Beyond My Current "Life"
This blog is probably going to sound very cliche and very trivial, or at best just the ramblings of a mad woman...We all work the nine to fiver, we all work and work and work to have more and more commodities...and I, I thought I was doing something different. I thought, "I'm not the same as all these fools." I am just following along working until I can get to the point where I CAN be different. I'm now of the thought that I was completely wrong. I'm not any different from you or you or you. I work my butt off trying to finish getting a degree cuz that's what everyone wants. I work my butt off trying to get a degree in something that I thought would get me somewhere "different". What I really do is work my butt off to do the same as everyone else: Get a degree and work my nine to fiver so that I can supposrt myself and my child and have more and more THINGS. Don't get me wrong - I do love those THINGS - but I want something more...Why is it not ok with people if you say you want to pick up yourself and your child and move to a desert or to some remote place and live without creature comforts. People always say, "Wow, that would be great!", but of course, that is always followed by the look that they think you don't see. The look that says, "You're absolutely nuts!" Why does my daughter have to grow up in the same institutions as I did. Did they make me a better person? Did they make you a better person? So, if I were to say to you and everyone I've ever known, "I want to join the PeaceCorp and make other people happy, which in turn I hope makes myself happy, which in turn would make my daughter happy." Would you give me "the look"? Would you tell me I'm just talking and dreaming...that I've seen one too many movies...LOL...? And the truth of the matter is...You're Right! I am just talking...and why?...because I'm too scared to do the things I dream of. Because I'm too scared to be different. Because I'm scared of not fitting in. Because I'm scared of not being comfortable. Because I'm scared of what my mommy might say. Because I'm scared if I don't have a plan and if I'm not "organized"...what?...there's no real reason behind that fear...it's just there. It's just something that has been loaded into my head like a CD-rom.
Social, religious, political, econimcal institutions...These are the very things we try to give to other people so that they will be "better off". But again I ask, "Did they make you or me a better person?" I want to help people, I don't want to be afraid, I want to be free of chains of obligation, I want to be free to roam...But, I can TALK about it, and I can COMPLAIN about it...but nothing ever gets changed or done, and in the end this phase will pass until something else brings me to the point where I almost - almost - dare to think that I will make my REAL dreams happen...when I will put aside the dreams that I have been taught to have...and again, the phase will pass. Because in the end fear wins out...it always does...stupid fears...fears that I'm a bad mother because my child might be reared in the "real world" with foreign children and real life values and adventures, fears that I might have to live without make-up and a bath, fear of bugs, fear of frogs, fear of lizards, and all creepy crawly things...we all know the real fear though...it's nothing but the fear of the unknown and not being accepted, and the fear of...failure. So, for now, I should probably find some way to be content with the life that I am currently living and not able to get away from...because I'm scared of people and of my own skin.
Vulnerability is a strange, strange thing. It keeps people from saying and doing a lot of things, and at other times it's just let go...in strange moments like tonight, when an event occurs that really, really makes you think. Bagels and coffee, pedicures and ex-boyfriend dramas, where to eat and what to do on a Saturday night, how much you drink and what you plan to do when you "grow up"...meaningless...but that is my life...for the moment anyways... ;)
This blog is probably going to sound very cliche and very trivial, or at best just the ramblings of a mad woman...We all work the nine to fiver, we all work and work and work to have more and more commodities...and I, I thought I was doing something different. I thought, "I'm not the same as all these fools." I am just following along working until I can get to the point where I CAN be different. I'm now of the thought that I was completely wrong. I'm not any different from you or you or you. I work my butt off trying to finish getting a degree cuz that's what everyone wants. I work my butt off trying to get a degree in something that I thought would get me somewhere "different". What I really do is work my butt off to do the same as everyone else: Get a degree and work my nine to fiver so that I can supposrt myself and my child and have more and more THINGS. Don't get me wrong - I do love those THINGS - but I want something more...Why is it not ok with people if you say you want to pick up yourself and your child and move to a desert or to some remote place and live without creature comforts. People always say, "Wow, that would be great!", but of course, that is always followed by the look that they think you don't see. The look that says, "You're absolutely nuts!" Why does my daughter have to grow up in the same institutions as I did. Did they make me a better person? Did they make you a better person? So, if I were to say to you and everyone I've ever known, "I want to join the PeaceCorp and make other people happy, which in turn I hope makes myself happy, which in turn would make my daughter happy." Would you give me "the look"? Would you tell me I'm just talking and dreaming...that I've seen one too many movies...LOL...? And the truth of the matter is...You're Right! I am just talking...and why?...because I'm too scared to do the things I dream of. Because I'm too scared to be different. Because I'm scared of not fitting in. Because I'm scared of not being comfortable. Because I'm scared of what my mommy might say. Because I'm scared if I don't have a plan and if I'm not "organized"...what?...there's no real reason behind that fear...it's just there. It's just something that has been loaded into my head like a CD-rom.
Social, religious, political, econimcal institutions...These are the very things we try to give to other people so that they will be "better off". But again I ask, "Did they make you or me a better person?" I want to help people, I don't want to be afraid, I want to be free of chains of obligation, I want to be free to roam...But, I can TALK about it, and I can COMPLAIN about it...but nothing ever gets changed or done, and in the end this phase will pass until something else brings me to the point where I almost - almost - dare to think that I will make my REAL dreams happen...when I will put aside the dreams that I have been taught to have...and again, the phase will pass. Because in the end fear wins out...it always does...stupid fears...fears that I'm a bad mother because my child might be reared in the "real world" with foreign children and real life values and adventures, fears that I might have to live without make-up and a bath, fear of bugs, fear of frogs, fear of lizards, and all creepy crawly things...we all know the real fear though...it's nothing but the fear of the unknown and not being accepted, and the fear of...failure. So, for now, I should probably find some way to be content with the life that I am currently living and not able to get away from...because I'm scared of people and of my own skin.
Vulnerability is a strange, strange thing. It keeps people from saying and doing a lot of things, and at other times it's just let go...in strange moments like tonight, when an event occurs that really, really makes you think. Bagels and coffee, pedicures and ex-boyfriend dramas, where to eat and what to do on a Saturday night, how much you drink and what you plan to do when you "grow up"...meaningless...but that is my life...for the moment anyways... ;)
Comments
I think the thing is...when we start to live each day conscisouly, and recognize that it is the little decisions we make each day that make us who we are, then that something special and different will find US. Having a degree, or working a job doesn't define who you are. Those things give you options. Those institutions that you went to & that your daughter will go to...don't make anyone into a good person, you either are or you aren't. Its not fear that is keeping you from living your dreams. The fact is you are living your dreams, you're just not aware that you're doing it. Every day and every decision are leading you closer to being something different. So, instead of just following along....live along, embrace along, accept each moment for what it is. When you reach a "crossroads" any fears you have will disappate becasue you will know what you want and that will lead you where you should be...even if its in the desert living with your daughter and no creature comforts!
I don't have all the answers, Elizabeth, lord knows these are probablly just the ramblings of an even madder woman, but I would do anything that you would not be sad. Just remember that Oprah didn't wake up one day and decide..."I'm going to be OPRAH." That's just a silly example, but I hope you see my point.
All my love.