Dysfunction Suits Me

My phone had a rough night in the hot tub. It's dead and gone. If you could email your phone number that would be great. I'm an idiot and had all my numbers saved to my phone...not the Sim card, even though that's what it's there for!

Over the weekend I rented 4 movies. I love doing this. Renting a bunch of movies, and sitting down to watch them one right after another. So, this past weekend I saw: 1. Atonement: I loved it! Just my kind of movie. Historical fiction, good unrequited love story. And really hot guy! 2. The Brave One: Loved it, too!!! A little different than what I thought it would be, but I was definitely hooked. And Naveen Andrews (Sayid on LOST) is to die for! 3. Enchanted: Watched it twice! I should have been annoyed with it, but it was sooo unbelievably good! 4. Dan in Real Life: I was super surprised at how freakin' good this movie was. And to think I actually took Josh's advice to watch it! Usually I hate his taste in movies. I could watch it again! In other news? Nothing really. I went out a lot this past weekend. I went with Andrea and our friend Russell and played Trivia at a bar on Saturday. That was LOTS of fun! Sunday I went to Cracker Barrell with the Fam, m...

Home from my most recent visit to Alexandria. I wrote a blog about our adventures on MySpace. Jess wrote one on her blog, too. I'm just here to post pictures tonight. There's some from this trip, some from Colorado, and some from recent times I went out with friends here in SA.

Jessica and Me at Eric's St. Patty's Day show in Baltimore. All three of us after the show St. Patty's Day Jess and Eric pose with George Washington and family at Mount Vernon. Hanging out with the lambs at Mount Vernon. Backseat Buddies: Eric, Keelee and Me on the way to Pike's Peak. Jessica and Eric on Pike's Peak. At the bar Metropolitan. Snow in Colorado Springs! On top of Pike's Peak. At the zoo with Joy, Andrea, and Becky. Andrea and me at my Christmas Party. At Charlie Brown's for some Karaoke. Hanging out with some firemen after going out. Joy, Andrea, Becky, and me. More firmen. Out with the girls: Kelly, Becky, Andrea, Rachel, me, Joy, and Wendy. What is Andy talking about?

One year ago today, at almost this time of night, I was getting ready to go out with my semi-fiancee for a ST. Patrick's Day bash. And it turned out that was the night he told me he cheated on me. It has been one year since the. It has been exactly half the time that we were together. I didn't even think about it today untiil it was brought up. I miss him like crazy sometimes, and othher times, I'm so happy to be on my own. I'm going through a big phase of confusion and transition, but amazingly...I'm not so freaked out abou it,. Everything will work itself out at some point. I'm trying to type on Jessica's laptop ane it's not working so well. I'm going to take my drunk ass to bed, and wake up perky to go to Mount Vernon. I hate laptops! Get back to you later when I can type regular!

I somehow lost my internet service a week or so ago. Ugh! I tried the whole unplugging/plugging it back thing, and it's still not working. I'll need to call the cable company. But, not too worried about it right now. I leave for DC to see Jessica in two days! I'll deal with it when I get back. Things have been ok. Busy. I'm making it. Slowly and struggling, but making it nontheless. Gabby turned 10 yesterday. I have a kid that's a DECADE old!!! Can you believe it?

I drank too much last night. But, a lot less than usual. I was definitely drunk, but not completely shit faced. So, I left the bar, starting driving home...a friend was following me...and I looked into my rearview mirror and realized that that wasn't my friend behind me anymore...it was flashing nights. My heart went into my stomach. But, then it was weird because I wasn't actually freaking out THAT bad. I very slowly grabbed my license, rolled my window down, and sat there...trying to put on a good game face. The cop walks up and says, "I pulled you over because you were doing 50 and it's 35 all the way through here." Me (playing really dumb!), "Oh, really? I didn't know that." Cop, "And you bumped a curb." Me, "I know, I'm so sorry, I was text messaging." (which I was) Cop, "How much have you had to drink tonight?" Me, "Like 2 beers." Cop, "Ok,..." Me, "Do you need...." Cop, ...

So, we all know, my best friend of 15 years, Jess, lives in DC, and we have to live on plane tickets and long distance phone calls (thank god for cell phones!). Over the years I've gotten to know a few of Jess' good friends in DC and vice versa. One of her good friends is Deannie. I love that girl. She was so much fun at Jess' wedding. And I feel like I know her because Jess and I talk so much. Well, Deannie is in town this week, and tonight we had dinner...and a few drinks...a few...with a couple of the people she travelled here with. It was great seeing her, especially since when I'm in DC she won't be there. Thanks for hooking up tonigh, Deannie!

I told Jess my falling down story, she asked if I blogged about it. Yes, I did, but on MySpace, so because she doesn't read my much happier blogs over there (I save the sad stuff just for ya'll!), she said I must post it here. I picked Gabby up from her dad's, and on the way out the car, I stepped on a crack wrong...twisted my ankle and went flying through the air. Almost literally. Well, that makes it sound graceful...maybe just tumbling and rollilng describes it better. All the while thinking in slow motion, "You're falling. You're really going to fall, dumbass! How did this happen? No, really, you're actually tripping and falling!" I twisted my ankle bad, but I've iced it...as well as my wrist, and the pain as subsided a bit. On top of that I have a scab on my knee...I scraped the skin off a couple of toes, and the nail polish off my big toe. I think there might be a scrape on my elbow as well. How does this happen!!!??? It was quite...

I can't believd sometimes that I thought life was so hard when I was in high school. When Jess and I used to go into the office and have Care'N'Share w/ Schwenk, Zook, and Morales. Life seemed so difficult back then. Like I would never make it past another day. And to think that those three gals were the age that I am now at that time. It kind of makes me feel guitly. Because life is so much harder now. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of prentending. I can't. Nothing is working. I'm sorry. I've tried to be strong for a very long time now, and part of it is completlely true, but another part of it is a complete lie. I'm lost. I'm tired of pretending either way. If you're serious Schwenk, I would love to come out and spend a weekend with you. With or without Gabby. I remember when Jess told me how in a difficult part of your life, you went out to their house, and just "FELT". I need to do that so badly. I ...

I've tried to work on my self this past year. And change...LOTS of things. I've tried to think different. I've tried to suck it up. I've tried medication. I've tried to meet new people. I've tried to change the way I think, feel, do things. And, it helped. It really did. I worked hard...and it paid off. However, it's getting harder and harder to keep up with. I'm not sure I can work on the inner and outer me at the same time. No. That's not it, either. Some how I've lost my momentum. Again. Just like when I got really sick, and lost my momentum in life...school, work, relationships. I get on these kicks...and they can last a LONG time. Like school...I made it all 4 years. But lost my momentum in the end, and ruined my 3.8 GPA. It was a kick. I've lost the battle with lots of "kicks". I suck at life. Even though I try. Really hard. And, this could all probably just be chalked up as the normal trial and tribul...

What do yo do when your heart's gone missing? What do you do when you KNOW what will fix things, but you just can't grasp it? What do you do when you just can't stand on your own two feet anymore? What do you do when your body aches from need? What do you do when you want to talk to your "heart" and you can't? What do you do? You just accept it...and hurt...and call an ex.

I have no idea why, but ever since my dad fixed my computer, my USB ports don't work. And that just sucks! For a couple of reason. One, when I moved into this apartment, I got a really cool new desk that has a USB hub on it, so you don't have to bend down, and get behind your computer and all that junk to plug something in. And I haven't been able to use it! Two, I can't download anything from my new camera...or my dad's digital camera! What's the point of having a digital camera??? So, I have a big decision. I can easily get my USB ports fixed. But that would require shutting down operations here, and taking my computer to my dad's. Which means...no more internet for me...for who knows how long. I did it once before for almost a year...but I've become slightly addicted now that I have high speed internet and not dial-up (which I had for 7 years!!! Can you believe it?). The plus...the USB ports will work...and I can download pictures and stuff...

I've been thinking alot about the way that certain people come into your life specifically for reasons. Usually I don't think that way. My friends are my friends and my family is my family and my aquaintances are my aquaintances. But maybe that's not really the way of it. Let's take Gabby for example. Before she was born, and then when she was a baby...I had these dreams of having a tom boy girl...a tough little thing. But she's not. Not at all. She can be very sensitive. She also has a big problem with hurrying up. EVERYTHING she does...she does as slow as possible. But maybe she is the way she is because I'm supposed to learn something. I think that I'm supposed to learn about the way that I was as a child. And I think she's definitely teaching me about patience, which is something that I DO NOT posess. I'm having to learn how to deal with a person that is so unlike me! I mean when I was little I was very much like her. But as I...

I can sit here, and sound really self-righteous sometimes...and very together...and the truth is that a lot of the time I'm just plain lonely and struggling. I've never thought that I was the kind of person that could spend my life without a relationship...even though I know I CAN, I'm not sure I want to...it's such a hard place that I'm in right now...past a lot of hurt...but still feeling quite tender a lot of the time. I guess sometimes it just takes longer to be completely over things. Boy, I'm rambling here. What's my point? I've kind of forgotten it.... I guess it's that I am starting to miss being in a relationship...but...I still really want to concentrate on me. And losing weight...my biggest struggle is number one on the list...I've got the depression and anxiety under control for the most part...I've got the career thing under way...I've been concentrating and putting a lot of energy into fixing what's on the inside.....

I had a "semi-date" the other night. It was more of a "friendly" get together. This friend of mine "J", went to school with me, and then moved away to get his Master's. Well, he's back in town. He'll be moving to Austin soon to get his doctorate's. We met up the other night to catch up, and grab a beer. Well...let me explain more...we've always had a little bit of a flirtation thing going on. We've been flirting back and forth through email for the last 2 years. So, at the end of the "date" he walked me to my car, and kissed me. And it was one of the best kisses I've ever had, only because it was really sweet, and a great end to a great time. And with that he said, "I'll call you tomorrow." So, he didn't call, but we did email back and forth all the next morning, and I thought things were pretty good. And, we had plans to go out downtown on New Year's Eve, which was also his birthday. ...

Let's hope this one is bigger and better for everyone! And here's to more blogging actually happening in 2008! I miss it! And I miss all of you out there! Also, Schwenk...I've got an email coming your way, as soon as I can sit down and write it without bawling my eyes out!!! This is what I'll be working on in 2008...I found this, and thought that it pretty much summed up what I want, where I want to go...how...why...etc. Cancer: Crabs live in the past more than other signs, and it affects the present, especially in relationships. In 2008, tally up your past hurts and let go ... for good.

I've been writing so many more blogs over on my MySpace than I have here! But, they're very frivolous over there. I do a lot of surveys, and a lot of just silly things. But, it's harder here. Since I began this blog, almost 3 years ago, as a "journal" almost...it's hard for me to just throw something out there that isn't laced with "feeling"...but I just haven't had much of those lately. Feelings. I mean I have, but I've been really numb, too. Which may be a good thing for me. I probably need to feel numb for a little while after all the trauma.

I love pedicures. And would love to get them pretty often, but the truth is I only make it like once every 3 months or so. A month ago I took Andrea to get her first pedicure, and we decided to get wild and crazy. I got my first "design" on my big toe. A hiabiscus. I LOVED it! Then, yesterday, it was time for a new look. Andrea went for a very wintery theme...Christmas blue w/ a very nice snowflake. I decided to go for a "New Yearsy" look. Russian Navy, with a kind of twinkling star...well, the girls didn't get it. Andrea tried really hard to explain to them what I wanted, but in the end the lady just said, "You want snowflake?" And I gave in, and just said, "Yea, give me a fucking snowflake!" Well, without the cursing anyway. As she began I immediately knew it was an awful idea....she started by making a HUGE cross...and the more I watched her try to fill it in...the more my face crumpled...the more Andrea laughed at me....Anyway, I guess it...

I have felt unlike myself all day. I have had this nasty anxious feeling....and yes, I've taken my meds...and there's like this giant, deep well of sadness that wants to bubble out and over, but for some reason my mind it isn't letting that happen...and I don't know if that's a good thing...part of me thinks I need a "release", and the other part knows that possibly, if I let those emotions out, it would only hurt me more...better to avoid. That's what my brain always does best. I just don't know where this has come from. And I don't know what to do about it. And I do have a secret. A secret that if anyone knew...especially all those people who are really close to me, and love me...if they knew...they would be so disappointed in me...so angry with me...so sad for me....and to the point of being at the end of their ropes with me....and I don't want to disappoint. Ever. So, I will continue to keep my little secret....and if the only t...