I've tried. I really have.

I've tried to work on my self this past year. And change...LOTS of things. I've tried to think different. I've tried to suck it up. I've tried medication. I've tried to meet new people. I've tried to change the way I think, feel, do things. And, it helped. It really did. I worked hard...and it paid off. However, it's getting harder and harder to keep up with. I'm not sure I can work on the inner and outer me at the same time. No. That's not it, either. Some how I've lost my momentum. Again. Just like when I got really sick, and lost my momentum in life...school, work, relationships. I get on these kicks...and they can last a LONG time. Like school...I made it all 4 years. But lost my momentum in the end, and ruined my 3.8 GPA. It was a kick. I've lost the battle with lots of "kicks". I suck at life. Even though I try. Really hard. And, this could all probably just be chalked up as the normal trial and tribulations of life. But that's not it, either.

I don't know exactly what's going on, but over the last couple of weeks, my mental and emotional stability...that I had worked on...and gained...has slowly deteriorated. And I wonder...was I just pretending to be fine? Have I really thought I was working on things and getting better, but really, I was just ignoring and avoiding...just like my old, normal self/ Probably.

I'm aching. Life sucks. I suck at life. And I can't change it...no matter how hard I try. I still end up in the same place...with the same conclusions. And there's nothing anyone can say or do to make it better....well, there is...but that's a longshot.

As the girl from Ireland said about my SUPER drunken Saturday night last weekend, "She was lost." Yes, I was. And, yes, I am. I don't have it figured out anymore than the next person. I think I'm doing good, and then I stumble. But "stumbling" for me is more like a huge splash into the San Antonio River...or like missing the toilet in a public bathroom, and falling on my ass.

How can I deny this anymore? I can't. I'm tired of pretending just to appease and just to be strong. I am a very strong woman, but I can only do it alone for so long. I'm missing something. Something big! I've noticed the last few times I've gone out that everyone else has their "partner". Whether it's a husband, boyfriend, or just a friend. I don't have that partnership. At all. I come close to it when my sister goes out with me, but most of the time, I'm kind of on my own. And, I've been alone for too long. Maybe my whole life. I have tons of people around...and tons of people who love me...but in the end, we're all alone, right? Unless you'r lucky to have found your partner. I thought I had...a few times...but, it's still something that completely eludes me.

I should just stay away from this thing when I'm in this mood. I might be completely better tomorrow. Although, with the way things are going, I'm not sure they will. Somehow I've lost that momentum, and I contiue to deteriorate, and have no one to spill my guts and my heart to. I can't say what I really feel. It would just be perceived as wrong, stupid, or disgusting. And yea, on the surface, I would have to agree. But deep down...I've always known what's best for me.

Maybe if I had had some biscuits and gravy tonight, I wouldn't be here, yet again, spilling part of my guts and heart out on another stupid website. I'm just another sad, rambling freak on the internet.