Please don't judge me ~ It's been a while since my apartment has had a really good cleaning. My kitchen and living room get cleaned a lot more often than the rest of my apartment. I'm stalling because I'm really embarrassed to admit this, but...my bedroom...has not been cleaned since November when I was in my "Sick Period", and I went to stay at my mom's house for a weekend and my poor sister came and cleaned my entire apartment and my mom did my laundry. It's been a really long time. I change and wash my sheets once a week, but as far as dusting, vacuuming, etc. goes...well, there hasn't been a whole lot of that going on. In fact, in the last couple of months there hasn't been a whole lot of that going on for the whole place. I feel like one of those ladies on Oprah or something with the really messy house and all they have to say for themselves is, "I don't know how it happened. I just ended up here." (HOWEVER!...It's not as bad as those places yo see on TV. You can actually walk through my apartment...you might trip over a shoe here or there, but you can walk.) So, yesterday, I don't know what posessed me, but I put my sheets in the washing machine, and started to pick up one thing...then another...then another...until 4 hours later my bedroom was completely spotless...IS completely spotless...You have no idea what a release this is. You have no idea the weight lifted off of my shoulders. In this room I can feel the change in energy, and I know if I get busy and take care of the rest of my apartment...there might be great things in store for my demeanor. I've never ever been a "neat" person...I'm a pack rat, and I have a lot of clutter, and "mess", but I would say that that's a lot different from being a "dirty" person, which I never was before this past year. I don't know what happened, but it's time to start doing things my way, and get things under control...
"I gotta do it my way..." ~ I haven't been doing things my way. I can have a very bossy, outgoing personality when I'm around people who are really "meek", but unfortunately when I get around people who's personalities exceed mine, I become meek. I don't act according to my own guidelines and rules. And that causes me to be a less productive, unhappy person. So, I need to do things my way a lot more. I'm not unwilling to compromise, but if I want to stay home and not go out...I gotta do it. If I want to go someplace different fromthe consensus of the crowd...I will. My sister has always complimented me on going against the grain and just being my own person, but I've lost that somehow, and I've become much more of a follower. It's been a gradual thing, and I don't like it. I'm bustin' out...If I don't start to get control of my life in my own way, then this depressional funk I've been in will just continue...I will not move forward...
Moving Forward ~ I need a job QUICK! I don't know what I want to do...I know I don't have to do something for the rest of my life, but I need to find a direction. I've been looking and applying for all kinds of administrative assistant jobs, and I can't take it anymore. What the hell was all the hard work I put into my degree and the minor I didn't get if only to work behind a desk 9-5. So, yesterday I got a tip...Well, first my good friend Carla said she was going to help me out and look over my resume. She's a much better fibber than I am. Then, JC gave me some good news. His dad knows about this job that sounds really interesting. AND...he can get me an interview. Of course, getting the job will be up to me, but at least he'll help me get my foot in the door...The father/son conversations that JC and his dad have are just awesome, and this time it's helping me out too...
Golfing Conversations ~ JC and his dad always have these conversations on the golf course. Yesterday JC was scheduled to play golf with his dad. He came by here first, and then we both were going to HEB (grocery store), so I was following JC, and literally, at the first stop light after turning out of my apartment...um...the light was red, so I started to slow down. I knew that I was coming to a stop, I thought JC was going to, too. But I was doing something else...I don't know...lighting a cigarette or something...Turns out JC was doing something else, too, because I looked up just in time to see him run the red light and crash right into the back of this lady's SUV. It was so unbelievable. I just kept thinking, "What the hell is going on? Why didn't he stop?" Well, when I had to call his dad to tell him that JC was going to be late, his dad told me why, "That boy has the worst ADD I've ever encountered." Yes he does...but that's not good when you're driving. He just barely got this truck like two months ago. He doesn't seem to think the damage is all that bad...but it is...it looks horrible...and he no longer even has a piece of his headlight left...Poor thing though. He was so upset. We were both extremely shook up, and right after I dropped him off at his dad's house I started having this horrible sharp pain in the back of my head every 10 seconds (yes, I counted). I probably tensed up just as much as he did. This pain has been continuing this morning...
GO AWAY Shoulder/Neck/Head Pain!!! (Boobs) ~ I know that a lot of this pain that I feel every second of everyday that I try to ignore is partially caused by my job when I'm working. Another part is my posture. Another part is that I don't do my physical therapy that I'm supposed to. Another problem is that I've gained weight and my boobs are one size bigger again...and the pressure from my bra strap kills me. The weight of these suckers brings me down, literally drags my upper body into a slumping postition. It's killing me. The grass is always greener...that's what I always tell smaller breasted women who tell me they're jealous of the size of mine. You don't want this! I have permanent indentions in my shoulders from my bra straps. I have tremendous pain across the middle of my back. I have horrible headaches from the strain my bra puts on my neck from trying to hold these things up! Plus other things...like being 12 and being almost the same size I am now...Do you know what it's like going through high school when you have a larger chest than some porn stars? If you don't, it's not fun. You get lots of looks, you get people thinking they can just walk past you in a crowded hallway and reach out and grab them. It doesn't matter how much weight I lose, my shirt size still stays the same. And the fact that they are real, large, and I've had a kid...oh, and I'm not gettin' any younger makes them extremely unruly. I hate having old lady boobs especially when my boyfriend is as young as he is...So...I've been saying forever that I want a breast reduction. And now I'm going to do it. I have a consultation at the end of August, and then about 4 to 6 weeks later, these things will be smaller, and a hell of a lot less unruly. I don't want boobs that "flail"...
Flailing ~ JC and I were hanging out last weekend. We were just lying around. I was wearing just a pair of pajama bottoms and nothing else (my favorite home attire when Gabby's not home). I like my pajama bottoms to be at least one, maybe two sizes too big for me. So, I jump up from the bed and headed towards the bathroom...kind of in a hurry, and somehow my foot got caught in the other legs too long pant leg. It was all very slow motion...I think I didn't think that I was going to actually fall. I mean who trips and falls at 29? But I did. I didn't even try to catch myself. I fell and landed on my side...the side that my foot was all tangled up in. I turn to look at JC lying on the bed...But his lying had turned to rolling. Of course, he couldn't stop laughing. I was laughing and crying...I kind of hurt myself. So, JC decided to recap for me, "OMG...all I saw was you stumble forward with your arms waving wildly above your head and your boobies flailing about from side to side!!!" I begged him not to tell anyone, but he said it was just too funny to keep that a secret, so here I am blogging about my unruly mass of fatty tissue...
I need to call the tailor today ~ My bridesmaid dress came in the mail a week ago, and I've got to go get it fitted. Jessica ordered it for me in a size too big. We wanted to make sure that we could fit my unruly mass of fatty tissue into any dress. But the whole thing is WAY too big. It's going to have to be taken in all over...All over except in the boob part! YAY! At least we got that part right, and that's what matters. But I need to get on the ball. I'm leaving a couple of days after my consultation with the plastic surgeon.
Haircut? ~ I have a haircut appointment scheduled a week before Jessica's wedding. A week early because for some reason hair just looks better a week to two after you get it cut. But now I'm not sure...I like my hair longer, but it doesn't do much except "lay" when it's not freshly cut.
Slacker? ~ Why yes. Yes I am. I've been blogging so I don't have to go back to paragraph one and start to clean anything. Gabby's room is next and it's very daunting. If my room took 4 hours, hers will take 6. Then I can get started on the rest of the house that will probably take me a day.
Communication is a bitch. ~ This is something that JC and I have desperately been trying to work on. Sometimes it seems like we're getting better at it, and other times it's like starting at square one. I just don't get how to fix it. We THINK exactly the same. So many times we blurt out the exact same sentence at the the exact same time. We THINK the same, but we do not EXPRESS the same. That's probably just a girl/guy difference, but we've got to find a way to fix. However, everything's been pretty great. I still love him more and more everyday. I still can't ever picture my life without him in it. And I'm learning everyday how to make things better and how to get what I need without getting mad and pouty about it...like when I'm talking to him and I don't think he's paying attention...a lot of times it's because there's something else going on...remember ADD...yea, it's bad. If the TV's on, then he doesn't know I exist. He can absolutely NOT do more than one thing at a time. So, now instead of getting mad, I just turn the TV off, or make the situation so that he has to focus on me. And he's ok with that because he kind of just goes with the flow...It's taking me a long time to realize all the mistakes I mad in my past unhealthy relationships. I always blame it on the other person, but I've done things wrong, too. I don't want to do them over again...So, even if it takes more time and patience I have to find that so I can make this a healthy one...
Not so healthy ~ My eating/gym habits suck more than ever these days. I can't seem to get the motivation that I used to have when I first started on a health kick. I can't stop eating. All I want to do is eat...I can't stop. If I didn't know better I would say I'm pregnant...It's that bad...like horrible cravings ALL THE TIME!!! Ray Ray the Saviour is going to change my routine up the gym though so I won't be as bored and frustrated. So, maybe I'll be going more often. Afterall, when I get this bridesmaid dress altered, I can't gain anymore weight.
Not so healthy Part Deux ~ My relationship with my daughter and the rest of my family is not so healthy right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to bond with my daughter anymore. I love her more than life itself, but I'm a "young" mom...or at least I was very young when I had her, and it gets hard when I realize the life I gave up. BUT...on the days she goes to her dad's and I don't do anything with myself or my life except hang out with JC and all of his friends. I realize that I need her so much. She makes me sane. She makes me responsible. She makes me want to get up and do the things I need to do.
Had Enough? ~ Me too.
"I gotta do it my way..." ~ I haven't been doing things my way. I can have a very bossy, outgoing personality when I'm around people who are really "meek", but unfortunately when I get around people who's personalities exceed mine, I become meek. I don't act according to my own guidelines and rules. And that causes me to be a less productive, unhappy person. So, I need to do things my way a lot more. I'm not unwilling to compromise, but if I want to stay home and not go out...I gotta do it. If I want to go someplace different fromthe consensus of the crowd...I will. My sister has always complimented me on going against the grain and just being my own person, but I've lost that somehow, and I've become much more of a follower. It's been a gradual thing, and I don't like it. I'm bustin' out...If I don't start to get control of my life in my own way, then this depressional funk I've been in will just continue...I will not move forward...
Moving Forward ~ I need a job QUICK! I don't know what I want to do...I know I don't have to do something for the rest of my life, but I need to find a direction. I've been looking and applying for all kinds of administrative assistant jobs, and I can't take it anymore. What the hell was all the hard work I put into my degree and the minor I didn't get if only to work behind a desk 9-5. So, yesterday I got a tip...Well, first my good friend Carla said she was going to help me out and look over my resume. She's a much better fibber than I am. Then, JC gave me some good news. His dad knows about this job that sounds really interesting. AND...he can get me an interview. Of course, getting the job will be up to me, but at least he'll help me get my foot in the door...The father/son conversations that JC and his dad have are just awesome, and this time it's helping me out too...
Golfing Conversations ~ JC and his dad always have these conversations on the golf course. Yesterday JC was scheduled to play golf with his dad. He came by here first, and then we both were going to HEB (grocery store), so I was following JC, and literally, at the first stop light after turning out of my apartment...um...the light was red, so I started to slow down. I knew that I was coming to a stop, I thought JC was going to, too. But I was doing something else...I don't know...lighting a cigarette or something...Turns out JC was doing something else, too, because I looked up just in time to see him run the red light and crash right into the back of this lady's SUV. It was so unbelievable. I just kept thinking, "What the hell is going on? Why didn't he stop?" Well, when I had to call his dad to tell him that JC was going to be late, his dad told me why, "That boy has the worst ADD I've ever encountered." Yes he does...but that's not good when you're driving. He just barely got this truck like two months ago. He doesn't seem to think the damage is all that bad...but it is...it looks horrible...and he no longer even has a piece of his headlight left...Poor thing though. He was so upset. We were both extremely shook up, and right after I dropped him off at his dad's house I started having this horrible sharp pain in the back of my head every 10 seconds (yes, I counted). I probably tensed up just as much as he did. This pain has been continuing this morning...
GO AWAY Shoulder/Neck/Head Pain!!! (Boobs) ~ I know that a lot of this pain that I feel every second of everyday that I try to ignore is partially caused by my job when I'm working. Another part is my posture. Another part is that I don't do my physical therapy that I'm supposed to. Another problem is that I've gained weight and my boobs are one size bigger again...and the pressure from my bra strap kills me. The weight of these suckers brings me down, literally drags my upper body into a slumping postition. It's killing me. The grass is always greener...that's what I always tell smaller breasted women who tell me they're jealous of the size of mine. You don't want this! I have permanent indentions in my shoulders from my bra straps. I have tremendous pain across the middle of my back. I have horrible headaches from the strain my bra puts on my neck from trying to hold these things up! Plus other things...like being 12 and being almost the same size I am now...Do you know what it's like going through high school when you have a larger chest than some porn stars? If you don't, it's not fun. You get lots of looks, you get people thinking they can just walk past you in a crowded hallway and reach out and grab them. It doesn't matter how much weight I lose, my shirt size still stays the same. And the fact that they are real, large, and I've had a kid...oh, and I'm not gettin' any younger makes them extremely unruly. I hate having old lady boobs especially when my boyfriend is as young as he is...So...I've been saying forever that I want a breast reduction. And now I'm going to do it. I have a consultation at the end of August, and then about 4 to 6 weeks later, these things will be smaller, and a hell of a lot less unruly. I don't want boobs that "flail"...
Flailing ~ JC and I were hanging out last weekend. We were just lying around. I was wearing just a pair of pajama bottoms and nothing else (my favorite home attire when Gabby's not home). I like my pajama bottoms to be at least one, maybe two sizes too big for me. So, I jump up from the bed and headed towards the bathroom...kind of in a hurry, and somehow my foot got caught in the other legs too long pant leg. It was all very slow motion...I think I didn't think that I was going to actually fall. I mean who trips and falls at 29? But I did. I didn't even try to catch myself. I fell and landed on my side...the side that my foot was all tangled up in. I turn to look at JC lying on the bed...But his lying had turned to rolling. Of course, he couldn't stop laughing. I was laughing and crying...I kind of hurt myself. So, JC decided to recap for me, "OMG...all I saw was you stumble forward with your arms waving wildly above your head and your boobies flailing about from side to side!!!" I begged him not to tell anyone, but he said it was just too funny to keep that a secret, so here I am blogging about my unruly mass of fatty tissue...
I need to call the tailor today ~ My bridesmaid dress came in the mail a week ago, and I've got to go get it fitted. Jessica ordered it for me in a size too big. We wanted to make sure that we could fit my unruly mass of fatty tissue into any dress. But the whole thing is WAY too big. It's going to have to be taken in all over...All over except in the boob part! YAY! At least we got that part right, and that's what matters. But I need to get on the ball. I'm leaving a couple of days after my consultation with the plastic surgeon.
Haircut? ~ I have a haircut appointment scheduled a week before Jessica's wedding. A week early because for some reason hair just looks better a week to two after you get it cut. But now I'm not sure...I like my hair longer, but it doesn't do much except "lay" when it's not freshly cut.
Slacker? ~ Why yes. Yes I am. I've been blogging so I don't have to go back to paragraph one and start to clean anything. Gabby's room is next and it's very daunting. If my room took 4 hours, hers will take 6. Then I can get started on the rest of the house that will probably take me a day.
Communication is a bitch. ~ This is something that JC and I have desperately been trying to work on. Sometimes it seems like we're getting better at it, and other times it's like starting at square one. I just don't get how to fix it. We THINK exactly the same. So many times we blurt out the exact same sentence at the the exact same time. We THINK the same, but we do not EXPRESS the same. That's probably just a girl/guy difference, but we've got to find a way to fix. However, everything's been pretty great. I still love him more and more everyday. I still can't ever picture my life without him in it. And I'm learning everyday how to make things better and how to get what I need without getting mad and pouty about it...like when I'm talking to him and I don't think he's paying attention...a lot of times it's because there's something else going on...remember ADD...yea, it's bad. If the TV's on, then he doesn't know I exist. He can absolutely NOT do more than one thing at a time. So, now instead of getting mad, I just turn the TV off, or make the situation so that he has to focus on me. And he's ok with that because he kind of just goes with the flow...It's taking me a long time to realize all the mistakes I mad in my past unhealthy relationships. I always blame it on the other person, but I've done things wrong, too. I don't want to do them over again...So, even if it takes more time and patience I have to find that so I can make this a healthy one...
Not so healthy ~ My eating/gym habits suck more than ever these days. I can't seem to get the motivation that I used to have when I first started on a health kick. I can't stop eating. All I want to do is eat...I can't stop. If I didn't know better I would say I'm pregnant...It's that bad...like horrible cravings ALL THE TIME!!! Ray Ray the Saviour is going to change my routine up the gym though so I won't be as bored and frustrated. So, maybe I'll be going more often. Afterall, when I get this bridesmaid dress altered, I can't gain anymore weight.
Not so healthy Part Deux ~ My relationship with my daughter and the rest of my family is not so healthy right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to bond with my daughter anymore. I love her more than life itself, but I'm a "young" mom...or at least I was very young when I had her, and it gets hard when I realize the life I gave up. BUT...on the days she goes to her dad's and I don't do anything with myself or my life except hang out with JC and all of his friends. I realize that I need her so much. She makes me sane. She makes me responsible. She makes me want to get up and do the things I need to do.
Had Enough? ~ Me too.
Comments
You know I'm a cheerleader --- would you like me to cheer you on -
GO GO GO!
GOOOO LIZZY GO!
CLEAN YOUR HOUSE!
GOOOO LIZZY GO!
TRASH THAT BANANA!
GOOOO LIZZY GO!
GO TO THE GYM!
GOOOO LIZZY GO!
TAKE YOUR KID TO THE ZOO!
GOOO LIZZY GO!
GET YOUR DRESS TAILORED!
GOOOO LIZZY GO!
TAKE YOUR KID TO THE ZOO!
GOOOO LIZZY GO!
EAT MORE VEGGIES!
GOOO LIZZY GO!
BE MORE ASSERTIVE!
GOOO LIZZY GO!
GO GO GO!
GOOOO LIZZY GO!
GO GO GO!
GOOO LIZZY GO!