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Motivation has never been my friend

 Seems like the older I get the more I tell stories that start with "20 years ago, I used to...". 

So, 20 years ago, I signed up with a personal trainer I called Aaron the Beast. You can read about him way back at the beginning of this blog. I worked out with him for nearly two years. I've never been in better shape, felt stronger, or loved my body more. I was also 25 years old. Aaron moved on and I then signed up with Ray Ray the Savior, who later became Ray Ray the Killer. Worked out with him on and off for a few years. Kept the weight off for about 6 years until I started my downfall years between 2005 and 2019. I learned so much in those years. I had a lot of fun. I had a lot of misery. I allowed myself to become bitter and miserable and hard. Not me. 

I've worked so hard over the last three years since my husband left, to become my best self. To live a whole healthy life. To embrace every emotion. To react the way I choose to no matter what's going on around me and what others choose to do or not do. 

Moving has always been important to me. Physically as well as emotionally, mentally. I don't like being stagnant. That might come from the ADHD. 

My estranged husband is stagnant. He is now and has been since I've known him. He's so completely avoidant and frozen at the moment. I don't want to be that. 

All this to say, I'm finding my love for the gym again. For moving. For feeling how amazing the human body is. I've got a new personal trainer, Tyler. He hadn't earned a nickname, yet. It's been great. I haven't been doing well on weightloss because I'm still eating away the pain from the last few years, but I'm working on it. 

Hoping to keep this emotional outlet going. Have a whole new journey with myself to let out. Adding Tyler to the mix of supporters, paid or otherwise. Lol. 

I just turned 45. Seems like a huge milestone, especially since the last time I remember loving myself was when I was 25. Motivation has never been my friend, but I have it today. And, today is always the most important day. 

Surprising how a new pair of crosstrainers can motivate me.


 

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