15 - I met Gabby's dad. I was 15-years old, extremely emotional, my head was half shaved, I wore Doc Marten's everyday, I pouted all the time, dripped mascara all over Jessica's shirts, fought with my mom non-stop, and picked this man because he was weird different, and I knew my parent's would hate him (of course I didn't consciously think that then). I was with Gabby's dad for almost 8 years. It was 8 long years of torture. And I can explain why I started seeing him in the first place, but I can't explain why I stayed with him for so long, or why I had a child with him so late into our relationship. I mean that I actually chose to have a child with him after we had been together for 6 years, and I knew that he was what he was . . . still is. Being with somone between the ages of 15 and 22 affected who I am today much more than I want. He still has this angering power and control over my emotions . . . not in an "I'm missing him" way, but in a very frustrating and infuriating way. I leave his house every time I drop Gabby off with a lump in my throat, and wanting to cry my eyes out, and I can't explain it. Today I've been thinking that I probably still have a whole lot of anger pent up about our whole relationship still, and the "relationship" that we continue to have because of Gabby. I will never know what I could've been, should've been, would've been if I had never met him and let him tear my confidence and self-esteem down into the negative numbers.
22- I left Gabby's dad and started to date his best friend. At 22 I was a newly single mom with a 2 year old, I had no way to support myself, I hardly had any good friends left, I was the largest I have ever been, I had cheated on Gabby's dad with his best friend, and jumped right into a relationship with him, I was confused and scared, and actually wanted to experience what being single really was. But, I got myself trapped into this relationship with a man who was as nice as could be to me . . . or so I thought. He turned out to be extremely vengeful, possesive, jealous, and obsessive. He actually caused me more nightmares than Gabby's dad ever had, even though he wasn't physically harmful. That 15-year old still hadn't had a chance to breath though, and I stayed in that "relationship" for nearly 5 years.
26, 27 - I left Gabby's dad's best friend for good. At 26, 27 I was truly experiencing being single for the first time, I was in school, I had lost a lot of weight, I only had 2 really good friends, which made me really lonely sometimes (irrational, I know), I didn't think that people cared about me at all, and my self-esteem was still much lower than it should be, but I was much better than I was at 22. I dated a couple of people, and pretty much decided that having no emotions was a much better way to live. I decided that if I was ever going to date someone or get married it would be for money and security and stability, and I would throw passion and love out the window. I became obsessed with the AOC, probably thinking that that's what I would get from him . . . companionship and security.
almost 28 - I met J.C. (Obi-Wan). At 28 I am still a struggling single mom, but I'm almost done with school, which is something I thought I would never accomplish, my self-esteem is in a much better place, I was still lonely, and J.C. came along and changed everything. I have never been this happy. I have more confidence than I have ever had. And I think I have finally stopped finding the kind of men that I have in the past. I have such a hard time believing that J.C. actually loves me, finds me attractive, and wants me, but I think it's really time that I just let it go. It's not fair for me to bring all this crap from past relationships into this one. We do have "problems" . . . he's not really financially secure, and we have really different lifestyles, but I really believe that this could work out. I want it to work out. I think I'm finally in a place where it's time for that weird, depressed 15-year old kid to go away, and be okay with things from the past . . . to just let it go. Maybe that has to do with me finally being single for the last year after being in some kind of relationship for nearly 11 years of my life. I also have some really really great friends right now. People that I really feel secure and cared for with. It's such a great feeling. And so, I'm wondering why I have been in tears for the last few days . . . and so does J.C. I think I've been freaking him out a little bit, but I have so much "stuff" built up inside, and I think that I'm in such a good place right now, that all the shit is finally coming out . . . it's like some kind of cleansing . . . I just feel so "crazy" right now. I'm so ecstatically happy, and really really sad at the same time. Growing up and moving on is the place I need to continue with, and not because it's the "right" thing to do, but because I truly am willing to let it all go, and not live in tragedy for the rest of my life. I know that this whole J.C. thing is so new and out of the blue, and so completely different that it makes me seem like a different person to some people that have known me for a really long time, but for me it just feels like I'm finally able to just be myself. It just feels right. And I was so wrong a year ago. Security and stability are really important thigs in a relationship, but so is love. I might actually really believe that now. And I may not ever be financial secure with J.C., but the security and stability and love that I get makes up for all of that.
22- I left Gabby's dad and started to date his best friend. At 22 I was a newly single mom with a 2 year old, I had no way to support myself, I hardly had any good friends left, I was the largest I have ever been, I had cheated on Gabby's dad with his best friend, and jumped right into a relationship with him, I was confused and scared, and actually wanted to experience what being single really was. But, I got myself trapped into this relationship with a man who was as nice as could be to me . . . or so I thought. He turned out to be extremely vengeful, possesive, jealous, and obsessive. He actually caused me more nightmares than Gabby's dad ever had, even though he wasn't physically harmful. That 15-year old still hadn't had a chance to breath though, and I stayed in that "relationship" for nearly 5 years.
26, 27 - I left Gabby's dad's best friend for good. At 26, 27 I was truly experiencing being single for the first time, I was in school, I had lost a lot of weight, I only had 2 really good friends, which made me really lonely sometimes (irrational, I know), I didn't think that people cared about me at all, and my self-esteem was still much lower than it should be, but I was much better than I was at 22. I dated a couple of people, and pretty much decided that having no emotions was a much better way to live. I decided that if I was ever going to date someone or get married it would be for money and security and stability, and I would throw passion and love out the window. I became obsessed with the AOC, probably thinking that that's what I would get from him . . . companionship and security.
almost 28 - I met J.C. (Obi-Wan). At 28 I am still a struggling single mom, but I'm almost done with school, which is something I thought I would never accomplish, my self-esteem is in a much better place, I was still lonely, and J.C. came along and changed everything. I have never been this happy. I have more confidence than I have ever had. And I think I have finally stopped finding the kind of men that I have in the past. I have such a hard time believing that J.C. actually loves me, finds me attractive, and wants me, but I think it's really time that I just let it go. It's not fair for me to bring all this crap from past relationships into this one. We do have "problems" . . . he's not really financially secure, and we have really different lifestyles, but I really believe that this could work out. I want it to work out. I think I'm finally in a place where it's time for that weird, depressed 15-year old kid to go away, and be okay with things from the past . . . to just let it go. Maybe that has to do with me finally being single for the last year after being in some kind of relationship for nearly 11 years of my life. I also have some really really great friends right now. People that I really feel secure and cared for with. It's such a great feeling. And so, I'm wondering why I have been in tears for the last few days . . . and so does J.C. I think I've been freaking him out a little bit, but I have so much "stuff" built up inside, and I think that I'm in such a good place right now, that all the shit is finally coming out . . . it's like some kind of cleansing . . . I just feel so "crazy" right now. I'm so ecstatically happy, and really really sad at the same time. Growing up and moving on is the place I need to continue with, and not because it's the "right" thing to do, but because I truly am willing to let it all go, and not live in tragedy for the rest of my life. I know that this whole J.C. thing is so new and out of the blue, and so completely different that it makes me seem like a different person to some people that have known me for a really long time, but for me it just feels like I'm finally able to just be myself. It just feels right. And I was so wrong a year ago. Security and stability are really important thigs in a relationship, but so is love. I might actually really believe that now. And I may not ever be financial secure with J.C., but the security and stability and love that I get makes up for all of that.
Comments
What ever became of mr bestfriend?
If you are ok in being loved by this man and he accepts your dughter, then there is no stoping you from being happy. Except I think he might have a little more parting to get out of his system. I have enjoyed reading about you and your most inner thoughts. I have grown to learn so much about you. Indeed you are just a woman who want to be loved and return the love back. Congrats on a new begining for both of you.
Benedire a tu Signorina Bella.
Il boun Amico