Dysfunction Suits Me

 I'm looking for some ideas. Healthy, fast, on-the-go snacks. I used my friend Google to help with some ideas. Do you know what I got? Nuts. Fucking nuts. Apparently nuts are the only quick, healthy snack.  I'm tired of nuts. 

I don't know how non-ADD brains, non-anxiety riddled bodies handle living in this type of chaos, but I can tell you that with ADD and anxiety, this construction chaos paralyzes me.  All I want to do is run away and travel instead of just buckling down and getting it completed.   It's been years of living in some sort of disarray.  That hole in my ceiling has been an ongoing project for nearly 10 years.  Something my estranged husband was supposed to handle, but never did.  So, I hired a guy from Thumbtack, who got the job done, eventually.  He could definitely strengthen his time management skills.   Big changes coming for this room.  Change is slow to come in this household, but I still hold out hope everyday that it will speed up.   

 Sixteen pounds gained after hiring a personal trainer many months ago.  I work out with the trainer twice a week. I walk/hike twice a week.  Gained sixteen pounds.  My eating habits have gotten worse.  My cortisol levels from stress are probably astronomical.  Cortisol is not a friend of weight loss.  Emotional, binge eating is my friend.  A friend that I don't want.  The kind of friend you hang out with because you don't have anything else to do and you're so incredibly lonely you feel like you'll die without some kind of contact.   This morning, a calendar reminder came up on my phone.  A reminder that just said "Babe's".  Took me a minute to remember that I actually set a calendar reminder to order Babe's Old Fashioned Hamburgers for lunch today, because even last night in my food drunk stupor, I wanted more food.  I SCHEDULED A CRAVING!  I didn't even remember doing it when the reminder came up!  This is bad.  Very, very bad.  Stuck.  Can'

 Seems like the older I get the more I tell stories that start with "20 years ago, I used to...".  So, 20 years ago, I signed up with a personal trainer I called Aaron the Beast. You can read about him way back at the beginning of this blog. I worked out with him for nearly two years. I've never been in better shape, felt stronger, or loved my body more. I was also 25 years old. Aaron moved on and I then signed up with Ray Ray the Savior, who later became Ray Ray the Killer. Worked out with him on and off for a few years. Kept the weight off for about 6 years until I started my downfall years between 2005 and 2019. I learned so much in those years. I had a lot of fun. I had a lot of misery. I allowed myself to become bitter and miserable and hard. Not me.  I've worked so hard over the last three years since my husband left, to become my best self. To live a whole healthy life. To embrace every emotion. To react the way I choose to no matter what's going on around