Today is the 3rd day I have taken Focalin for ADHD. Since stimulants do not build up on your body like anti-depressants, they pretty much start working right away and only last for 6-8 hours. Thursday I felt like I could tell the difference. And since I'm taking the extended release, I was really sure I could feel when the second release hit me. But, then came Friday.
I stopped by P-Dub's office and was almost instantly irritate. But, I had already been in a funk all day. The weird thing is that my anxiety level, frustration, and...that stupid red-headed temper of mine didn't flare up really bad. It was like I could tell I was feeling all that stuff, and then it would kind of disapate. But, I came home and vented and cried for half an hour to P-Dub. Mostly about being frustrated with my life. And, then it went away.
Last night I could tell it had definitely worn off though because I was hyper as shit. I used to think of myself as just being anxious all the time, but now I can see that it is a form of hyperactivity.
So, had a bad day yesterday, But I think it was a good thing. There are definitely a lot of things I want to change in my life. Well, not really change. I just need to not be so content with "just making it". I need to get organized. I need to get motivated. And, yes, after only 3 days, I think I can tell that this medication might do wonders. I'm going to call my doc though and see if they can adjust the strength a little bit. I don't think it's completely strong enough, and I think I might also have to overlap when I take them.
The bad thing is that I'm pretty ok at work. Working, being organized, etc. It's out of work that I'm a wreck. So, taking this medication and it only lasting for 8 hours or so isn't really helping when I need it to. I need to be able to organize my home, and my outside work life, and spend more time with Gabby, connect better with loved ones, go to the gym, etc. I know, most of you probably think that all has to do with willpower and that I'm just lazy...the same way I've thought my whole life. But after doing extensive research on this disorder...it all makes sense.
Part of my breaking down yesterday had to do with me being a little angry and a little sad at how much easier my life could have been if I had known this sooner.
So much makes more sense:
1. Doing simple things that everyone has to do...cleaning, working out, enjoying things...I don't know what else. I have not been capable to do these things. Everything seems like a chore. And everything is completely overwhelming. When I have to clean I don't think about things one at a time. Or just doing little things. Or just going down a list and checking things off. I see everything all at once and it seems like a project that will last for days. And I think of one million and one more things that have to be done. And then I say, "Fuck it", avoid it, and feel bad about myself for being lazy. Hopefully the medication will help. and then I need to work on behavior modification of doing smaller tasks, and basically just learning to be more organized and take things in smaller chunks.
2. Hyperfocus. I love this. It is finally the answer for why I can get sucked into things for hours. Attention deficit doesn't really mean that. It means more like you can't control what you pay attention to. So, when I'm interested in something, or I get super involved in something, it completely takes over. Like when I clean, and start on thing, it takes over, and I'll be cleaning out my closet and get sucked in to looking at old pictures or doing some task that I don't need to be doing...for HOURS!!! Or I'll get stuck on the computer blogging or redoing my MySpace page for HOURS...and then I'll forget I'm supposed to meet someone...or put Gabby to bed...or whatever else.
3. Super sensitivity. This is why I wanted to kill my sister when I could hear her chewing her cereal every morning when we were little. I still want to punch people in the face when I hear them chewing. I can't be in the car with someone else AND have the radio playing if we're talking. I can't even be in intimate moments with any other noise on in the room.
4. Super sensitivity to being touched. I just thought I was a weirdo. Sometimes I just do not want people to touch me AT ALL! I get so irritated and upset and this has caused lots of problems and arguments in my relationships.
5. And then there's the usual, can't pay attention, can't focus, can't listen, change the subject on people A LOT! I really just thought I was scatterbrained and that there was something wrong with me. Things that I tried really hard all my life to make up for. A lot of people can't even tell I'm not paying attention to them because I've gotten so good at hiding it.
6. The men I've picked in my life...or the weird, crazy, sometimes dangerous decisions I've made also are caused by my need to have things that stimulate me. I don't pick bad boys because I like them. I pick them because they stimulate me. And I get very bored, very quickly.
I could go on and on. It's just amazing to me how much more makes sense. And in a way it's a really good feeling. But, also like I said, it makes me a little mad and depressed. But, I have to just keep looking forward and not backward I guess. And basically, with the help of medication, I can teach myself different behaviors to for all of this.
But, at the same time that I'm trying to be more "normal", it would be nice if other people would be a little more accomodating as well. I've looked up a lot of articles on ADHD and relationships. And of course I sent them to P-Dub. I absolutely don't want to make excuses for myself...and if I wasn't trying at all, I wouldn't expect someone else to make execptions, but I think it's really important in all my relationships, if the other person understand how to deal and cope with me as much as I'm trying to deal and cope in the "real world".
Like, this was some advice in one article I read to the NON-ADHD person in the relationship (about how to deal with time management)...
"Davises
And, I'm taking the advice in another article about having a social life and friends. Because this is actually a huge problem for me. And I know that I'm not always as good of a friend as other people are, but it's not because I don't care.
I've struggled and been depressed and bored for so long without knowing why and this seems like a life changing thing for me. To finally have answers why I feel so weird, crazy, and stupid...is an amazing feeling. But, now comes the hard part...the hard work of knowing something and doing something about it. Because really I don't want to struggle anymore. I want to write nice happy blogs.
Oh, and I have been paying close attention to my moods since this diagnososis, and I've figured out that, while yes, I have definitely had panic attacks, I don't actually have them as often as I thought. Most of the time, when I've thought I was having one, or thought I was just so super anxious I would die...it's not that at all. It always happens when I'm really, really bored, but don't know that. I'm not anxious...I'm just bored and ancy, and need something else to do or occupy my time.
I know...I might be going overboard with this, but it's really important for me to get a better grasp on myself. I will be 32 this month, and I don't want to live another 30 years like this. And I don't want Gabby to have to live with a mom who's like this...and I don't want P-Dub to eventually leave because I'm not growing or at least trying to better myself. And wouldn't it be nice if I could just simply be pretty much "happy" or content most of the time...instead of needing something like shopping or a boyfriend...or a drink...to make me happy for minute.
I stopped by P-Dub's office and was almost instantly irritate. But, I had already been in a funk all day. The weird thing is that my anxiety level, frustration, and...that stupid red-headed temper of mine didn't flare up really bad. It was like I could tell I was feeling all that stuff, and then it would kind of disapate. But, I came home and vented and cried for half an hour to P-Dub. Mostly about being frustrated with my life. And, then it went away.
Last night I could tell it had definitely worn off though because I was hyper as shit. I used to think of myself as just being anxious all the time, but now I can see that it is a form of hyperactivity.
So, had a bad day yesterday, But I think it was a good thing. There are definitely a lot of things I want to change in my life. Well, not really change. I just need to not be so content with "just making it". I need to get organized. I need to get motivated. And, yes, after only 3 days, I think I can tell that this medication might do wonders. I'm going to call my doc though and see if they can adjust the strength a little bit. I don't think it's completely strong enough, and I think I might also have to overlap when I take them.
The bad thing is that I'm pretty ok at work. Working, being organized, etc. It's out of work that I'm a wreck. So, taking this medication and it only lasting for 8 hours or so isn't really helping when I need it to. I need to be able to organize my home, and my outside work life, and spend more time with Gabby, connect better with loved ones, go to the gym, etc. I know, most of you probably think that all has to do with willpower and that I'm just lazy...the same way I've thought my whole life. But after doing extensive research on this disorder...it all makes sense.
Part of my breaking down yesterday had to do with me being a little angry and a little sad at how much easier my life could have been if I had known this sooner.
So much makes more sense:
1. Doing simple things that everyone has to do...cleaning, working out, enjoying things...I don't know what else. I have not been capable to do these things. Everything seems like a chore. And everything is completely overwhelming. When I have to clean I don't think about things one at a time. Or just doing little things. Or just going down a list and checking things off. I see everything all at once and it seems like a project that will last for days. And I think of one million and one more things that have to be done. And then I say, "Fuck it", avoid it, and feel bad about myself for being lazy. Hopefully the medication will help. and then I need to work on behavior modification of doing smaller tasks, and basically just learning to be more organized and take things in smaller chunks.
2. Hyperfocus. I love this. It is finally the answer for why I can get sucked into things for hours. Attention deficit doesn't really mean that. It means more like you can't control what you pay attention to. So, when I'm interested in something, or I get super involved in something, it completely takes over. Like when I clean, and start on thing, it takes over, and I'll be cleaning out my closet and get sucked in to looking at old pictures or doing some task that I don't need to be doing...for HOURS!!! Or I'll get stuck on the computer blogging or redoing my MySpace page for HOURS...and then I'll forget I'm supposed to meet someone...or put Gabby to bed...or whatever else.
3. Super sensitivity. This is why I wanted to kill my sister when I could hear her chewing her cereal every morning when we were little. I still want to punch people in the face when I hear them chewing. I can't be in the car with someone else AND have the radio playing if we're talking. I can't even be in intimate moments with any other noise on in the room.
4. Super sensitivity to being touched. I just thought I was a weirdo. Sometimes I just do not want people to touch me AT ALL! I get so irritated and upset and this has caused lots of problems and arguments in my relationships.
5. And then there's the usual, can't pay attention, can't focus, can't listen, change the subject on people A LOT! I really just thought I was scatterbrained and that there was something wrong with me. Things that I tried really hard all my life to make up for. A lot of people can't even tell I'm not paying attention to them because I've gotten so good at hiding it.
6. The men I've picked in my life...or the weird, crazy, sometimes dangerous decisions I've made also are caused by my need to have things that stimulate me. I don't pick bad boys because I like them. I pick them because they stimulate me. And I get very bored, very quickly.
I could go on and on. It's just amazing to me how much more makes sense. And in a way it's a really good feeling. But, also like I said, it makes me a little mad and depressed. But, I have to just keep looking forward and not backward I guess. And basically, with the help of medication, I can teach myself different behaviors to for all of this.
But, at the same time that I'm trying to be more "normal", it would be nice if other people would be a little more accomodating as well. I've looked up a lot of articles on ADHD and relationships. And of course I sent them to P-Dub. I absolutely don't want to make excuses for myself...and if I wasn't trying at all, I wouldn't expect someone else to make execptions, but I think it's really important in all my relationships, if the other person understand how to deal and cope with me as much as I'm trying to deal and cope in the "real world".
Like, this was some advice in one article I read to the NON-ADHD person in the relationship (about how to deal with time management)...
"
And, I'm taking the advice in another article about having a social life and friends. Because this is actually a huge problem for me. And I know that I'm not always as good of a friend as other people are, but it's not because I don't care.
"Adults with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) could sometimes use a little help making and keeping friends.
Managing the stress of life with ADHD - helping a child study for a test, organizing a week's worth of meals, making sure medication is taken -- often take precedence over a social life. Plus it's a lot of work to make certain you don't accidentally say or do something offensive, forget to send a thank you card, or lose concentration during a conversation."
I've struggled and been depressed and bored for so long without knowing why and this seems like a life changing thing for me. To finally have answers why I feel so weird, crazy, and stupid...is an amazing feeling. But, now comes the hard part...the hard work of knowing something and doing something about it. Because really I don't want to struggle anymore. I want to write nice happy blogs.
Oh, and I have been paying close attention to my moods since this diagnososis, and I've figured out that, while yes, I have definitely had panic attacks, I don't actually have them as often as I thought. Most of the time, when I've thought I was having one, or thought I was just so super anxious I would die...it's not that at all. It always happens when I'm really, really bored, but don't know that. I'm not anxious...I'm just bored and ancy, and need something else to do or occupy my time.
I know...I might be going overboard with this, but it's really important for me to get a better grasp on myself. I will be 32 this month, and I don't want to live another 30 years like this. And I don't want Gabby to have to live with a mom who's like this...and I don't want P-Dub to eventually leave because I'm not growing or at least trying to better myself. And wouldn't it be nice if I could just simply be pretty much "happy" or content most of the time...instead of needing something like shopping or a boyfriend...or a drink...to make me happy for minute.
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