Dysfunction Suits Me

So, we all know, my best friend of 15 years, Jess, lives in DC, and we have to live on plane tickets and long distance phone calls (thank god for cell phones!). Over the years I've gotten to know a few of Jess' good friends in DC and vice versa. One of her good friends is Deannie. I love that girl. She was so much fun at Jess' wedding. And I feel like I know her because Jess and I talk so much. Well, Deannie is in town this week, and tonight we had dinner...and a few drinks...a few...with a couple of the people she travelled here with. It was great seeing her, especially since when I'm in DC she won't be there. Thanks for hooking up tonigh, Deannie!

I told Jess my falling down story, she asked if I blogged about it. Yes, I did, but on MySpace, so because she doesn't read my much happier blogs over there (I save the sad stuff just for ya'll!), she said I must post it here. I picked Gabby up from her dad's, and on the way out the car, I stepped on a crack wrong...twisted my ankle and went flying through the air. Almost literally. Well, that makes it sound graceful...maybe just tumbling and rollilng describes it better. All the while thinking in slow motion, "You're falling. You're really going to fall, dumbass! How did this happen? No, really, you're actually tripping and falling!" I twisted my ankle bad, but I've iced it...as well as my wrist, and the pain as subsided a bit. On top of that I have a scab on my knee...I scraped the skin off a couple of toes, and the nail polish off my big toe. I think there might be a scrape on my elbow as well. How does this happen!!!??? It was quite...

I can't believd sometimes that I thought life was so hard when I was in high school. When Jess and I used to go into the office and have Care'N'Share w/ Schwenk, Zook, and Morales. Life seemed so difficult back then. Like I would never make it past another day. And to think that those three gals were the age that I am now at that time. It kind of makes me feel guitly. Because life is so much harder now. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of prentending. I can't. Nothing is working. I'm sorry. I've tried to be strong for a very long time now, and part of it is completlely true, but another part of it is a complete lie. I'm lost. I'm tired of pretending either way. If you're serious Schwenk, I would love to come out and spend a weekend with you. With or without Gabby. I remember when Jess told me how in a difficult part of your life, you went out to their house, and just "FELT". I need to do that so badly. I ...

I've tried to work on my self this past year. And change...LOTS of things. I've tried to think different. I've tried to suck it up. I've tried medication. I've tried to meet new people. I've tried to change the way I think, feel, do things. And, it helped. It really did. I worked hard...and it paid off. However, it's getting harder and harder to keep up with. I'm not sure I can work on the inner and outer me at the same time. No. That's not it, either. Some how I've lost my momentum. Again. Just like when I got really sick, and lost my momentum in life...school, work, relationships. I get on these kicks...and they can last a LONG time. Like school...I made it all 4 years. But lost my momentum in the end, and ruined my 3.8 GPA. It was a kick. I've lost the battle with lots of "kicks". I suck at life. Even though I try. Really hard. And, this could all probably just be chalked up as the normal trial and tribul...

What do yo do when your heart's gone missing? What do you do when you KNOW what will fix things, but you just can't grasp it? What do you do when you just can't stand on your own two feet anymore? What do you do when your body aches from need? What do you do when you want to talk to your "heart" and you can't? What do you do? You just accept it...and hurt...and call an ex.