Dysfunction Suits Me

... tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow... Sorry...It just caught in my head after I typed the title...my sister and I used to belt that one out when we were little. So tomorrow is the big day when I finally change the address on this thing, or set it to private or whatever...so if you want to keep reading please email me... gara_tx23@yahoo.com ... Then I can feel free to express myself again on this thing. It's weird how this thing that was such a great outlet for so long has become stressful...but it won't be anymore...and then I can let you in on some stuff.

Maybe...I met and talked to a lot of interesting people today at work. This is just a whole different world of people. I'm getting used to it, but still feel a little lost. I'll be MUCH better once I get the training on the computer system next week. Hmmm...what else...nothing much for tonight. I didn't make it to the gym for some cardio today because I had an appointment that I made last minute. And now I have to pick up Gabby... That's why I've been able to blog so much lately...Gabby is taking a tutoring program after school for the upcoming TAKS math test. So, my dad is picking her up from school three nights a week. My computer's still broken, but I can at least get over here to blog for the next three weeks. I'm going to try to remember to bring my computer to my dad this weekend. Gabby goes to her dad's this weekend. I will miss her. We have been bonding over the last couple of weeks. Another good thing about this whole mess...I get to ...

So at work I'm crosstraining with everyone in the company. Meaning that I have to go and sit with people who are doing stuff that I'm not even going to do. It's just so I understand the "assembly line". For the afternoon I was up on Joshy's floor. It made me feel good to have him around. He's always been there when I fall. But I have had an epiphany lately. I have spent the last 15 years of my life living for other people...living for stupid men who can't grow up. Three of them. And I went to school for my mom...at least at first...and of course I have to live everyday for Gabby. But now I have the perfect opportunity. I gave up so many job options to stay here in SA to be with JC because HE said he wanted to move in together...and HE said he wanted to marry me and have babies. So for the last two years...and especially for the last 8 months since I graduated...I lived basically to accomodate him. So....now I can do what I want. I can try to let go of ...

This was my horoscope today... Throughout today, you will feel the impact of past actions very strongly -- this could include both pleasant memories and unpleasant ones, so be prepared for pangs of melancholy to pop up here and there. There is no going back, so do not succumb to feelings of regret -- which is a waste of emotion. Know that these negative experiences helped you learn some very important lessons. Take a philosophical approach and carry on. I have to say first that this blog is not going to turn into an Elizabeth crying over JC saga/fest the way it did the last time this little kid decided to screw me over. I don't have time for "slummin'" in my life anymore. I don't have time for someone who gets afraid and panics over his own inadequacies of not being able to grow up. And I don't have time to deal with someone who doesn't understand that relationships don't say in the "getting to know you phase". Twice now...when I was sick...

I don't usually speak to my father about things. I always talk to my mom. But I'm at my parent's house and my mom wasn't here, and I was having a bad moment. So, my dad hugged me and talked to me. And I told him how it really upsets me that I don't have a choice in what's going on right now, and he said simply that I do. I can choose to be happy and alive, and in good health, and living up to my standards...or I can choose to be upset, remain where I am, continue to underachieve in my pursuit of happiness. I think it's so much easier for men to turn off the "hurt", but I really appreciated it. It makes so much sense, right? Now I just have to put it in practice. Speaking of DADs...JC's dad called me out of nowhere today. He hasn't heard from JC in a while, and I guess he was worried so he called me to ask if I had seen him lately. So...it was up to me to have to tell him what was going on. I'm not sure if it's excuses he was giving ...

I'm going to leave this blog public for about another week to collect emails from people who still want to read. I need to do a major clean up of my life, and I don't want people reading this who shouldn't be.

We ended up staying at my parent's house for another night. I got really distressing news last night that JC actually used to date this girl...he never told me that when she started working at his job again. I found out that after he told me he WASN'T going to have a relationship with her, he went to a party at her house this past Sunday night. And I learned that he told some people that I called everyone from his job to tell them about this. Well, I called his boss' wife to come pick up he truck that JC is buying, hasn't paid for, wrecked, and is parked at my apartment!!! That's all. I have erased those crazy fuckers out of my life, too. I don't want anything to do with any of them. I don't want to know what JC's doing and not doing. I know him better anyway. I know that the only way he knows how to kill pain is to go drinking up to the point of blacking out every night. And once all this immediate "excitment" dies down...he's going to be ...

I've been staying at my parent's house, but it's kind of time for me to go home I guess. Really it's that Gabby wants to go home. And I do need to get some serious cleaning done before Jessica comes. I think if I can get down and dirty in all that grime it will somehow make me feel better, too. I can clean up all the physical mess that JC left me in as well as the emotional. But don't worry about me. I know that JC was supposed to fuck up this bad. It probably is the only way for me to finally see my worth. I have this whole new job starting on Monday, and I'm gonna guess that there's a pretty good reason why this would happen. I probably needed it. I wasn't strong enough to take the high road myself. And no it really doesn't make me feel better to put JC down, but I do know just how much better I AM than he is. How much more I deserve. I don't want to be poor for the rest of my life. I don't want to constantly have to be remindi...

And I've been right. He is doing this for all the same reasons he did last time. Running scared. Only this time he cheated on me with a not very special girl on top of everything else. He can't even answer basic questions. Underneath all his anger, and blocking everything out, and his own pain that he can't see past, he doesn't want to lose this relationship, but this is the only way he knows how to react when he's angry and hurt. I don't need that. I need a strong man. One who can stand up to normal everyday stresses. One who can take care of himself and of me and Gabby when we need it. What was I ever thinking to allow this little boy into my life, and believe that he could step up to the plate? I'm not sure it was even love. I've been questioning myself the whole time we've been back together on if I really do truly love him, or if it's only that I wanted to be loved and wanted. And I'm pretty sure that that's what it was/i...

What happened, indeed. I knew something was wrong. Before I knew anything was wrong with JC, I knew in my mind that things just weren't right. When we got back together everything was great. All that excitment, and the sparks, passion, etc. But every now and then these little doubts would come up. Doubts about whether the guy could go one day without a beer, doubts on if the guy had one ounce of ambition in his soul, doubts about whether he'd ever be able to hold an intelligent conversation with me, doubts about whether he was ever going to grow out of hanging out with alcoholic losers. And I ignored them all because I thought...I love him. And that's enough for both of us to make it work. I continued to believe in compromise, and I continued to believe that I could get intellectual stimulation from outside of my relationship, and I continued to believe that we were both stressed lately and the "spark" would come back. I guess that's why all my blogs ...

Yep...he really did, and then he had the nerve to actually go to Gabby's birthday celebration and sit there in fron tof my family and Gabby and act like nothing was going on. It was someone from work. So, needless to say we're not going to be together anymore. I am hurt, but mostly I'm in shock, and very, very, very angry. And a little part relieved. All the times I knew this wasn't going to work, or every doubt I had, or all the time I wasn't happy...Now I get to start a whole new life with my new job and my daughter.

SO...Guess what??? I GOT A JOB!!! Hurray for me!!! I rock! I'm the best! Etc, Etc, Etc. Yea, right...it's more like...it's about damn time!!! I'm super excited. I think it's something I really have a knack for...not necessarily what I thought I would do with my life, but it's a really great place to work...just ask my friend Josh...he works there, too...oh no!!! That could kill me!!! J/K, Joshy!!! So, my last day at my current job is next Friday. Everything else is super great as well. Gabby just turned 9 on Sunday. Can you believe it? She's at her dad's for the second half of the Spring Break week, and I took tomorrow and Friday off from work...so yay...big break for me!!! It's taking me since June, when I started seriously looking for a job, to get one...and I've been very frustrated and depressed with that, but today, as I was looking around the workplace that I've been for 8 years, I realized that it's probably a real...

A long time, I know. I've been busy. Give me a break! I had an interview yesterday that I'm very excited about. I'm really interested in the job, and I think the interview went well. Hope so. Keep your fingers crossed. Nothing else new at the moment. We took Gabby to see Bridge to Terabithia a couple of weekends ago. Oh! And can you believe it??? She'll be nine in a week and a half!!! I can't believe it myself. There's no way I can be the mother of a 9-year old! Maybe I can...I am turning 30 this year.

I'm kind of getting back into the groove of feeling like part of my own life again. Getting up at 5am isn't so hard anymore. I've been eating much better, although making it to the gym has been rough. Gabby only has 3 more tutoring sessions though, and then that won't be taking up too much of our time. I went and got my layers cut back into my hair, and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!! It's much shorter than usual, but it's all messy and crazy and I love that. I recently hooked up with a really old, really, really good friend from high school, and post high school on MySpace, Steve, and it's been really cool being able to talk to him again...even though my emails are few and far between because I STILL have not gotten my computer fixed, but ya know...I really haven't missed it that much. I'm here at my parent's house with the real intention of signing up for my stupid Defensive Driving class I have to take for that ticket I got. JC and I have been liste...

More specifically, let's talk about MY boobs. In fact, boobs isn't the right word for mine anymore. I think a whole new word needs to be invented for these globes that sit upon my chest. Now, some of you may think that I'm bragging, and may even get on my case because you don't have boobs, want them, and therefore are mad at me for having way more than my share, but...let me be the first to tell you that the "grass is always greener"! So, I've gained about 2 sizes in my clothes. Yea, I'm not happy about that, but that's a whole other blog, or just go read my other blog "My Diet Cliche". Did you go? Did you see how it's empty for any time period that's current? I think that says it all. Anyway...onto the boobs...I may have added 2 sizes to my clothes, but I swear my boobs are about 5 times the size that they were last year. Every time I put my bra on in the morning it's like trying to wrestle a two headed baby...make that a wet...

What a completely exhausting day!!! I went back to work today, which was good. Really, really good. I felt good about myself...productive. Not sleeping my life away. It was nice to be around a different group of people, too. But I am tired! Tired is not even the word. I had to get up at 5 this morning, and actually stay up! And, of course, because I haven't been going to bed until like 2am for the last few months, there was no way I was going to fall asleep before then last night. Hopefull tonight I'll be so exhausted I'll make it to bed by 10. I did actually get those rolls of film dropped off, but never made it back here to my parent's. And now that I am here on unexpected business, I don't have the CD's with me. Darn it! Josh has begging me and begging me to come see his whole new state of the art entertainment system that he bought with his Christmas bonus. So, Sunday, JC and I went over to check it out. Josh and JC ended up playing that damn P...

I'm running so late. I told JC I'd go sit at the bar and let him serve me an hour ago! Oops! 1. I'm going to drop my two rolls of film off today! I will! And I will then get both of those along with another one from the summer up and running on this blog by Sunday! I will!!! 2. Hear Ye, Hear Ye...all of you way too happy horn honkers! Knock it the hell off!!! The other day in the gas station, I was leaving, I pulled up to the exit, I barely had stopped for 2 seconds to even see if I could venture out...I was making a left turn after all...I HAD to look both ways. So, I'm so terribly sorry to the asshole who pulled up behind me, and honked his horn a couple of times at me the nanosecond that I pulled up! He really, really pissed me off. I'm so sorry, Mr., that you were taking a right hand turn and didn't need to look both ways! You freakin' jerk! I was so angry I started yelling and waving my arms wildly in my rearview mirror at him. He honked again!!! Can yo...

In case anyone has been watching the weather for the whole country...you will know that here in sunny San Antonio, we have been having some very out of the ordinary weather. We got iced in for the last two days. Not snowed in...It's all ice. Snow to the north, but all we got was freezing rain. I was cracking ice off my car with a wooden flip-flop keychain, seeing as how I don't own an ice chipper or whatever you call them, because this isn't usually a problem. Gabby got to have two ice days from school. I have spent the last almost 72 hours in my house, and I'm literally going crazy!!! I just had to get over to my mom's today so I could do something different for a change. The roads are much safter, but watch out for the ice flying off of cars! I'm not exaggerating at all when I say that a chunk of ice the size of a passenger side car window came hurling at me! It was kind of scary. Or the ice falling from the power lines...that's kind of scary, too. But, th...

Who knew that so much confidence and self-esteem could be held up in hair!? Who knew that even when you gain 60lbs and feel disgusting, that it would be your hair that was keeping you going and feeling like you had a little sex appeal left?! I hate my new haircut! I can't wait until it grows out! It's not even so much the length, it's that fact that all my layers are gone, and my hair is all one length now. I hate it, hate it, hate it. If I can get it together in the next few days, I'll post some pictures from Christmas and you'll see. You'll hate it, too! I feel 10 years older. Seriously. With all this weight I've added on, this haircut makes me feel like a serious soccer mom. With that...I'm off to an interview and then to the gym.

That's what I'm calling this year that I'm so happy is now gone. I feel great about this upcoming year. I woke up feeling really good, minus the hangover. JC and I went out last night and rang in the New Year together with a few friends. Last year, I wasn't feeling so great about the upcoming year, and I really should have listened to that instinct. I did however get a new car, which is one year old today. But, JC and I still weren't back together, I was addicted to Vicodin, and I was screwing up school after having to drop out the semester before. So, even after getting back with JC, and even thought I have had some amazing times this year, I would say that I spent most of the year crying. Being depressed, feeling sorry for myself, even though I had some really good things going for me. I was frustrated and annoyed, and just "over" all of it. I don't want to continue any of those things. I'll still be frustrated with finding a job for a litt...