How does she know? I don't know, but she just does. Well, she doesn't really. I don't think it's a concious thing at all, but somehow, I believe, something clicks in her brain.
I'm taking about my best friend of 15 year, Jess. I'm down a lot of days, and sometimes I have days where severe depression kicks in. I'm tryng to live with this "disease". Trying to find all different kinds of ways of dealing with it, but sometimes I crash.
Lately, Jess and I haven't been talking 3 or 4 times a week on the phone. She just bought a house and is fixing it up with E, and I've been busy with work and friends and stuff. But, on those days when I'm so low I don't know what to do...there she is, calling me. Talking...laughing...making plans.
She has to know. On some weird telepathic level. If I haven't spoken to her on the phone in 2 weeks (we still email), how would she know to call specifically on this night...when I was having a severe low point. The kind of low point that makes me stay in my car after going to the store and listiening to Sting's Shape of My Heart and smoking a cigarette. She couldn't have known. I was perfectly fine during this past week when we emailed. And, so was she. This isn't the first time this has happened either. Under the same circumstances she called me a few months ago, and we talked for hours. I think I wrote a blog about that one, too, but MySpace was being dumb and not working and deleted it all.
I can't even tell you how much better it makes me feel. All I have to do is say, "I'm so stressed out!" or "I'm so pissed right now" and then she'll ask why I didn't call her, and I say some bullshit, and she'll say, "Ok...breathe...and tell me what happened." And that's all it takes. I give her a real short run down. She gives me a very short, very blunt opinion, and we're done...and talking about things that make us happy.
What a lovely friendship that I formed 16 years ago. I would never have guessed that when we were 15 and I was...well, I was just a mess in so many ways...and she was a mess finding herself...that we would be talking about Eric, her husband and how much we all love him...and talking about my daughter that I never thought I would be able to have...and talking about her first baby that will be sure to soon be on its way (she's not pregnant, yet, just planning...for SOON!).
And I love this. Eric and Jessica have done so much for me. Been there at every bad and good point in my life. They send me cards (yes, real cards, not emails) when I graduate, when I got my current job...whenever anything happens. They make sure that even if I'm broke (like really broke the way I was back in the day) I can still join in on their lives...like paying for ME to be at their wedding. After the stupid ex got beat up outside a bar and his wallet stollen, they sent him the $200.00 he had stolen to pay his rent. If I go out there to visit, I can do whatever I want. If I want to stay up till 4 am getting platered on wine...done. If I want to get laid...done. If I want to sit on the couch watching The Tudors, eating gross Fritos and cheese dip...done.
I can't even call her my best friend anymore. The truth is that I have friends here in SA like Dre, Josh, and my sister that are just as much my best friends, but Jess and her family...and now Eric...are my family. They're a part of it. Jess to me is like having a second sister (maybe not as important as my real sister, but right up there!). They are my family. Going to visit them can be stressful...and it can get tense with annoyances, but in the end...it would be like going to stay with your family at the holidays. You still love each other that much.
Jess's family has always been a 2nd family to me. They welcome me with the warmest arms evey time I see them (even though I'm the one that made their daughter start smoking and drinking :) And, now, with the addition of Eric, I'm even luckier. I suppose there are many best friends out there who's friendships end once one of them gets married. Or there's some jealousy involved, or the friend doesn't like the husband. That's not true in this case at all. Eric has become just as much a part of my life as Jess is. He emails me on his own. When I call he wants to talk to me, too. He always wants to know what's going on in my life. He's fun and easy to talk to. When we went to Colorado, Eric and I had our own little snow/coffee adventure of our own. And, when I get too drunk, he covers me with a blanket and puts some Aleve and water by my bed (and TUMS, it's his new thing...he thinks we're all just old and our stomachs are fucked, and we should live on TUMS...and he's kind of right, but I like to fight him on it). I can tell him anything...I don't have to be all secretive just with Jess and act weird around him like he's gonna get pissed (except for making a mess...I can see the cringing when my suitcase is taking up space! ha ha). I coulnd't have asked for a better guy for my longest friend to have married. You can't help but love that guy.
How lucky am I to have those two people...along with the other great people...in my life?
I know...I've gone on and one about them, but it's just because I was in such a severe state of depression and anxiety...and now it's just gone...completely disapated. And that's what love from true friends should do for you. Sometimes you just need someone to take your mind off of things...or get you thinking about the things that are out there that are worth fighting for...or hoping for...and that with as many people that you meet that disappoint the hell out of you? There are still some that are just "good people". And that's what they are.
And now, we will soon get to start planning for a baby! Maybe next year sometime I can fly out to DC and hold Jess' new little baby boy or girl...the same way that she flew here when Gabby was 3 weeks old just to be with us. We had breast pump adventures, and sleeping issues, and clothes not fitting because Gabby was so small. And then she came out again when Gabby was 8 months old and we had stroller issues going downtown...and Gabby ate all of our super expensive shrimp appetizer at Paseano's. Jess let me sleep in one morning while she got up with Gabby and they watched Gone with the Wind together. And she's been here the whole way...she visited again at age 2...and age 5 and 6 and 8. And that's always been so great to have her be around this little part of me that she loves, too. It's the same thing with my sister...family stuff is so weird...but, here's this little part of me...Gabby...that everyone loves just as much if not more than they love me. I love that my sister and Gabby have "Aunt Carolyn and Gabby" days.
And I have gotten so much love through that. I can't wait to give that same kind of love back to Jess and Eric's baby...or my sister's if she ever has one. These are the creatures that are the extensions of ourselves...of the people we love.
I feel so much better than I was. I don't know. Work is getting to me hard core. My little work crush is really starting to aggravate me. I have a huge project to work on, plus another one for my team. I'm frustrated with the gym because I have a huge blister that turned into a huge scab and won't go away, and I can't put my tennis shoes on. I'm frustrated with myself for going along with the flow too much, as I do, but then it disables me when I do want to speak up and do what I want to do, or have my own opinions. I feel sometimes like being around ANY one makes me lose part of myself. And, it's my own fault. I should ALWAYS speak my own mind...say what I want to say...stop being a chameleon and blending...only to have to back track and say, "No, this is really me." But, it's hard....that is who I am...the chameleon...and the peolple pleaser. I need to be pleased, too.
I am going to finish eating my little bag of Pecan Sandies (DELICIOUS!) and finish my glass of Barefoot Chardonnay (my number one favorite wine!) and then decide if I'm going to watch a movie, or head out on the town with some friends.
Oh, by the way, the dye job on my hair? I think it's a little too dark, and of course, I never like my hair that much after Jeff styles it...I need to do my own thing...but, I feel more like myself and my self esteem has risen maybe 10% because of it.
My whole point...I have really great people in my life...most of them are tangible, but some of them are not...and yet...even the untangible is so linked that they just know. And...life is not gloom and doom. I feel like it is sometimes...but if in the end I can always laugh at my own demise...I think I'll be ok, because really hope is the most important thing. And, in my case, and against what the rest of the world says...There is always tomorrow. And you never know what will happen! Yes, I will try to live for today...but sometimes today really sucks...so, in the words of our dear Scarlett, "After all, tomorrow is another day." And it is. Another day to always try to start fresh. Make a clean slate. New memories to make. I will never be one of those people that wants to give up too early.
Even though our experiences and memories and time spent may sometimes seem mundane and boring and maybe not the most fun we've ever had. I wouldn't trade any of it. If it becomes part of my memory? Even if it's to say to someone else, "Wow! You remember that night? Can you believe how much it sucked?", that's a memory. That's part of your history. And I want to make my history until it is taken away from me.
We're here. Alive. For what reason? I don't know. But here we are. And, I do believe that you can choose to be happy or not be happy. Sometimes your brain might get the better of you, but you get through it, and life goes on. I don't know why any of us are here...and I don't know what our purposes are...but, we are here. And I try, even if not always successfully, to find a little thing that makes me happy everyday. Like, my first cigarette on my drive to work, or Gabby giving me a good morning hug, or Gabby when she walks in wearing the most god awful thing you've ever seen and says, "Can I wear this to school today?"...it makes me laugh...or a phone call from my very dear friend in the evening to talk about our days...or a phone conversation with my sister talking about "reality TV people" like they are part of our real life. Or Black Hawk snuggling up to me in the morning, or Apache climbing up my body on the bed to look me right in the eye with water hanging from his chin. Or a good morning from anyone at work...and especially my morning phone calls with Maria and my afternoon talks with Barb...and my occassional talks with the "work crush". Even calling my dad and him saying, "Is this my number 2 daughter?" which used to hurt my feelings, now just makes me think, "That's my dad. I love him."
Or talking to my mom. I am the luckiest person alive to have the mom I have. No, really, I am. I've seen other people's relationships with their moms. And, no, my mom is not perfect, and she has sometimes been very hard for me to get along with, but in the end...she's the one I call first for everything. A promotion? Call my mom. A break up? Call my mom? Have a fight with Gabby and feel bad? Call my mom? And, no, she doesn't always make me feel better with her words, but I think just being able to go to her makes me feel better. Sometimes she frustrates me...but she is the only person on this planet that would make me not want to live if she were gone...besides Gabby.
As sappy as this all was...I'm feeling pretty good. Ok. I think I will stay in, and watch a movie...fall asleep, get up and work out with Ray Ray.....who was "Ray Ray the Killer"...but before that he was known as "Ray Ray the Savior" because he saved me from another god awful trainer after "Aaron the Beast" left me. And, I think I like him better that way...Ray Ray the Savior. It's true. I walk into that gym depressed...not happy...and walk out a better person...having worked my body, laughed, and talked...and I have a great time. It's time I show him some results for all of his hard work and most of all patience.
After all...tomorrow is another day.
I'm taking about my best friend of 15 year, Jess. I'm down a lot of days, and sometimes I have days where severe depression kicks in. I'm tryng to live with this "disease". Trying to find all different kinds of ways of dealing with it, but sometimes I crash.
Lately, Jess and I haven't been talking 3 or 4 times a week on the phone. She just bought a house and is fixing it up with E, and I've been busy with work and friends and stuff. But, on those days when I'm so low I don't know what to do...there she is, calling me. Talking...laughing...making plans.
She has to know. On some weird telepathic level. If I haven't spoken to her on the phone in 2 weeks (we still email), how would she know to call specifically on this night...when I was having a severe low point. The kind of low point that makes me stay in my car after going to the store and listiening to Sting's Shape of My Heart and smoking a cigarette. She couldn't have known. I was perfectly fine during this past week when we emailed. And, so was she. This isn't the first time this has happened either. Under the same circumstances she called me a few months ago, and we talked for hours. I think I wrote a blog about that one, too, but MySpace was being dumb and not working and deleted it all.
I can't even tell you how much better it makes me feel. All I have to do is say, "I'm so stressed out!" or "I'm so pissed right now" and then she'll ask why I didn't call her, and I say some bullshit, and she'll say, "Ok...breathe...and tell me what happened." And that's all it takes. I give her a real short run down. She gives me a very short, very blunt opinion, and we're done...and talking about things that make us happy.
What a lovely friendship that I formed 16 years ago. I would never have guessed that when we were 15 and I was...well, I was just a mess in so many ways...and she was a mess finding herself...that we would be talking about Eric, her husband and how much we all love him...and talking about my daughter that I never thought I would be able to have...and talking about her first baby that will be sure to soon be on its way (she's not pregnant, yet, just planning...for SOON!).
And I love this. Eric and Jessica have done so much for me. Been there at every bad and good point in my life. They send me cards (yes, real cards, not emails) when I graduate, when I got my current job...whenever anything happens. They make sure that even if I'm broke (like really broke the way I was back in the day) I can still join in on their lives...like paying for ME to be at their wedding. After the stupid ex got beat up outside a bar and his wallet stollen, they sent him the $200.00 he had stolen to pay his rent. If I go out there to visit, I can do whatever I want. If I want to stay up till 4 am getting platered on wine...done. If I want to get laid...done. If I want to sit on the couch watching The Tudors, eating gross Fritos and cheese dip...done.
I can't even call her my best friend anymore. The truth is that I have friends here in SA like Dre, Josh, and my sister that are just as much my best friends, but Jess and her family...and now Eric...are my family. They're a part of it. Jess to me is like having a second sister (maybe not as important as my real sister, but right up there!). They are my family. Going to visit them can be stressful...and it can get tense with annoyances, but in the end...it would be like going to stay with your family at the holidays. You still love each other that much.
Jess's family has always been a 2nd family to me. They welcome me with the warmest arms evey time I see them (even though I'm the one that made their daughter start smoking and drinking :) And, now, with the addition of Eric, I'm even luckier. I suppose there are many best friends out there who's friendships end once one of them gets married. Or there's some jealousy involved, or the friend doesn't like the husband. That's not true in this case at all. Eric has become just as much a part of my life as Jess is. He emails me on his own. When I call he wants to talk to me, too. He always wants to know what's going on in my life. He's fun and easy to talk to. When we went to Colorado, Eric and I had our own little snow/coffee adventure of our own. And, when I get too drunk, he covers me with a blanket and puts some Aleve and water by my bed (and TUMS, it's his new thing...he thinks we're all just old and our stomachs are fucked, and we should live on TUMS...and he's kind of right, but I like to fight him on it). I can tell him anything...I don't have to be all secretive just with Jess and act weird around him like he's gonna get pissed (except for making a mess...I can see the cringing when my suitcase is taking up space! ha ha). I coulnd't have asked for a better guy for my longest friend to have married. You can't help but love that guy.
How lucky am I to have those two people...along with the other great people...in my life?
I know...I've gone on and one about them, but it's just because I was in such a severe state of depression and anxiety...and now it's just gone...completely disapated. And that's what love from true friends should do for you. Sometimes you just need someone to take your mind off of things...or get you thinking about the things that are out there that are worth fighting for...or hoping for...and that with as many people that you meet that disappoint the hell out of you? There are still some that are just "good people". And that's what they are.
And now, we will soon get to start planning for a baby! Maybe next year sometime I can fly out to DC and hold Jess' new little baby boy or girl...the same way that she flew here when Gabby was 3 weeks old just to be with us. We had breast pump adventures, and sleeping issues, and clothes not fitting because Gabby was so small. And then she came out again when Gabby was 8 months old and we had stroller issues going downtown...and Gabby ate all of our super expensive shrimp appetizer at Paseano's. Jess let me sleep in one morning while she got up with Gabby and they watched Gone with the Wind together. And she's been here the whole way...she visited again at age 2...and age 5 and 6 and 8. And that's always been so great to have her be around this little part of me that she loves, too. It's the same thing with my sister...family stuff is so weird...but, here's this little part of me...Gabby...that everyone loves just as much if not more than they love me. I love that my sister and Gabby have "Aunt Carolyn and Gabby" days.
And I have gotten so much love through that. I can't wait to give that same kind of love back to Jess and Eric's baby...or my sister's if she ever has one. These are the creatures that are the extensions of ourselves...of the people we love.
I feel so much better than I was. I don't know. Work is getting to me hard core. My little work crush is really starting to aggravate me. I have a huge project to work on, plus another one for my team. I'm frustrated with the gym because I have a huge blister that turned into a huge scab and won't go away, and I can't put my tennis shoes on. I'm frustrated with myself for going along with the flow too much, as I do, but then it disables me when I do want to speak up and do what I want to do, or have my own opinions. I feel sometimes like being around ANY one makes me lose part of myself. And, it's my own fault. I should ALWAYS speak my own mind...say what I want to say...stop being a chameleon and blending...only to have to back track and say, "No, this is really me." But, it's hard....that is who I am...the chameleon...and the peolple pleaser. I need to be pleased, too.
I am going to finish eating my little bag of Pecan Sandies (DELICIOUS!) and finish my glass of Barefoot Chardonnay (my number one favorite wine!) and then decide if I'm going to watch a movie, or head out on the town with some friends.
Oh, by the way, the dye job on my hair? I think it's a little too dark, and of course, I never like my hair that much after Jeff styles it...I need to do my own thing...but, I feel more like myself and my self esteem has risen maybe 10% because of it.
My whole point...I have really great people in my life...most of them are tangible, but some of them are not...and yet...even the untangible is so linked that they just know. And...life is not gloom and doom. I feel like it is sometimes...but if in the end I can always laugh at my own demise...I think I'll be ok, because really hope is the most important thing. And, in my case, and against what the rest of the world says...There is always tomorrow. And you never know what will happen! Yes, I will try to live for today...but sometimes today really sucks...so, in the words of our dear Scarlett, "After all, tomorrow is another day." And it is. Another day to always try to start fresh. Make a clean slate. New memories to make. I will never be one of those people that wants to give up too early.
Even though our experiences and memories and time spent may sometimes seem mundane and boring and maybe not the most fun we've ever had. I wouldn't trade any of it. If it becomes part of my memory? Even if it's to say to someone else, "Wow! You remember that night? Can you believe how much it sucked?", that's a memory. That's part of your history. And I want to make my history until it is taken away from me.
We're here. Alive. For what reason? I don't know. But here we are. And, I do believe that you can choose to be happy or not be happy. Sometimes your brain might get the better of you, but you get through it, and life goes on. I don't know why any of us are here...and I don't know what our purposes are...but, we are here. And I try, even if not always successfully, to find a little thing that makes me happy everyday. Like, my first cigarette on my drive to work, or Gabby giving me a good morning hug, or Gabby when she walks in wearing the most god awful thing you've ever seen and says, "Can I wear this to school today?"...it makes me laugh...or a phone call from my very dear friend in the evening to talk about our days...or a phone conversation with my sister talking about "reality TV people" like they are part of our real life. Or Black Hawk snuggling up to me in the morning, or Apache climbing up my body on the bed to look me right in the eye with water hanging from his chin. Or a good morning from anyone at work...and especially my morning phone calls with Maria and my afternoon talks with Barb...and my occassional talks with the "work crush". Even calling my dad and him saying, "Is this my number 2 daughter?" which used to hurt my feelings, now just makes me think, "That's my dad. I love him."
Or talking to my mom. I am the luckiest person alive to have the mom I have. No, really, I am. I've seen other people's relationships with their moms. And, no, my mom is not perfect, and she has sometimes been very hard for me to get along with, but in the end...she's the one I call first for everything. A promotion? Call my mom. A break up? Call my mom? Have a fight with Gabby and feel bad? Call my mom? And, no, she doesn't always make me feel better with her words, but I think just being able to go to her makes me feel better. Sometimes she frustrates me...but she is the only person on this planet that would make me not want to live if she were gone...besides Gabby.
As sappy as this all was...I'm feeling pretty good. Ok. I think I will stay in, and watch a movie...fall asleep, get up and work out with Ray Ray.....who was "Ray Ray the Killer"...but before that he was known as "Ray Ray the Savior" because he saved me from another god awful trainer after "Aaron the Beast" left me. And, I think I like him better that way...Ray Ray the Savior. It's true. I walk into that gym depressed...not happy...and walk out a better person...having worked my body, laughed, and talked...and I have a great time. It's time I show him some results for all of his hard work and most of all patience.
After all...tomorrow is another day.
Comments
We've always had great tastes in bathroom stuff!
You're so fortunate to have that. Most of the friends I've had who got married or coupled seemed to drop off the face of the earth. Not only after they got married or whatever, but especially after they had kids. You guys are so far away and have the BEST relationship ever!!!!! That really kicks ass. And I'm SOOO jealous!
Tomorrow is always another day. You never know what it'll bring.