Where is my "Grrrr"???

I'm in rare form tonight. I'm still stressed, still somewhat depressed, still crazy...but slowly this week, my goals have been coming back to me. Especially the whole getting n shape thing, which was such a big part of my life. When I first starting hanging out with Mi-Mi and the gang, I told her I wanted to be a personal trainer, which of course she thought was weird, especially since I met her because we're both geography majors. Her response shocked me though. She was actually mad. She was mad at the whole world that "tells people how they should be". I don't see it that way at all. I see it as this is the way I want to be, and if you're interested I will help you, too. But I think her words somehow stuck with me, and ever since I have been a non-gym going, eating everything in sight person. Tonight it was really hitting me. Actually it started the other night when I was complaining about my weight to JC, and he of course, told me that I'm beautiful inside and out and he loves me no matter what, but if I was going to keep complaining and blaming him, I better get my ass back in the gym. I asked him point blank if he could tell I've gained weight since I met him, and he said, very honestly, that yes, he could, but it didn't matter, I could gain 20 more pounds and he'd still love me and be attracted to me. But, ultimately it's what bothers me that matters. AND IT BOTHERS ME! ALOT! I just haven't felt the same since I stopped going to the gym. The confidence that I had gained has slipped away. When JC called me a few minutes ago and asked what I was doing, I said, "Laying here hating myself, wishing I was in shape, and feeling no sense of any kick assedness!" That right there is the point. I no longer feel powerful, strong, and like I kick ass. I've tried a lot of different things to boost my confidence in life, and I know it sounds crazy, but being able to do more push-ups than your boyfriend or husband makes me feel powerful, strong, and like I kick ass. So, I've got to seriously get it together and stop talking about it. It's just kind of a daunting feeling when you have to start from scratch. I don't have Aaron the Beast or Ray Ray the Savior (my old trainers) to keep me on track. I've got to get this one going for myself. And it does help that I have JC behind me pushing me, encouraging me, and supporting me in anything I want to do, but all that power and strength has to be found somewhere in my messed up mind. I ate perfectly today and I feel so much better, and I have a sense of accomplishment. I ordered all my gym supplements on Monday to help me feel better as well. I have had such an amazing last few months, and I've fallen in love with a wonderful man, but I've still felt like I was in a weird kind of self-depreciating slump, and I think it's because I gave up something that I loved. So, time to find it again...wish me luck!