And I've been right. He is doing this for all the same reasons he did last time. Running scared. Only this time he cheated on me with a not very special girl on top of everything else. He can't even answer basic questions. Underneath all his anger, and blocking everything out, and his own pain that he can't see past, he doesn't want to lose this relationship, but this is the only way he knows how to react when he's angry and hurt.
I don't need that. I need a strong man. One who can stand up to normal everyday stresses. One who can take care of himself and of me and Gabby when we need it. What was I ever thinking to allow this little boy into my life, and believe that he could step up to the plate? I'm not sure it was even love. I've been questioning myself the whole time we've been back together on if I really do truly love him, or if it's only that I wanted to be loved and wanted. And I'm pretty sure that that's what it was/is. By nature I just want to be loved. I just want to give all the love that I have. And I've really got to start making better choices on who I give that love to.
My really good friend Steve from high school, who I just recently found again, gave me some unique advice...and it was a little philisophical, so I know I won't get this right...but he said basically that to change this cycle, I need to not look for people to love me because of what I can give, but because I love myself, I am love, and I can give love. And I need to be able to send out a "beacon of confident love" in order to attract the kind of people that will be what I need. I probably got his meaning wrong, but there it is.
So many people have been there for me. I always feel like such a burden. Like I should be able to stand on my own two feet. But this time...this time I really need the help to stand up. And I am so grateful to have it from so many different places. I am loved, and I can't forget that. Just because one idiot...who I actually know DOES love me...isn't willing to give it.
I don't need that. I need a strong man. One who can stand up to normal everyday stresses. One who can take care of himself and of me and Gabby when we need it. What was I ever thinking to allow this little boy into my life, and believe that he could step up to the plate? I'm not sure it was even love. I've been questioning myself the whole time we've been back together on if I really do truly love him, or if it's only that I wanted to be loved and wanted. And I'm pretty sure that that's what it was/is. By nature I just want to be loved. I just want to give all the love that I have. And I've really got to start making better choices on who I give that love to.
My really good friend Steve from high school, who I just recently found again, gave me some unique advice...and it was a little philisophical, so I know I won't get this right...but he said basically that to change this cycle, I need to not look for people to love me because of what I can give, but because I love myself, I am love, and I can give love. And I need to be able to send out a "beacon of confident love" in order to attract the kind of people that will be what I need. I probably got his meaning wrong, but there it is.
So many people have been there for me. I always feel like such a burden. Like I should be able to stand on my own two feet. But this time...this time I really need the help to stand up. And I am so grateful to have it from so many different places. I am loved, and I can't forget that. Just because one idiot...who I actually know DOES love me...isn't willing to give it.
Comments
Enjoy your time with Jessica!!! Have fun, girls!