That's what's going on with me for the next 4 days. I need some organization. I need a change of pace. I need to feel at ease. Maybe I'll go buy a Buddhist alter for my balcony.
I had another relationship end recently and it's been hard to deal with because of the circumstances. But, the weird thing is when I actually feel myself start to shed a tear about it, I realize that it's not really about the other person. There just wasn't enough time invested, and there weren't deep enough emotions invested. It's sad. And I wish it had not ended. I wish I would have had a snap of reality, that I kind of have now...I might have done things differently. Been myself more. Been the vulnerable, caring person that I am. Been less stand offish. And in the end that probably would not have mattered because I have to remember that it's not all about what I could've done differently. Sometimes it really is about the other person, and what they need to get over or get through. I still would have liked to have seen those emotions grow and had more time invested. But, the tears come more due to the loss of possibilities.
And then I have to stop and think, "What possibilities?" The possibility of a family...of a life time companion? Why? All those things seem really great, but how many marriages and families do I see that are pretty fucked up? I'm actually pretty lucky. I'm sure there are a lot of women stuck in their marriages and in their families that wish they could be me. Relatively young, single, with a freakin' LOT going for me. I come and go as I please. I raise my child as I want. No compromises just to have a nice couch. If I want a nice couch I'll go freakin' buy one...in any color and style I want!
I can take today and tomorrow off from work, and not have to explain to anyone why. And is it really so lonely? I'm sitting here typing away as my two wonderful little kitties are looking out the window wishing they could play tennis with the Indians, too. Around 3 I'll go pick up my beautiful daughter and find out how her day was. And then tonight, I'll pick up my brother-in-law and head to my parent's house to be greeted with hugs and kisses and affection, and then spend an evening watching a comedian with my sister, dad, and BIL. Doesn't sound too lonely at all.
My heart is always in the past, and my head is always in the future. The only thing that remains in the present is my body taking up space. I need my heart and head to be here in the present, too. And that sounds really great right now. Enjoying this...blogging...drinking good coffee.
Yesterday on the radio, the DJs had a conversation about the saddest city in the U.S. Portland wins above all others. And, the initial reaction would be to say of course it is...it's dark and gloomy. Lots of green space and lots of clouds and rain. But, there's another issue they found out too. More smart people live there. More people with college degrees, more people with Master's degrees. If you ask yourself who's happier you or your dog? Your dog would probably win by a landslide. That's because that dog doesn't know any better. The smarter you are the harder time you have with life. Because you question your own existence to no end. There are alwasy possibilities and you don't know which one to take.
This may be the weirdest state of depression I have ever been in. It doesn't seem un-ending. And it doesn't feel hopeless. It feels like something I have to go through to move on. And, I KNOW for once that it will get better. I know that possibilites are endless. I think I know more about who I am, and all the really awesome things there are about me. I think I know that people do like and love me, which is something I've always struggled with. I think...I think I finally know the things I need to do to grow as a person...I think I know what to do...not in all situations that will come about, but I know what I need to do for me. I'm setting a course. And it doesn't mean I can't deviate depending on what twists and turns life takes, but it does mean that I can stand up for myself and I can say what I want and I can do what I want and I can make decisions for myself. Just for me.
And, if this past, short lived relationship is what I needed to see some of that stuff, then I can just chalk it up to a lesson learned. And even with the death of all the dreams and possibilities that that relationship brought...like having a lifetime companion...or maybe one day being a mom again...it's ok. It doesn't mean those possibilities won't eve come about again. It's just the death of those possibilities with that particular person.
I have been really proud of myself for sticking up for what I wanted. For basically saying...this is what I want and I need...and if you can't provide it...then it's all or nothing. But, I'm wondering if I acted out of rage...and hurt...and trying to save myself the pain of what I saw coming. I'm ok with my decision because I do know what I want. But, I'm contemplating the thought that maybe I didn't have enough communication and honesty to make a really, really good decision. It seems like a blur. I can't even remember some things...it almost feels like it never happened. But there's this emptiness...and this strange feeling like when you can't remember if you turned the stove off.
It's hitting me like a ton of bricks today that I haven't been myself in over 4 years. And, now I'm finding that in that time I've grown so much as a person, but I was so unaware of it...that I get confused as to who I'm supposed to be. I'm so busy protecting my feelings and trying to make everyone else happy and having a pity party every other day...I've been on guard for way too long.
I really like the person I am, but it's the person that most people don't see. There's so much protective gear covering me that all the really great parts get covered up. Or all the bad parts take over way too many times. I have the biggest heart in the world, and sometimes I think peope think I'm a cold heartless bitch. I like that I'm sensitive, and sentimental, and emotionals. I should definitely practice some self control. But I at least have passion. And strong feelings towards things. And I wish I could just let people see more of that person that I like so much. I start to let it out and then end up retracting everything I said and being really negative and angry and saying I don't like things when I really do.
I can act pretty cynical and jaded. But, somewhere...I've always believed in things and wished for things and hoped for things. There's always been hope that even with hardships, things were pretty decent in the world...that there were decent people...and maybe one day...one of those people would find me. So, the death I mentioned earlier really comes down to the fact that all those hopes and dreams and wishes get smashed to pieces more and more. That's really what has been taken away from me this time around. This hope that not all people are the same. That some people make promises and keep them.
I don't know what to believe in anymore. But, I am setting that course, and going back to growing as a person. Not being stagnant. I have things to do, damn it!
And with that...I'm going to the gym and cleaning my car. I may even have it detailed. I'm ok with this weird depressive state. Things don't always work out the way you want them to, and people will never do what you want them to, but maybe I can still hang on to a wish or two.
I had another relationship end recently and it's been hard to deal with because of the circumstances. But, the weird thing is when I actually feel myself start to shed a tear about it, I realize that it's not really about the other person. There just wasn't enough time invested, and there weren't deep enough emotions invested. It's sad. And I wish it had not ended. I wish I would have had a snap of reality, that I kind of have now...I might have done things differently. Been myself more. Been the vulnerable, caring person that I am. Been less stand offish. And in the end that probably would not have mattered because I have to remember that it's not all about what I could've done differently. Sometimes it really is about the other person, and what they need to get over or get through. I still would have liked to have seen those emotions grow and had more time invested. But, the tears come more due to the loss of possibilities.
And then I have to stop and think, "What possibilities?" The possibility of a family...of a life time companion? Why? All those things seem really great, but how many marriages and families do I see that are pretty fucked up? I'm actually pretty lucky. I'm sure there are a lot of women stuck in their marriages and in their families that wish they could be me. Relatively young, single, with a freakin' LOT going for me. I come and go as I please. I raise my child as I want. No compromises just to have a nice couch. If I want a nice couch I'll go freakin' buy one...in any color and style I want!
I can take today and tomorrow off from work, and not have to explain to anyone why. And is it really so lonely? I'm sitting here typing away as my two wonderful little kitties are looking out the window wishing they could play tennis with the Indians, too. Around 3 I'll go pick up my beautiful daughter and find out how her day was. And then tonight, I'll pick up my brother-in-law and head to my parent's house to be greeted with hugs and kisses and affection, and then spend an evening watching a comedian with my sister, dad, and BIL. Doesn't sound too lonely at all.
My heart is always in the past, and my head is always in the future. The only thing that remains in the present is my body taking up space. I need my heart and head to be here in the present, too. And that sounds really great right now. Enjoying this...blogging...drinking good coffee.
Yesterday on the radio, the DJs had a conversation about the saddest city in the U.S. Portland wins above all others. And, the initial reaction would be to say of course it is...it's dark and gloomy. Lots of green space and lots of clouds and rain. But, there's another issue they found out too. More smart people live there. More people with college degrees, more people with Master's degrees. If you ask yourself who's happier you or your dog? Your dog would probably win by a landslide. That's because that dog doesn't know any better. The smarter you are the harder time you have with life. Because you question your own existence to no end. There are alwasy possibilities and you don't know which one to take.
This may be the weirdest state of depression I have ever been in. It doesn't seem un-ending. And it doesn't feel hopeless. It feels like something I have to go through to move on. And, I KNOW for once that it will get better. I know that possibilites are endless. I think I know more about who I am, and all the really awesome things there are about me. I think I know that people do like and love me, which is something I've always struggled with. I think...I think I finally know the things I need to do to grow as a person...I think I know what to do...not in all situations that will come about, but I know what I need to do for me. I'm setting a course. And it doesn't mean I can't deviate depending on what twists and turns life takes, but it does mean that I can stand up for myself and I can say what I want and I can do what I want and I can make decisions for myself. Just for me.
And, if this past, short lived relationship is what I needed to see some of that stuff, then I can just chalk it up to a lesson learned. And even with the death of all the dreams and possibilities that that relationship brought...like having a lifetime companion...or maybe one day being a mom again...it's ok. It doesn't mean those possibilities won't eve come about again. It's just the death of those possibilities with that particular person.
I have been really proud of myself for sticking up for what I wanted. For basically saying...this is what I want and I need...and if you can't provide it...then it's all or nothing. But, I'm wondering if I acted out of rage...and hurt...and trying to save myself the pain of what I saw coming. I'm ok with my decision because I do know what I want. But, I'm contemplating the thought that maybe I didn't have enough communication and honesty to make a really, really good decision. It seems like a blur. I can't even remember some things...it almost feels like it never happened. But there's this emptiness...and this strange feeling like when you can't remember if you turned the stove off.
It's hitting me like a ton of bricks today that I haven't been myself in over 4 years. And, now I'm finding that in that time I've grown so much as a person, but I was so unaware of it...that I get confused as to who I'm supposed to be. I'm so busy protecting my feelings and trying to make everyone else happy and having a pity party every other day...I've been on guard for way too long.
I really like the person I am, but it's the person that most people don't see. There's so much protective gear covering me that all the really great parts get covered up. Or all the bad parts take over way too many times. I have the biggest heart in the world, and sometimes I think peope think I'm a cold heartless bitch. I like that I'm sensitive, and sentimental, and emotionals. I should definitely practice some self control. But I at least have passion. And strong feelings towards things. And I wish I could just let people see more of that person that I like so much. I start to let it out and then end up retracting everything I said and being really negative and angry and saying I don't like things when I really do.
I can act pretty cynical and jaded. But, somewhere...I've always believed in things and wished for things and hoped for things. There's always been hope that even with hardships, things were pretty decent in the world...that there were decent people...and maybe one day...one of those people would find me. So, the death I mentioned earlier really comes down to the fact that all those hopes and dreams and wishes get smashed to pieces more and more. That's really what has been taken away from me this time around. This hope that not all people are the same. That some people make promises and keep them.
I don't know what to believe in anymore. But, I am setting that course, and going back to growing as a person. Not being stagnant. I have things to do, damn it!
And with that...I'm going to the gym and cleaning my car. I may even have it detailed. I'm ok with this weird depressive state. Things don't always work out the way you want them to, and people will never do what you want them to, but maybe I can still hang on to a wish or two.
Comments
I wish people wouldn't measure their lives by what other people do. You see some of your friends getting married, having kids, getting jobs before you or whatever, and it's so easy to want the same things. Just then you realize, this is YOUR life, and everything will happen that's meant to happen for you. I learned that when I was 30. So I'm gonna be as happy as my cats are and just say FUCK IT. :lol:
Losing my mom has taught me a lot about life, people, and how not to take ANYTHING for granted. Even my simple, yet happy little ol' life. You have much to celebrate. So get to celebratin'!