Dysfunction Suits Me

I've been writing so many more blogs over on my MySpace than I have here! But, they're very frivolous over there. I do a lot of surveys, and a lot of just silly things. But, it's harder here. Since I began this blog, almost 3 years ago, as a "journal" almost...it's hard for me to just throw something out there that isn't laced with "feeling"...but I just haven't had much of those lately. Feelings. I mean I have, but I've been really numb, too. Which may be a good thing for me. I probably need to feel numb for a little while after all the trauma.

I love pedicures. And would love to get them pretty often, but the truth is I only make it like once every 3 months or so. A month ago I took Andrea to get her first pedicure, and we decided to get wild and crazy. I got my first "design" on my big toe. A hiabiscus. I LOVED it! Then, yesterday, it was time for a new look. Andrea went for a very wintery theme...Christmas blue w/ a very nice snowflake. I decided to go for a "New Yearsy" look. Russian Navy, with a kind of twinkling star...well, the girls didn't get it. Andrea tried really hard to explain to them what I wanted, but in the end the lady just said, "You want snowflake?" And I gave in, and just said, "Yea, give me a fucking snowflake!" Well, without the cursing anyway. As she began I immediately knew it was an awful idea....she started by making a HUGE cross...and the more I watched her try to fill it in...the more my face crumpled...the more Andrea laughed at me....Anyway, I guess it...

I have felt unlike myself all day. I have had this nasty anxious feeling....and yes, I've taken my meds...and there's like this giant, deep well of sadness that wants to bubble out and over, but for some reason my mind it isn't letting that happen...and I don't know if that's a good thing...part of me thinks I need a "release", and the other part knows that possibly, if I let those emotions out, it would only hurt me more...better to avoid. That's what my brain always does best. I just don't know where this has come from. And I don't know what to do about it. And I do have a secret. A secret that if anyone knew...especially all those people who are really close to me, and love me...if they knew...they would be so disappointed in me...so angry with me...so sad for me....and to the point of being at the end of their ropes with me....and I don't want to disappoint. Ever. So, I will continue to keep my little secret....and if the only t...

This year Gabby was Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas! It was her best costume, yet! It didn't even look like her. I didn't dress up this year. Except at work...but all I had to put on was a pair of nerdy glasses and a lab coat.

I don't know what's going on with me, but I've been kind of anti-computer lately. I haven't wanted to take the time to just sit down, and blog about even the most trivial of things. But I realize, I can't just throw the thing out there about JC's pregnant girlfriend without an explaination to all of you who have been faithful readers, and are now a part of my life. I've actually known since pretty much right after we broke up that the girl he cheated on me with was pregnant. He told me. But, I just didn't want it to be something that consumed my thoughts, or my life. It's his screw up. He's the one who got caught, has to live a lifestyle he didn't want, got trapped into a situation, and is pretty much miserable. His daughter was actually born this weekend. Premature. Only 4lbs because that girl didn't want to take care of herself and gain any weight. But I don't wish anything bad on that baby or on JC...hmmm...just maybe on ...

Unless you have access to Keelee's blog, you can't see her pictures, but Jess sent me hers, and I will be getting them, and a blog up really soon. Maybe tonight. But you can see the pictures on my MySpace page. There's a link on the sidebar. What a drama filled week I have had! Just stuff at work, and then I ran into Andy (aka Mr. Incredible) while having lunch with Joshy...and then yesterday I went to get my nails done with my sister, and low and behold...there was JC's pregnant girlfriend getting a pedicure. I could have killed her, but I think I kept my composure pretty well...and there was no way I was leaving! I needed fills badly! It was my sister who announced publically that she refused to sit next to her. A little embarassing, but I'm really glad my sis stuck up for me...and so did the little Asian lady. My sister apologized and said, "I'm sorry, but that girl slept with my sister's boyfriend, and that's how she got knocked up....

I just haven't felt like blogging when I get home from work. I spend all day on the computer, and don't want to go near it when at home. But, I will...blog about Colorado, and definitely put up the pics once we get all of them from the 3 digital cameras. But for now, you can go to Jess' blog (Mrs. Jones on my sidebar), to hear read about our fun, or to Keelee's (Dipadova's Daily Dose on my sidebar) to see some pics.

What a perfectly glorious morning to wake up to on the day I fly out to Colorado Springs for my mini-vacation! I know right about the time I'm getting to the airport it will probably be 100 degrees again, but for right now it's cool, breezy, brisk, crisp, and fresh out there. Almost seems like a send off from this beautiful city that I love! I'm getting ready to pack. What to pack? I have no clue! Tonight in Denver/Colorado Springs? Forty-four for the low. Tomorrow? 72! Not so bad, but that's the day we go up the mountain, so it might get colder. And then on Sunday? The high is a whopping 43!!! How the hell do you pack for that crazy weather??? I'm from TEXAS!!! Layers. It's all about the layers. Which means taking my biggest suitcase. Jess thought she and E could get away with just a carry-on! Hahahahahahahaha! I think she's changed her mind.

No, just kidding. I don't have a lot to say about YOU, Jess, silly! I can't even remember all that I wanted to say yesterday! Right now I'm just stallling because I don't have that much to do at work, today. 1. I have the most adorable kittens EVER! But, just like Gabby, they are growing so fast! I used to be able to hold them with just one hand, but not anymore. They have some very strange habits that one day, when I don't feel embarassed by it (like it's my fault), I will write a post about. 2. Last weekend I kind of buried the hatchet with my friend Andrea. I never blogged about it, but we had a falling out sometime after Jess' wedding last year. I'm happy she's back in my life. 3. I don't want men in my life anymore. Friends or otherwise. At least not right now. I need more women in my life. Unfortunately they're actually hard to come by. 4. I got a pedicure yesterday. I love pedicures! It's not eventhat your toena...

This week has been crazy busy! I'm leaving on Friday for my mini-vacation in Colorado. I hope I can get back here before then. I have a few things I would like to say!

Until I'm in Colorado Springs with Jess, Eric, Keelee, and Lou! I'm super excited. I even bought waterproof hiking boots to climb a mountain! So, any of you that are my friends here in SA better start hiking with me...I'm not using these things for just one trip! Or...we'll have to take another mountain trip!

Yesterday at Pier 1, I bought this really cool, iron wall hanging that I just had to have, and it was only $10. I went and returned a shirt I had bought a couple of weeks ago just so I could get it. It's this long wrought iron thing that holds pictures. You know like those picture holders that are just clips? It has all these little circle things down each side so you can just stick pictures in it. Man, I'm doing a horrible job at explaining this! Anyway, I put it up, and picked out all the pictures I wanted to put on it, but I just don't like the place I hung it up. I put it out in the living room, but my walls are already kind of crowded...I'm thinking I need to move it to my room. I don't know...just talking it out...

When I ate bagels every morning, I would get Light Plain Cream Cheese...because it was better for me. And they used to pile my bagel a mile high with cream cheese...which would then get very messy when I would have to remove it! Now that I only have bagels every now and then, I splurge and get the Honey Walnut Cream Cheese...and what do you think those people do to me every single time! They give me like a tiny droplet of cream cheese! This is the stuff I want piled high! It ruins my whole bagel experience.

Gabby: You took the kitties to the vet today? Me: Yep. Gabby: What do they do to them? Me: They just check them out. They do the same stuff to them that the doctor does to you when you go for a check-up. Gabby: Like take their temperature and stuff? Me: Yep. Do you know how they check their temperature? It makes them mad. Gabby: No, how? Me: They put the thermometers in their butts. Gabby: They do what!? That's crazy! Me: It's the same way they take a baby's temperature. Gabby: They did that to me!!?? Me: Yes, of course. (Not really...they had the "ear thermometer" by then) Gabby: *blinks in disbelief*...I'M SUING!

It's been a long week! And I haven't really been able to do any unpacking because Gabby and I have had so many other appointments and errands and such this week. Yesterday I took the kitties to the vet. They need this liquid medication that I have to give them in a syringe. I knew they would fight me, but I was not prepared for how strong they are! I have scratches EVERYWHERE! And they were pissed to say the least. Apache hated it the most. He tore me up with his flesh tearing claws...and then he sat on the floor with a sad little face...bubbles of medicine dripping from his lip...he wouldn't even lick it off...he just kept smacking his mouth and making MORE bubbles and foam! We love those little kittens, but they have decided that wrestling with each other in my bed at 1 am is their favorite past time! At which point I grab a kitty...whichever I can find...both would be best...throw them out my door, and close the door...at which point they scratch and cry...I sl...

My "heart" isn't really in my new apartment yet. It's still mourning all the old memories from the old apartment. But, I do love it. I really love it! It's so much bigger, and I have brand new carpet. The move was hard. My washing machine and computer desk both fell apart when we tried to move them. So...I got new ones! YAY! I couldn't believe I had collected as much crap as I had in 10 years! But I got rid of everything that hadn't been seen or touched in quite a while. I don't even remember the final total on the number of trash bags that went to trash or Goodwill. Everything is all clean now! And not smokey! Except for my closet. The smoke is embeded into my clothing! So, I'm doing one or two loads of laundry every night, and hopefully it will disappear! Gabby likes it, but I think she's a little stressed. Her room is further away from mine, and she grew up in our old apartment from birth. And, we won't have cable until ...

...blogging to you in the early hours of the morning. Drinking coffee. Smoking. I haven't been able to do this in almost a year. This used to be my favorite part of the day. I'd write a blog, and then sit here reading blogs all morning before a nap. Well, there will be no napping today. I have to move. I don't know why I'm procrastinating so much. Ok, moving sucks. But I'm a little sad to let this apartment go, too. There are so many good memories here. Lots of bad ones, too. Here recently everything in here reminds me of JC, and I just want it all gone!!! And there were plenty of fights and bad memories from when Gabby's dad lived here, too. But this is also the place where I first brought Gabby home from the hospital. It has been our home for almost 10 years! I moved in one week before Gabby was born. We actually moved in on my due date. And here in this apartment is where she grew up...where her dad and I laughed with her and played with he...

I AM the world's biggest slacker. I'M MOVING TOMORROW!!! AND I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING!