Sixteen pounds gained after hiring a personal trainer many months ago. I work out with the trainer twice a week. I walk/hike twice a week. Gained sixteen pounds. My eating habits have gotten worse. My cortisol levels from stress are probably astronomical. Cortisol is not a friend of weight loss. Emotional, binge eating is my friend. A friend that I don't want. The kind of friend you hang out with because you don't have anything else to do and you're so incredibly lonely you feel like you'll die without some kind of contact.
This morning, a calendar reminder came up on my phone. A reminder that just said "Babe's". Took me a minute to remember that I actually set a calendar reminder to order Babe's Old Fashioned Hamburgers for lunch today, because even last night in my food drunk stupor, I wanted more food. I SCHEDULED A CRAVING! I didn't even remember doing it when the reminder came up! This is bad. Very, very bad.
Stuck. Can't get out. Can't get out of my own head. Can't stop rebelling against myself. I can't. I really can't. I don't know how anymore. I feel out of control of one of the only things I actually have control of.
I have begged for will power and motivation my whole life. At 45, I realize that discipline is the key. Discipline, consistency, and routine. Now how do I find motivation to be disciplined? And, what am I going to order for lunch at Babe's?
Wah, Wah
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