ask for! My fantasy man may have won last night, but my real, unreal man is making me crazy! I think I got a little spoiled. Since Christmas I have had an email or a phone call from the AOC for like 5 days straight, and then maybe one day off. NOW . . . I haven't heard from him since Thursday. I know he was doing work stuff this weekend, and wasn't at home, but my brain just can't help analyzing and reanalyzing the whole situation. I am constantly thinking the worse. Everytime this happens I tell Josh that he doesn't like me, he hates me, he's never emailing me again . . . and then of course, he always does. Obse...

Ordinary People I had kind of decided that I would no longer comment on the AOC . I had decided that I would definitely not comment on any kind of planned meeting that might take place with the AOC. It was such a huge disappointment the last time, and who in the world wants to share that with anyone who happens across this site? However . . . . this is life, right? Things happen. And I shouldn't censor myself in any way, shape, or form. SO . . . with that said . . . He said something about Feb 4. There will be absolutely no trusting or high hopes on my end though until he calls and says, "I am now entering the terminal, I am walking down the ramp, I am sitting in my seat." Things have been going well though. I just seriously need to work on my "Veruca Salt" attitude. Things happen as they happen, and things happen for a reason? I'm not so sure I believe that, but whatever, it helps to think that way. OMG!!! School starts in like 3 days!!! It always kind of s...

In the left corner we have . . . Josh and Gabby fight as if they are brother and sister. Sometimes it really cracks me up. Tonight at dinner Josh called Gabby a dork (very mature, Josh). She was upset for a moment, but then my bright, bright daughter called Josh "Dorky Porky!" I'm not sure even she knew just how fitting this was since Josh has been feeling a little bitter about some extra pound gainage. I was not too thrilled, however, when she turned around and called me "Miss Poopy Pants!" Hey!!! Isn't she supposed to stick up for me, and only help me gang up on Josh!!?? Josh then called Gabby "little". Gabby said, "I'm not little. I'M SIX-YEARS OLD! So why don't you put some poop on that!" I love her! (Let me also remind everyone that Josh is my 34-year old best friend here in San Antonio!! Let me repeat . . . 34 . . . fighting with a six-year old!!!) Oh! And in the conversation on the phone later in the eveing, h...

Was that necessary? I discussed yesterday with the Wimp my "dreams?" of being a personal trainer. He had nothing but good things to say about that!!! "Wow! You'd be a really great trainer!!! It wouldn't take you long at all to be an expert, and you're stronger than most of my male clients! You should get certified!" But, then, he added, "Although you're going to have to start eating right! So we can get your body fat down! You're going to have to get rid of "this" if you want to do it!" And at the point of saying "THIS", he grabbed a handful of fat off of my side!!! Not once, but about 3 or 4 times!!! Was this necessary??? Couldn't he have just said that we needed to get my body fat percentage down again? Why did he feel the need to grab the fat from the place that I am the most sensitive about, and proceed to pull and squeeze??? I talked with a girl trainer a couple of times yesterday. I may ...

I'm Back When I spoke with Aaron the Beast a couple of days ago, he said that my problem with the Wimp is not his training expertise. It's just that I don't like him. Umm...maybe. I don't like him, and his training expertise sucks. The thing that bothers me the most is the way he talks. If I were to ask Aaron a question he would explain fully. Not always in layman's terms, but I liked it that way. When I aks the Wimp a question he always has to give me an anectdote. Like I'm a little kid. I would just really like to know why his anecdotes always involve dating and sex. He compares everything to dating and sex. And he always brings the subject back to him being "a man, not a boy" and what a nice guy he is. Isn't it always the guys who tell you they're nice guys that are trying way to hard? Seems like my 2 1/2 weeks of hormonal depression has ceased. Woo Hoo! I have a week and a half till it starts again!!! But for now, may...

Amazing I am finding myself somewhat oddly attracted to a trainer named R. He's prettier than me. He shaves his legs.

My dearest Gabby, I watched you sleeping last night and you still look so much like you did when you were a baby when you sleep. Your soft little eyelids and eyelashes. The little pout on your lips. Your soft rounded cheeks. I clipped your fingernails last night after your bath, and realized that it had been a long time since I had looked at your hands. Something that I used to do relish in. Feeling your hands and being in complete amazement at how much they look like mine. I made you cry this morning because we didn't have time to stop and get muffins for breakfast. And it breaks my heart everytime you cry. And I know you don't know this because I don't let it show. Because I have become very cold, and I don't understand why. I wish I was that person again that loved to sit with you at 5 am and feed you baby cereal, while listening to Louis Armstrong and being completely content. Aren't we supposed to be better bonded the older you get. We just keep growing furt...

My Brown Eyed Girl "Mom! Please? Could you knock it off with the picture taking!"

My Baby's Daddy I'm not sure I've ever said anything before about Gabby's dad other than saying when she goes to his house for the weekends. I had an incident with him when picking Gabby up last night, and it just made me so mad. I really am stuck with this man for the rest of my life, aren't I? Or at least until Gabby is 18! Maybe that's why the thought of being with someone else, of letting go of my emotions, of marriage, of having more children scares me SHITLESS!!! I met this man when I was only 15 years old, was with him for nearly 8 years, and because of that I think he has shaped the person that I am much more than any other "boyfriend" type person would. This said 'shaping' is not positive either. I used to be really afraid of him, and I'm not anymore, and my reactions to his "behavior" has gotten much better, but he still gets to me like no one else! Gabby has such a good relationship with him that I find it hard to v...

Something old, something new . . . I've noticed lately that I have some new favorites in my life. There are some things that I have learned to appreciate more and things that I don't think I could do without, and things that I seriously couldn't stand in the past, and have come to love. Things that I pay more attention to. Things that have all of a sudden struck a chord with me. Things that I just figured out make me very very very happy. 1. Cinnamon Danish bagels (even though this morning it had a strange single raisin in it. Hmmm...) 2. Coffee (especially Southern Pecan, GOD ! I can't wait till Thursdays!) 3. The color blue. 4. Paint Shop Pro 5. Martinis (The dirtier, the better) 6. $1.95 margaritas at happy hour 7. The smell of lavender (Why did I hate this smell before???? I LOOOOOVE the smell of lavender) 8. Black Flip-Flops (I love you, my black flip-flops!) 9. American Eagle 10. Josh (Ok, rarely, but I'm learning to appreci...

Something Blue Untitled

Do I have room in my life for another John? I bought a CD yesterday based on just the look of the cover, and on the potential that it "looked" like it had. It's rare for me (or anyone probably) to buy a CD anymore, but this one was $9.99, and I was really drawn to it for some reason. I've never bought a CD without even having heard of the artist. But, I put away Keane, and I put away Ben Harper, and System of a Down, and instead went for the unknown to me John Legend . The album was produced by Kanye West, who of course is just all over the place right now, and this is not usually my type of music, but the face of John Legend on the cover was calling to me. He looks a little like a young Al Greene on the cover of the CD. So check it out. It might surprise you . . . even the track featuring Snoop.

My Favorite Muffin I just love this man's blog . I can't get enough of that baby. Too cute! I watched a movie last night recommended by the AOC . . . Lantana. I'm not sure what I thought. It was very slow moving. What disturbed me was that it was all about these different married couples, and the affairs that they did and didn't have. Hmmm . . . I hope he just thought it was a good movie, and wasn't trying to give any hints! I called and talked to Aaron the Beast on 6 different occassions yesterday. In tears for a couple of them. I was trying to get him to switch trainers for me. He said he would do it, but in the end I decided that I have so few training sessions left that I would just suck it up and deal with the Wimp. Then I can decide if I want to buy more sessions and change trainers. But you know, if I'm really so into all this stuff, I should use the money to get certified as a trainer and then I can just train myself. the only thing is is that...

Nuts to Soup Just in from my wimpy training session. He made me sweat, and yes I even hurt a little, but I didn't have to crawl out of the gym. The Wimp and I had a conversation with another trainer who said that all of Aaron's clients are begging to be put through pain. We've all become a bunch of sadists!!! Muuahahaha!!! I was on the floor doing some crunches and there was a guy sitting on a weight bench. He kept snorting his snot! And I could see one of his little balls up the leg of his shorts. YUCK-EEE!!!

Secret Agent Barbie I got the best email in the world from the AOC this morning. The best. The best. The best one ever! I'm too scared to say anything ever again on this blog about any possible upcoming meetings though. What could I possibly say if it fell through again? I'm off the see John Michael the Wimp (I would so like to use the "P" word instead!) today. On Tuesday I almost cried again from missing Aaron the Beast so badly. All we did was stretch and do the foam rolling thing. Aaron always used the broomstick, and I always complained about it. The first time John Michael used it with me he bruised me, and so he told me he wouldn't do it again. WHAT!? I should be happy about this right? But I'm not. After you've built up your pain tolerance you don't get any benefit from going back to the easier way. So, Aaron told him to use the broomstick. But everytime I would grimace, the Wimp would say, "I'm so sorry, does that hurt?" Or...

Toyota Corrola Josh was sweet and came and picked up Gabby and me. We took Gabby to school, stopped for bagels and coffee, and then I took him to work. On the way to his office, I kept noticing that he would do something weird with the gas and the break pedals whenever we were stopped at a light. I asked him nicely if his car was going to cut off on me. He simply said yes, but it will turn right back on. WHAT?! I begged him to just take me home and drop me off. He could keep his stinkin' car. But by this point I think he was relishing in the fact that I was scared to drive his car. Once in it I couldn't even stick the key in the ignition. I tried it many times before Josh finally left me to my own devices. (The key BTW was bent up and scratched to death.) I did fine though. I got to my first light, and thought well, I have driven worse, not much, but yes, worse. I stayed home all day anyways. He couldn've just kept his piece of junk. He called in the afternoon to find o...

Everyone Stop Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock

Yes, I am now creating my own quotes. "Lonesome is as lonesome does."

"The bass keeps runnin' runnin' and runnin' runnin' . . . " Tow truck came for my car. Parent's picked me up. Took my sister to the airport. Parent's and I picked up Gabby. Ate dinner at parent's house. Dad dropped Gabby and me off at home. We have no car, We have no food in the house. At least we can have a drink of water . . . NOPE, can't have that. We have no water. Apartment people broke the main water line. I have to walk Gabby to school tomorrow morning. Josh said, "Oh, how cool." And meant it. I hate him.

Happy, Happy New Year to Me! I just left my apartment. I was going to my mom's to take my sister to the airport. My car died . . . AGAIN!!! I can't believe this. I hope this is not some sign of what the year to come will be like. Update on AOC: (Here you go, K!) I have received really great, really sweet emails all weekend long. BUT . . . for the moment . . . until we actually meet . . . I'm just kind of over it . . . well, I'm not, but I've definitely reached my plateau of email and IM conversations. More phone conversations would be good, but I'm just ready for this meeting to happen. The last time he mentioned something about it, like um, two days ago, he just said, "I still believe we have met because we have a strong connection, and I don't know how/when we'll meet in the flesh, but just know that it will happen." Does this sound like he's blowing me off or what? I know he has lots planned for this month . . . I really want this man, ...

Overwhelmed I am overwhelmed with shock and sadness. I have to stop watching CNN. After 9/11 I watched CNN 24 hours a day, sleeping for a couple of hours, going to school, and heading right back to my television. I did this all the way up until the beginning of the actual war. This kind of news watching is so unhealthy for the psyche. You don't even realize how it's affecting you until you scream at people for no reason even when you're not PMSing. I tried not to watch too much news after the whole tsunami thing, but I've ended up watching more than I need to. Not that I don't want to know what's going on in the world, and not that I don't care immensly for those people, but watching CNN reportings can just suck you in, and change your brain little by little without even knowing it. The geographer in me has also been doing research (yes, research that I can't do to write a paper in school, but seem to have been doing a lot of lately) on the actual ph...