I've been thinking alot about the way that certain people come into your life specifically for reasons. Usually I don't think that way. My friends are my friends and my family is my family and my aquaintances are my aquaintances. But maybe that's not really the way of it.
Let's take Gabby for example. Before she was born, and then when she was a baby...I had these dreams of having a tom boy girl...a tough little thing. But she's not. Not at all. She can be very sensitive. She also has a big problem with hurrying up. EVERYTHING she does...she does as slow as possible. But maybe she is the way she is because I'm supposed to learn something. I think that I'm supposed to learn about the way that I was as a child. And I think she's definitely teaching me about patience, which is something that I DO NOT posess. I'm having to learn how to deal with a person that is so unlike me! I mean when I was little I was very much like her. But as I've gotten older I am all about how quick I can get things done, and I'm all about sucking up when something "hurts". But, that hasn't made me a better person. If anything it's made me an anxious freak! I have to be a lot more patient and sensitive with her if I don't want her to grow up to be like me. And I think maybe she specifically is in my life to teach me that.
This is a little rough for me to disclose, but I've never had any qualms about my life being an open book before...so here goes....before I had Gabby, I was pregnant twice befoe. The first time I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. The second time, I had a miscarriage at almost 5 months. That one was hard. And it was a boy. I don't know if the first one was a boy, but I think it's highly probable. I think that because I used to have reoccuring dreams about this two-year old little girl with dark brown curly hair....and 4 months after the second miscarriage I was pregnant with Gabby. And when she turned two...I remember looking at her one day, and thinking, "Oh my god! That's the little girl from my dreams!" She was absolutely meant to be. HER...Her exact person was meant to be in my life. The first two miscarriages, the fact that they were boys, the fact that I dreamed about her...it all leads to some weird conclusions, that Gabby was meant to be. And maybe that's why I haven't had any more children. Maybe it was meant to be just her...and I haven't done a very good job of letting her know how much she means to me...and how much I love her...if anything...her current age is really annoying to me, and I think I let it show way too much. But if she only knew and could understand that I KNOW she was meant to be my child...maybe my only child...and how much that means to me....I just wish she could understand that...and not think that I don't like her. I'm not certain what her role is meant to be in my life....but I see pieces of the puzzle more and more everyday. That girl is the love of my life.
Ok, now that I cried through that whole thing....there are other people that I'm thinking come into your life to teach you things, and maybe in unexpected ways. Let's take my boss...who I think I could fall in love with. Seriously, I have the biggest crush on him. But nothing will ever happen...he's my boss...and he has a girlfriend, etc. But, maybe he's in my life for a reason, too. And not for me to end up with him. Maybe he's part of the reason that JC and I broke up and I got this job all in the same week. I think he's showing me a couple of different things. One...I think he's showing me, finally, the kind of man that I want to be with. Someone who is confident, and funny, and smart, and most important...he's silly AND responsible. I need that silliness in my partner...but it's so hard to find that combined with someone also being a productive citizen. And maybe the fact that I know he likes me...maybe not on the level I would wish for...but knowing that he likes me as a person let's me know that someday...somewhere...I could find the same thing...and I won't always have to think that all I deserve are people that treat me like shit. Two...I think he has way more confidence in my abilities than I do. And I think he really thinks that I could do great things. And I don't really think that about myself. I'm a very reluctant over-achiever. I prefer to be lazy. But he pushes me to do things that I didn't think I could do. So...I might have to live with the fact that I've finally found someone that I think I could be with...that I deserve...and it probably won't happen...but if I look at in terms of him being there for those purposes...then he was meant to be in my life for a very big purpose.
I could go on and on. Like the couple of guys that sat and talked to me in the Denver airport while I waited for Jess and Eric to get there. They came along and talked to me and seemed interested in me...when I was feeling not so great about myself. Just little people that I will never see again, but for that moment gave me a better look at what other people might see in me, that I just don't some of the time.
There's my sister...who is the closest thing in the world to me. I love her so much! My little family has a very strange bond. I think it comes from the fact that my dad was in the military, and we NEVER lived anywher near our extended family. It was just the four of us. For most of our lives. And even with the addition of Gabby and my brother-in-law...when the original four get together, it's a completely different dynamic. One that works...and is so comfortable. And I think right now, my sister is in a similar place that I was years ago...and it's so strange because she's my older sister....but right now I feel like the big sister....and I want to give her all the knowledge and wisdom that I have gained....We've been goig to breakfast every Sunday morning, and I love it. I hope she never leaves SA again. I don't know what I would do if she wasn't here anymore. She makes me see reality, which is something that I need...alot of the time. I live too much in my head.
I've done this a hundred times before...gone over the people in my life that I care about, but never thought of it the way I am lately. Jess? She's been there for everything. And she doesn't allow me to "wallow", which sometimes I think is insensitive, but if I didn't have that...maybe I wouldn't be learning how to suck things up. I'm planning on going to visit her in March. I already picked the dates, and got them off from work. I just need to buy my plane ticket. And then the other day, I realized that without it being planned...I'll be there on St. Patrick's Day. Which is the day, one year ago, that JC and I broke up. And although "all of that" is all good....the holidays, and special events in this past year have caused me to break down on occassion...so how weird is it that it was unplanned that I wouldn't be here in SA, but instead I'll be with Jess and Eric on the very last "event" of this past year in my journey of getting better...and getting over all that betrayal, and JC? I'm not sure it's such a coincidence.
Andrea and I must have become friends again for some reason, too. Especially since our friendship is so much better than it was when I was with JC. It's nice to have a girlfriend. And she teaches me things all the time. I think she's taught me a lot about self-esteem...and also not taking myself so seriously. And, I hope I'm teaching her things, too. But there has to be a reason that we came back together. Because it would have been easy to...not. We don't have the same kind of lives and friends. But there's something there...some kind of purpose.
And, even though I don't really want to think about it...maybe there's a reason that Josh was my BEST FRIEND for 4 years...and now, he's not really my friend at all. I haven't written about this, but shortly after JC and I broke up, Josh got a girlfriend. And, the truth is I AM really happy for him. He's happy. But at the same time....he has completely changed. He stopped callling, stopped hanging out. I don't know if his new girlfriend has said something about him being my friend...or if it's just him. And the part that hurt the most is that he wasn't there for me during the worst part of my gettig over the asshole. I had to do it on my own. I feel abandoned and betrayed by him, and it really, really hurts. But maybe he was only supposed to be in my life for those four years. He definitely took care of me...he was definitely my only friend for a long time...when I didn't have time to have friends with school and everything. He let me be the real me....and I'm really sad that that's gone.
I don't know what all this means...I just know that maybe your friends and family are not just random things in life that you "get" and appreciate. Maybe there's a bigger picture. I mean we could have been born into any family...and there are billions of people on earth to be friends with. So, each person...as they are...has to be there for a reason. Same thing with all the GREAT people I've met through this blog. At the beginning, a lot of people read my blog, and I could have become "close" to anyone of them. But now I've got Stephanie who leaves me the sweetest messages on MySpace, and Jacq who has read and responded to each and everyone of my very tearful emails during hard time....and Schwenk is back in my life always with words of encoragement, and laughter, and support.
I'm crying my eyes out, and feeling very sad...which is why I'm so screwed up...because right now...at this moment...I should be feeling very full...and lucky!
Let's take Gabby for example. Before she was born, and then when she was a baby...I had these dreams of having a tom boy girl...a tough little thing. But she's not. Not at all. She can be very sensitive. She also has a big problem with hurrying up. EVERYTHING she does...she does as slow as possible. But maybe she is the way she is because I'm supposed to learn something. I think that I'm supposed to learn about the way that I was as a child. And I think she's definitely teaching me about patience, which is something that I DO NOT posess. I'm having to learn how to deal with a person that is so unlike me! I mean when I was little I was very much like her. But as I've gotten older I am all about how quick I can get things done, and I'm all about sucking up when something "hurts". But, that hasn't made me a better person. If anything it's made me an anxious freak! I have to be a lot more patient and sensitive with her if I don't want her to grow up to be like me. And I think maybe she specifically is in my life to teach me that.
This is a little rough for me to disclose, but I've never had any qualms about my life being an open book before...so here goes....before I had Gabby, I was pregnant twice befoe. The first time I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. The second time, I had a miscarriage at almost 5 months. That one was hard. And it was a boy. I don't know if the first one was a boy, but I think it's highly probable. I think that because I used to have reoccuring dreams about this two-year old little girl with dark brown curly hair....and 4 months after the second miscarriage I was pregnant with Gabby. And when she turned two...I remember looking at her one day, and thinking, "Oh my god! That's the little girl from my dreams!" She was absolutely meant to be. HER...Her exact person was meant to be in my life. The first two miscarriages, the fact that they were boys, the fact that I dreamed about her...it all leads to some weird conclusions, that Gabby was meant to be. And maybe that's why I haven't had any more children. Maybe it was meant to be just her...and I haven't done a very good job of letting her know how much she means to me...and how much I love her...if anything...her current age is really annoying to me, and I think I let it show way too much. But if she only knew and could understand that I KNOW she was meant to be my child...maybe my only child...and how much that means to me....I just wish she could understand that...and not think that I don't like her. I'm not certain what her role is meant to be in my life....but I see pieces of the puzzle more and more everyday. That girl is the love of my life.
Ok, now that I cried through that whole thing....there are other people that I'm thinking come into your life to teach you things, and maybe in unexpected ways. Let's take my boss...who I think I could fall in love with. Seriously, I have the biggest crush on him. But nothing will ever happen...he's my boss...and he has a girlfriend, etc. But, maybe he's in my life for a reason, too. And not for me to end up with him. Maybe he's part of the reason that JC and I broke up and I got this job all in the same week. I think he's showing me a couple of different things. One...I think he's showing me, finally, the kind of man that I want to be with. Someone who is confident, and funny, and smart, and most important...he's silly AND responsible. I need that silliness in my partner...but it's so hard to find that combined with someone also being a productive citizen. And maybe the fact that I know he likes me...maybe not on the level I would wish for...but knowing that he likes me as a person let's me know that someday...somewhere...I could find the same thing...and I won't always have to think that all I deserve are people that treat me like shit. Two...I think he has way more confidence in my abilities than I do. And I think he really thinks that I could do great things. And I don't really think that about myself. I'm a very reluctant over-achiever. I prefer to be lazy. But he pushes me to do things that I didn't think I could do. So...I might have to live with the fact that I've finally found someone that I think I could be with...that I deserve...and it probably won't happen...but if I look at in terms of him being there for those purposes...then he was meant to be in my life for a very big purpose.
I could go on and on. Like the couple of guys that sat and talked to me in the Denver airport while I waited for Jess and Eric to get there. They came along and talked to me and seemed interested in me...when I was feeling not so great about myself. Just little people that I will never see again, but for that moment gave me a better look at what other people might see in me, that I just don't some of the time.
There's my sister...who is the closest thing in the world to me. I love her so much! My little family has a very strange bond. I think it comes from the fact that my dad was in the military, and we NEVER lived anywher near our extended family. It was just the four of us. For most of our lives. And even with the addition of Gabby and my brother-in-law...when the original four get together, it's a completely different dynamic. One that works...and is so comfortable. And I think right now, my sister is in a similar place that I was years ago...and it's so strange because she's my older sister....but right now I feel like the big sister....and I want to give her all the knowledge and wisdom that I have gained....We've been goig to breakfast every Sunday morning, and I love it. I hope she never leaves SA again. I don't know what I would do if she wasn't here anymore. She makes me see reality, which is something that I need...alot of the time. I live too much in my head.
I've done this a hundred times before...gone over the people in my life that I care about, but never thought of it the way I am lately. Jess? She's been there for everything. And she doesn't allow me to "wallow", which sometimes I think is insensitive, but if I didn't have that...maybe I wouldn't be learning how to suck things up. I'm planning on going to visit her in March. I already picked the dates, and got them off from work. I just need to buy my plane ticket. And then the other day, I realized that without it being planned...I'll be there on St. Patrick's Day. Which is the day, one year ago, that JC and I broke up. And although "all of that" is all good....the holidays, and special events in this past year have caused me to break down on occassion...so how weird is it that it was unplanned that I wouldn't be here in SA, but instead I'll be with Jess and Eric on the very last "event" of this past year in my journey of getting better...and getting over all that betrayal, and JC? I'm not sure it's such a coincidence.
Andrea and I must have become friends again for some reason, too. Especially since our friendship is so much better than it was when I was with JC. It's nice to have a girlfriend. And she teaches me things all the time. I think she's taught me a lot about self-esteem...and also not taking myself so seriously. And, I hope I'm teaching her things, too. But there has to be a reason that we came back together. Because it would have been easy to...not. We don't have the same kind of lives and friends. But there's something there...some kind of purpose.
And, even though I don't really want to think about it...maybe there's a reason that Josh was my BEST FRIEND for 4 years...and now, he's not really my friend at all. I haven't written about this, but shortly after JC and I broke up, Josh got a girlfriend. And, the truth is I AM really happy for him. He's happy. But at the same time....he has completely changed. He stopped callling, stopped hanging out. I don't know if his new girlfriend has said something about him being my friend...or if it's just him. And the part that hurt the most is that he wasn't there for me during the worst part of my gettig over the asshole. I had to do it on my own. I feel abandoned and betrayed by him, and it really, really hurts. But maybe he was only supposed to be in my life for those four years. He definitely took care of me...he was definitely my only friend for a long time...when I didn't have time to have friends with school and everything. He let me be the real me....and I'm really sad that that's gone.
I don't know what all this means...I just know that maybe your friends and family are not just random things in life that you "get" and appreciate. Maybe there's a bigger picture. I mean we could have been born into any family...and there are billions of people on earth to be friends with. So, each person...as they are...has to be there for a reason. Same thing with all the GREAT people I've met through this blog. At the beginning, a lot of people read my blog, and I could have become "close" to anyone of them. But now I've got Stephanie who leaves me the sweetest messages on MySpace, and Jacq who has read and responded to each and everyone of my very tearful emails during hard time....and Schwenk is back in my life always with words of encoragement, and laughter, and support.
I'm crying my eyes out, and feeling very sad...which is why I'm so screwed up...because right now...at this moment...I should be feeling very full...and lucky!
Comments
I truly understand what you mean about unexpected people coming into your life and unexpected things happening. I feel blessed every day to have Missi and Tanner in my life. As well as everyone else who kept me sane during my life storm in 2007. Between losing my job and my mom within a nine month period, I could have easily lost my mind.
But I didn't. Life is all about change and making the most of every moment you're given.
Email away, sista! You know I'm always here for you!!!!!