Dysfunction Suits Me

I promise!!! A new blog, a new list...and who knows what else!!!

I recently read a book called Good Grief...it was about a woman who's husband dies and the book is split up into the five stages of grief. It was sad, but written with lots of humor...and it kind of applies to just losing someone in general. The one thing I liked a lot in this book was that the main character and her best friend have this thing that they do every time they go out with a guy and it ends for one reason or another...they write a "good riddance" list...a list composed of all those things you convinced yourself were "cute", but really down deep they annoyed you to no end...so I thought this would be something good for me to do in my whole healing/growing process...this isn't meant to be bashing or mean spirited in any way...it's just the truth... Good Riddance List 1. It annoyed me that he didn't take good care of his teeth. Not only just the shape of them...but everything... 2. It annoyed me that he sounded like a flock of geese whe...

First off I remembered a couple of the other movies I watched: 1. Friends with Money...It was good. Ok I guess is more like it. 2. The Holiday...LOVED this one...I could watch it over and over and over again. I started watching the Party of Five DVDs and can't stop! They're just too good! I also rented The Last King of Scotland, The Devil Wears Prada, and One Night with the King...I'll let you know how that goes. In trying to "get better" and progress I've been doing a little self exploration in order to find out who I am, where I'm going, and to just basically get so that I love myself. Part of that is working on why I'm such a mess with relationships. A little while before I met JC I was talking to Ray Ray the Killer about what I was looking for in a guy. He asked and I responded, "Someone who lives on his own, can do his own laundry, and can balance his own checkbook." Ray Ray said, "That's it?" And, yea...that was i...

I've been watching a lot of movies lately...ALOT!!! Some I've bought...some I rented...some I had seen before and bought anyway...some I bought and still haven't seen...it's been good "therapy" as Jessica put it. Maybe...it takes my mind off things...and really good movies are always good for the soul...and I think of really good movies kind of like books...you can learn something...even if it's only about yourself. :) 1. Blood Diamond...saw it in the theatre, but LOVE this one...watch it!!! 2. Bobby...rented it...really liked it. 3. Rumor Has It...I love Shirley Mcclain in anything! I cried my eyes out. Of course I did watch it right after the next one.d 4. World Trade Center...everyone has their own sad story dealing with 9/11, and I definitely have my own demons from that day...week...I thought it was a great movie. 5. Volver...started off thinking it was kind of weird...Spanish humor is different from American humor, but by the end I was lovi...

1. Who would have thought? That I might actually like my new job. This afternoon I was out of training and on my own. It wasn't so bad. The work actually keeps me busy enough, and you have to put a lot of thought into it, so it was a challenge, and I wasn't bored at all...and it wasn't hard. It was ok. I'm still not giving up my dreams. But to get some cash, I might not have picked such a bad job afterall. 2. I'm really into women empowerment right now. I know, it's very cliche for a woman who's just been burned. But you know the old saying...fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me. Well, that's exactly what happened. I gave JC a second chance, and now it's shame on me. And I won't fall into that trap again. I turned a blind eye to many a thing because of my own insecurities, but I really believe that my next relationship will be so much better because I will love me first....which takes me to... 3. I don't look ...

When I was 15 my mom took me to see a therapist. Which I guess for any 15-year old this could be a good thing. I was diagnosed as having depression, but back then (yes, I think I'm old enough to say that...it was 15 years ago!) depression was still a hush, hush...maybe it isn't real kind of thing. I ended up liking my therapist a lot. In fact it became a not so good relationship because we both became kind of like friends. I took medication over the years, but never really thought it helped me. I always thought I could manage it. And for the most part I did. I mean you don't get a degree with a kid without managing something. But I've acted out in ways I shouldn't have many a time. I'm sure JC was part of that. But now I know that I can manage the depression, it's the anxiety (that I didn't really think I had) that I can't manage. So, when my relationship falls apart, I have to say goodbye to one job, and hello to another in one weeks time...well...l...

I think about the past alot. I always have, but recently I've been thinking about it in a different light. I usually think about the past in a longing way. Wanting to go back to times when things were different in some way...or missing people...or the usual. But lately I've really been thinking about how my past relates to my present and my future. Which I guess is the more healthy way to think of it. So, if some of my blogs are about things from the past, and it's boring, I apologize up front. I'm hoping that eventually my past is going to catch up with my present, and put me a better place...if that makes any sense. But, once again, my dad is wanting his computer back pretty quick. So...more to come...at my new home.

My dad is itching to get his computer back...so I'll make this short...I'm so happy to be more anonymous. We'll see if just changing the address works. If not, I'll make my settings so that only invited people can read, or I'll get a password. Something. But it feels much better to be able to express myself. So...I'll elaborate more, but let me just say that things were pretty desperate for a week or so there after JC and I broke up. I was hysterical, frantic, and a crying mess. But...I finally went to see a doctor, and am finally being treated with medication for depression and anxiety. Please don't send me hate mail for doing this. You have no idea how much it helps. I see clear...really, really clear. Ok, my dad keeps walking down the hall and asking how I'm doing...he really wants his computer back. I'll write more tomorrow.

... tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow... Sorry...It just caught in my head after I typed the title...my sister and I used to belt that one out when we were little. So tomorrow is the big day when I finally change the address on this thing, or set it to private or whatever...so if you want to keep reading please email me... gara_tx23@yahoo.com ... Then I can feel free to express myself again on this thing. It's weird how this thing that was such a great outlet for so long has become stressful...but it won't be anymore...and then I can let you in on some stuff.

Maybe...I met and talked to a lot of interesting people today at work. This is just a whole different world of people. I'm getting used to it, but still feel a little lost. I'll be MUCH better once I get the training on the computer system next week. Hmmm...what else...nothing much for tonight. I didn't make it to the gym for some cardio today because I had an appointment that I made last minute. And now I have to pick up Gabby... That's why I've been able to blog so much lately...Gabby is taking a tutoring program after school for the upcoming TAKS math test. So, my dad is picking her up from school three nights a week. My computer's still broken, but I can at least get over here to blog for the next three weeks. I'm going to try to remember to bring my computer to my dad this weekend. Gabby goes to her dad's this weekend. I will miss her. We have been bonding over the last couple of weeks. Another good thing about this whole mess...I get to ...

So at work I'm crosstraining with everyone in the company. Meaning that I have to go and sit with people who are doing stuff that I'm not even going to do. It's just so I understand the "assembly line". For the afternoon I was up on Joshy's floor. It made me feel good to have him around. He's always been there when I fall. But I have had an epiphany lately. I have spent the last 15 years of my life living for other people...living for stupid men who can't grow up. Three of them. And I went to school for my mom...at least at first...and of course I have to live everyday for Gabby. But now I have the perfect opportunity. I gave up so many job options to stay here in SA to be with JC because HE said he wanted to move in together...and HE said he wanted to marry me and have babies. So for the last two years...and especially for the last 8 months since I graduated...I lived basically to accomodate him. So....now I can do what I want. I can try to let go of ...

This was my horoscope today... Throughout today, you will feel the impact of past actions very strongly -- this could include both pleasant memories and unpleasant ones, so be prepared for pangs of melancholy to pop up here and there. There is no going back, so do not succumb to feelings of regret -- which is a waste of emotion. Know that these negative experiences helped you learn some very important lessons. Take a philosophical approach and carry on. I have to say first that this blog is not going to turn into an Elizabeth crying over JC saga/fest the way it did the last time this little kid decided to screw me over. I don't have time for "slummin'" in my life anymore. I don't have time for someone who gets afraid and panics over his own inadequacies of not being able to grow up. And I don't have time to deal with someone who doesn't understand that relationships don't say in the "getting to know you phase". Twice now...when I was sick...

I don't usually speak to my father about things. I always talk to my mom. But I'm at my parent's house and my mom wasn't here, and I was having a bad moment. So, my dad hugged me and talked to me. And I told him how it really upsets me that I don't have a choice in what's going on right now, and he said simply that I do. I can choose to be happy and alive, and in good health, and living up to my standards...or I can choose to be upset, remain where I am, continue to underachieve in my pursuit of happiness. I think it's so much easier for men to turn off the "hurt", but I really appreciated it. It makes so much sense, right? Now I just have to put it in practice. Speaking of DADs...JC's dad called me out of nowhere today. He hasn't heard from JC in a while, and I guess he was worried so he called me to ask if I had seen him lately. So...it was up to me to have to tell him what was going on. I'm not sure if it's excuses he was giving ...

I'm going to leave this blog public for about another week to collect emails from people who still want to read. I need to do a major clean up of my life, and I don't want people reading this who shouldn't be.

We ended up staying at my parent's house for another night. I got really distressing news last night that JC actually used to date this girl...he never told me that when she started working at his job again. I found out that after he told me he WASN'T going to have a relationship with her, he went to a party at her house this past Sunday night. And I learned that he told some people that I called everyone from his job to tell them about this. Well, I called his boss' wife to come pick up he truck that JC is buying, hasn't paid for, wrecked, and is parked at my apartment!!! That's all. I have erased those crazy fuckers out of my life, too. I don't want anything to do with any of them. I don't want to know what JC's doing and not doing. I know him better anyway. I know that the only way he knows how to kill pain is to go drinking up to the point of blacking out every night. And once all this immediate "excitment" dies down...he's going to be ...

I've been staying at my parent's house, but it's kind of time for me to go home I guess. Really it's that Gabby wants to go home. And I do need to get some serious cleaning done before Jessica comes. I think if I can get down and dirty in all that grime it will somehow make me feel better, too. I can clean up all the physical mess that JC left me in as well as the emotional. But don't worry about me. I know that JC was supposed to fuck up this bad. It probably is the only way for me to finally see my worth. I have this whole new job starting on Monday, and I'm gonna guess that there's a pretty good reason why this would happen. I probably needed it. I wasn't strong enough to take the high road myself. And no it really doesn't make me feel better to put JC down, but I do know just how much better I AM than he is. How much more I deserve. I don't want to be poor for the rest of my life. I don't want to constantly have to be remindi...

And I've been right. He is doing this for all the same reasons he did last time. Running scared. Only this time he cheated on me with a not very special girl on top of everything else. He can't even answer basic questions. Underneath all his anger, and blocking everything out, and his own pain that he can't see past, he doesn't want to lose this relationship, but this is the only way he knows how to react when he's angry and hurt. I don't need that. I need a strong man. One who can stand up to normal everyday stresses. One who can take care of himself and of me and Gabby when we need it. What was I ever thinking to allow this little boy into my life, and believe that he could step up to the plate? I'm not sure it was even love. I've been questioning myself the whole time we've been back together on if I really do truly love him, or if it's only that I wanted to be loved and wanted. And I'm pretty sure that that's what it was/i...

What happened, indeed. I knew something was wrong. Before I knew anything was wrong with JC, I knew in my mind that things just weren't right. When we got back together everything was great. All that excitment, and the sparks, passion, etc. But every now and then these little doubts would come up. Doubts about whether the guy could go one day without a beer, doubts on if the guy had one ounce of ambition in his soul, doubts about whether he'd ever be able to hold an intelligent conversation with me, doubts about whether he was ever going to grow out of hanging out with alcoholic losers. And I ignored them all because I thought...I love him. And that's enough for both of us to make it work. I continued to believe in compromise, and I continued to believe that I could get intellectual stimulation from outside of my relationship, and I continued to believe that we were both stressed lately and the "spark" would come back. I guess that's why all my blogs ...

Yep...he really did, and then he had the nerve to actually go to Gabby's birthday celebration and sit there in fron tof my family and Gabby and act like nothing was going on. It was someone from work. So, needless to say we're not going to be together anymore. I am hurt, but mostly I'm in shock, and very, very, very angry. And a little part relieved. All the times I knew this wasn't going to work, or every doubt I had, or all the time I wasn't happy...Now I get to start a whole new life with my new job and my daughter.

SO...Guess what??? I GOT A JOB!!! Hurray for me!!! I rock! I'm the best! Etc, Etc, Etc. Yea, right...it's more like...it's about damn time!!! I'm super excited. I think it's something I really have a knack for...not necessarily what I thought I would do with my life, but it's a really great place to work...just ask my friend Josh...he works there, too...oh no!!! That could kill me!!! J/K, Joshy!!! So, my last day at my current job is next Friday. Everything else is super great as well. Gabby just turned 9 on Sunday. Can you believe it? She's at her dad's for the second half of the Spring Break week, and I took tomorrow and Friday off from work...so yay...big break for me!!! It's taking me since June, when I started seriously looking for a job, to get one...and I've been very frustrated and depressed with that, but today, as I was looking around the workplace that I've been for 8 years, I realized that it's probably a real...