P-Dub and I had dinner with my sister last night. She knew I was feeling bad about myself. Feeling not worth anything. Feeling ugly. Fat. Old. We sat down in our booth and she looked across the table at me and said, "I think you're LOVELY!" I almost burst into tears. So did she. I could tell from her eyes that she meant it. That she didn't just mean it because I'm her sister.
I want to think I'm 'lovely', but all these things influence me and get in the way. My best friend, Andrea, and I have been a little distant lately. Last night she wanted me to go out downtown for a San Antonio Fiesta event. I just didn't want to deal with the crowd and the parking. I told her if she changed plans and wanted to do something 'normal'...not Fiesta-y, I would go.
We had a few text messages back and forth...I know they were silly...and meant to be teasing...but I took them soooo seriously. I'm so sensitive and try not to be. I do get my feelings hurt rather easily. But I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me and not be their selves...so I try really hard to squash it. I couldn't help it though...her teasing me about being an old lady doing needlepoint instead of going out really got to me.
And then I kind of realized why. I'm not in my 20s. I don't want to be in my 20s or act like I'm in my 20s, but I'm in this weird place where my lifestyle is a little bit like being in your 20s...at least on the days when Gabby's at her dad's.
I can't go running around like a 20-year old...but at the same time, I don't have a domestic situation that calls for my attention and for me to be a 30-something-year old...like having a 'larger' family of my own...husband...baby(ies)...a house...a home. And because I like being alone a little bit...not anti-social...I just like solitude and quiet...I've pushed away some people that could be 'regular' friends...people who like to do what I like to do...so, I don't have any friends either...people that would help me feel like I'm in my 30's and it's okay.
Don't get me wrong. I like being 32...not sure I'm looking forward to being 33 soon, but I am a MUCH happier person in my 30s. It just hurts and makes me feel guilty when my best friend who doesn't have the same responsibilities as I do...and who doesn't always like to do the things I like to...wants to tease me so much about the things I DO enjoy. I know she's being silly. I know that's her. I know I shouldn't take it personally. I try soooo hard not to. I rarely say anything. That's why I'm writing it here now. Because I know it won't be a big deal soon...the next time...a a few days...whatever.
I'm having a hard time realizing who I really am. I thought that's what your 20s were for! Not your 30s! Even at work they've been teasing me and acting like I'm some super 'crafty' person. Yesterday my Team Leader asked what I was doing for the weekend. I said I didn't know, but I was meeting my sister at Garden Ridge Pottery. She said, "Oh no! What project are you starting now!?" I said I wasn't...just helping my sister find home goods for her new house. She was laughing of course, but it did make me feel old...fuddy duddy.
I used to think I was pretty 'cool'. Now I'm crafty. But I don't want it to be seen that way. Besides, I just started this around Christmas!!! I'm sure only my sister and Jess know that I've kind of always been 'creative'.
As a teenager I thought I was going to be an artist...a painter...I loved music...I would analyze it...I read Shakespeare...I was an intellectual way beyond my years...and I let that all go...so now it has come back, but materialized itself as 'crafty'.
I don't want to be thought of as the cat lady who scrapbooks. I have a lot of pictures. I want to do something with them besides let them sit in boxes and collect dust. It helps me. I don't feel bored. I feel like I have something to do. I could paint. I could make it 'cooler'.
This is what I'm trying to say...who the hell am I? And why do I care so much about what people are thinking about what I do? If they think it's 'cool' or not!? If I was painting...making jewelry...people wouldn't laugh...call me 'crafty'...they would say I was creative or artistic....but why the hell do I care???
Let me tell you about my experience getting my 3rd facial ever a few weeks ago...
Jenny, who did my facial, at first made me want to cry...she talked about how much sun damage I have...and smoking damage and how you can see every 'emotional and physical scar' on my face. How you can tell what I've been through on my face. How I haven't taken care of myself for years and how it would take a while to make it right again.
Then when she was doing the facial, she said, "You just have to love yourself more." That said it all. And I've been going with that ever since. I do need to love myself more. A lot more. Because maybe...just maybe...I AM lovely.
I saw her again a week later. We talked a little, and she said, "I can tell you are a very strong person. That if you decide something...you can do whatever you want. I can tell that you don't care what people think and you do what you want."
She was so right and so wrong all at the same time. If that's the kind of vibe I give off...that's awesome...but it's not the way I feel inside. If I had a PENNY for every time someone told me how strong they thought I was, I'd be a millionaire! I remember an email that my friend Schwenk sent me once telling me how strong she thought I was. It freaks me out. I have to sit back and say, "REALLY???"
I know I'm extremely capable. But, I do what I have to do when I have to. I guess I don't think of that as being 'strong'. As silly as it sounds...that facial lady, Jenny, has been ruling my brain ever since...and I know she's a 'salesman', but she really, really got to me...
I'm learning and changing because of her. I have decided to quit tanning for good. In fact I'm trying to find someone to transfer my last year, that's paid for, at the tanning salon. She told me how I should learn to love my white...porcelain...red-headed skin...like Nicole Kidman does (she's an Asian lady from Australia). She told me the whole thing about how everyone across the world, except white Americans, think that fair skin is the most beautiful thing you can have. How Asians pride themselves on having porcelain skin. How she bleaches her skin to keep it that way.
This is all very sad sounding, but it's more like letting this out. I've been thinking about it too much. And I can't really share it with anyone around me. P-Dub agrees because he's so positive. I can't tell if I ever have influence over my OLDER sister. And, Andrea, doesn't believe in all of it....
This is a very silly analogy, but in trying to lighten my skin...by not tanning...by letting my skin return to it's natural color...that's also what I'm trying to do to the inside of myself....
It's hard...it has me in tears everyday...but it's not depression...I don't know how to explain it...maybe grieving? Maybe mourning? Maybe just letting go. Letting it out. I don't know.
You sick of me yet? Well, guess what...I don't care...It's my blog...and I'll cry if I want to!!! :) :) :) :) :)!!!
I want to think I'm 'lovely', but all these things influence me and get in the way. My best friend, Andrea, and I have been a little distant lately. Last night she wanted me to go out downtown for a San Antonio Fiesta event. I just didn't want to deal with the crowd and the parking. I told her if she changed plans and wanted to do something 'normal'...not Fiesta-y, I would go.
We had a few text messages back and forth...I know they were silly...and meant to be teasing...but I took them soooo seriously. I'm so sensitive and try not to be. I do get my feelings hurt rather easily. But I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me and not be their selves...so I try really hard to squash it. I couldn't help it though...her teasing me about being an old lady doing needlepoint instead of going out really got to me.
And then I kind of realized why. I'm not in my 20s. I don't want to be in my 20s or act like I'm in my 20s, but I'm in this weird place where my lifestyle is a little bit like being in your 20s...at least on the days when Gabby's at her dad's.
I can't go running around like a 20-year old...but at the same time, I don't have a domestic situation that calls for my attention and for me to be a 30-something-year old...like having a 'larger' family of my own...husband...baby(ies)...a house...a home. And because I like being alone a little bit...not anti-social...I just like solitude and quiet...I've pushed away some people that could be 'regular' friends...people who like to do what I like to do...so, I don't have any friends either...people that would help me feel like I'm in my 30's and it's okay.
Don't get me wrong. I like being 32...not sure I'm looking forward to being 33 soon, but I am a MUCH happier person in my 30s. It just hurts and makes me feel guilty when my best friend who doesn't have the same responsibilities as I do...and who doesn't always like to do the things I like to...wants to tease me so much about the things I DO enjoy. I know she's being silly. I know that's her. I know I shouldn't take it personally. I try soooo hard not to. I rarely say anything. That's why I'm writing it here now. Because I know it won't be a big deal soon...the next time...a a few days...whatever.
I'm having a hard time realizing who I really am. I thought that's what your 20s were for! Not your 30s! Even at work they've been teasing me and acting like I'm some super 'crafty' person. Yesterday my Team Leader asked what I was doing for the weekend. I said I didn't know, but I was meeting my sister at Garden Ridge Pottery. She said, "Oh no! What project are you starting now!?" I said I wasn't...just helping my sister find home goods for her new house. She was laughing of course, but it did make me feel old...fuddy duddy.
I used to think I was pretty 'cool'. Now I'm crafty. But I don't want it to be seen that way. Besides, I just started this around Christmas!!! I'm sure only my sister and Jess know that I've kind of always been 'creative'.
As a teenager I thought I was going to be an artist...a painter...I loved music...I would analyze it...I read Shakespeare...I was an intellectual way beyond my years...and I let that all go...so now it has come back, but materialized itself as 'crafty'.
I don't want to be thought of as the cat lady who scrapbooks. I have a lot of pictures. I want to do something with them besides let them sit in boxes and collect dust. It helps me. I don't feel bored. I feel like I have something to do. I could paint. I could make it 'cooler'.
This is what I'm trying to say...who the hell am I? And why do I care so much about what people are thinking about what I do? If they think it's 'cool' or not!? If I was painting...making jewelry...people wouldn't laugh...call me 'crafty'...they would say I was creative or artistic....but why the hell do I care???
Let me tell you about my experience getting my 3rd facial ever a few weeks ago...
Jenny, who did my facial, at first made me want to cry...she talked about how much sun damage I have...and smoking damage and how you can see every 'emotional and physical scar' on my face. How you can tell what I've been through on my face. How I haven't taken care of myself for years and how it would take a while to make it right again.
Then when she was doing the facial, she said, "You just have to love yourself more." That said it all. And I've been going with that ever since. I do need to love myself more. A lot more. Because maybe...just maybe...I AM lovely.
I saw her again a week later. We talked a little, and she said, "I can tell you are a very strong person. That if you decide something...you can do whatever you want. I can tell that you don't care what people think and you do what you want."
She was so right and so wrong all at the same time. If that's the kind of vibe I give off...that's awesome...but it's not the way I feel inside. If I had a PENNY for every time someone told me how strong they thought I was, I'd be a millionaire! I remember an email that my friend Schwenk sent me once telling me how strong she thought I was. It freaks me out. I have to sit back and say, "REALLY???"
I know I'm extremely capable. But, I do what I have to do when I have to. I guess I don't think of that as being 'strong'. As silly as it sounds...that facial lady, Jenny, has been ruling my brain ever since...and I know she's a 'salesman', but she really, really got to me...
I'm learning and changing because of her. I have decided to quit tanning for good. In fact I'm trying to find someone to transfer my last year, that's paid for, at the tanning salon. She told me how I should learn to love my white...porcelain...red-headed skin...like Nicole Kidman does (she's an Asian lady from Australia). She told me the whole thing about how everyone across the world, except white Americans, think that fair skin is the most beautiful thing you can have. How Asians pride themselves on having porcelain skin. How she bleaches her skin to keep it that way.
This is all very sad sounding, but it's more like letting this out. I've been thinking about it too much. And I can't really share it with anyone around me. P-Dub agrees because he's so positive. I can't tell if I ever have influence over my OLDER sister. And, Andrea, doesn't believe in all of it....
This is a very silly analogy, but in trying to lighten my skin...by not tanning...by letting my skin return to it's natural color...that's also what I'm trying to do to the inside of myself....
It's hard...it has me in tears everyday...but it's not depression...I don't know how to explain it...maybe grieving? Maybe mourning? Maybe just letting go. Letting it out. I don't know.
You sick of me yet? Well, guess what...I don't care...It's my blog...and I'll cry if I want to!!! :) :) :) :) :)!!!
Comments
20s are overrated! 30s and 40s is when the real living begins.
Love and miss you both! I'm enjoying watching you grow on your blogs.
Schwenker