Dysfunction Suits Me

Hope everyone had a really great Christmas...and about to have a really great New Year's! We...wow, haven't said that in a long time (without speaking of me and Gabby), are going to a New Year's Eve party at The Mansion (someday I'll explain that when I have time). I can't stand this "censorship" that's been necessary, so I'm going to make this an invitation only blog. Meaning... send me your email ASAP to gara_tx23@yahoo.com I know I have a lot of yours already, but send me it anyway if you want to keep reading. I might need an update or something. I had a really great weekend. Gabby will be staying at her dad's until after the New Year since I still have to work. We went shopping, watched a movie, watched some LOST, met all the family members on both sides, and got a flat tire. Went shopping at my "usual" store. The girls that work there know me pretty well since I spend all my free time...and maybe not so free money there....

...I wish I could say more. I've been seeing someone. If you hadn't figured it out. Things have moved very fast, but I think it's really good. At least, I wish I could let myself go with that. You know me...I'll find something negative in it. I feel awful these days about not going to the gym. I miss it terribly. I miss Ray Ray like crazy. You would think that would be some sort of motivation. It's been cold and rainy. Cold and Rainy. Cold and Rainy. I need some sun!

I've been going backwards on this blog...re-reading everything I've written in the last four years. I really, really cannot believe the things I wrote about in my last relationship. Not one bit. I was a very sad, very angry, very confused...very drunk...person. How did I ever think I was happy in that?

...yep, me.

Kelly's birthday started at a place called Mulligan's. Then we swung by Swig North...way too yuppie and snobby...went back to Mulligan's. Night kind of sucked for me. I got there late and everyone else was already drunk. Kelly's friends from high school. Except the one in the UT hat. We just met him. I don't remember his real name. It was weird, so I kept calling him Jean Luc. I went to breakfast with him and one of his friends. Really cool guy. Andy, Michelle, and Tybor while we were braving Swig North. Shane and Ty at Mulligan's. Shane is such a ham!

Friday: We got in around noon. Picked up Eric at work and went to a place called The Savage Mill in Savage, MD. It's an old mill that has been turned into a restaurant and a bunch of "crafty" stores. We ate the Ram's Head. We were in Maryland, so, of course, I had a crab cake sandwich. We were all a little tired...what with me not going to bed and getting on a 5:30 flight, and Jess being pregnant. We went back to Jess and Eric's new house and just relaxed for a little while. Had dinner at Johnny's New York Style Pizzeria. Afterwards, we went to Lucky's Kind of like a Dave and Buster's. Eric and I got a couple of drinks, and Eric played games with Gabby while Jess and I caught up. Gabby and Jess were pretty tired so they went home to watch The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants... 1 & 2. Eric and I stayed at Lucky's. We kicked major ass at the jungle something or other game. And shook ourselves to death trying to get zombies off of ...

Got home from Jess and Eric's yesterday. I will get the pics up later this evening. But I have a couple of pics from just hanging out with my girls that I haven't gotten up, and my friend Kelly just emailed me a couple more. The blonde is Kelly, the brunette is Andrea, and the brunette Asian :) is Becky. The first pic is from a rare night that all my girls were together for Michelle's (middle blonde) birthday a couple of weekends ago. From the left: Andrea, Joy, Michelle, me, and Kelly...oops, Becky's missing.

I'm stressing the fuck out!!! Our plane leaves at 5:30am. The cab will be here at 3:30am. I haven't packed one thing. Just barely got home. Somehow I've got to get everything together. I will...it seems more stressful because I usually only have to get stuff ready for myself when I travel. Plus, as excited as I am to see Jess and Eric, and the new dog, and the new house, and be with Jess in the really early stages of having a baby...Yes...did I mention that...she's PREGNANT!!! I'm so excited for them! All Jess has ever wanted is to be a mom. Anyway...as excited as I am about going...and about Gabby seeing a place I go so often...and the snow...I have something kind of new going on in my life...something kind of great...and I will miss it a little when I'm gone...ok, maybe ALOT! I think I'm going to pour myself a glass of wine, chill out for a minute. This is always the way it is when I travel...I stress, stress, stress about getting everything done...

Gabby and I get on a plane that leaves at 5:30am on Friday to head to DC to be with Jessica, Eric, and the new dog. I can't wait! Gabby's never been! And she was too little the last time she was on a plane to remember it. Exciting! Last week, Jess' friend Deannie was in San Antonio. We met up for dinner and drinks. Love ya, Deannie!

If things in my life are going badly...or if they're just silly and normal...I can ramble and write/spout off nonsense for hours. But...when things are going really, really well and I'm scared, I tend to not write...not want to talk about it all. Shut down. Bottle it up. Not KNOW what to say. Whatever is in that fear make me not want to bare my soul as usual. This is when I SHOULD wear my heart on my sleeve, but instead I wipe it off, and hide it in my pocket.

Everything is really good. Too good! I'm in panic mode a little bit. Waiting for the shoe to drop or something. I have never had anything in my life like this. This is exactly the kind of thing I run from because I don't think I deserve it. But, don't worry...I'm trying everyday to get control of myself and realize I do deserve it, and that maybe it won't end horribly...I've had a panic attack everyday this week. But I'm not going to run away. Even if it means I have a panic attack every single day until I can get used to this. If you've read this blog long enough, you know that with my past relationships I don't have a lot of trust, hope, faith, anything left in men...but I'm trying. I never do what's good for me. But I'm 31 years old damn! It's about time I do! I wish I could say more. Maybe I'll have to do the whole invite people to my blog privacy thing so I can.

I'm going to see Twilight with my work crush tomorrow.

...I don't really want to get my hopes up...buuuutt...I've had this little crush for the last 1 1/2 years that has never really been a possiblity of something even remotely happening there. However, there have been some recent developments...like this crush's relationship ending...there's still another obstacle...we work together...but, last night...we emailed back and forth for 4 hours. What does this mean????

I've been struggling lately with what a friendship really means. I came across this article that I thought was really interesting (too long to copy and paste). I don't know how I've become an "Echo" in some of my more recent friendships. I'm certainly not an "Echo" with my family or with any guy I've ever dated. I don't know why I've allowed myself to become one. It's not me. http://www.oprah.com/article/relationships/friends/pkgletsgettogether/ss_omag_200804_mbeck/1

I've been on a path of thinking negatively again. I constantly think about what I DON'T want versus what I do. And, I constantly think about the things I CAN'T do anymore, or shouldn't, instead of what I can or should. 1. I want to be strong and healthy. Physically. 2. I want to travel. 3. I want to continue to excel in this career I never thought I would have, but somehow am pretty good at. 4. I want to one day complete my dream of being a personal trainer...even if it's just on the weekends...even if it's just being certified. 5. I want to meet new people, and develop meaningful relationships. 6. I want to go back to when Gabby was home every other weekend...instead of not being here any weekend. 7. I want to come home every other Friday, fix my daughter and me dinner. Watch a movie together and spend time with our kitties. 8. I want to pursue my brand of happiness. 9. I want to learn to speak Russian. 10. I want to go back to reading before bed instead of wat...

The Namesake Smart People Sex and the City Under the Same Moon Then She Found Me Made of Honor Forgetting Sarah Marshall They are all really, really good. All of them made me laugh AND cry.

I started out the day looking for a colorful cocktail dress. After going to 4 stores, I hoping to find a colorful t-shirt at the very least. I wish I was a man!