My allergies are killing me today!!! The only thing I'm allergic to is mountain cedar, and it's that time of year again! I'm sniffling, coughing, and all pressured up! It's killing my still unhealed throat as well!
So, I just thought I'd elaborate a little more on the other night when I ran into JC. It was an event that I really wanted to go to, and I really knew that I would be able to handle the situation well if he showed up. I guess I was looking cute, but I didn't really feel like it. Anyway, the "seeing of each other" happened the way I said it did before, but let me emphasize just how "wrong" the timing was. We seriously had to walk by each other right at the top of a flight of stairs, almost bumping into each, and like I said there was that single, weird moment of eye contact, and I cannot even describe the look that he gave me...it looked like complete devestation or something...then as I walked by him in what was probably only a nano of a second, it was like the music stopped, and I threw my beer bottle away in the trash at the top of the stairs...onto other beer bottles, and the sound was completely deafening. It was really one of those moments...music stops, and then there is this loud glass shattering noise...everyone heard it...it was horrible...Andrea's beer bottle no doubt made the same noise before mine, but the music was still loud at that point.
Then for the rest of the night he stayed up at the front of the stage with his friends, who at one point came to say hi to me, and then stayed away, too. Andrea said she thought that I handled myself very well...that I was "poised". And, I felt poised. He seemed like the one freaking out with his friends all huddled around him. His friends, who I might add acted like they were my best friend the night I went out and he was out of town, and then pretty much treated me like the bitch from hell on this night. I understand...they were his friends first after all, but don't tell me that I'm the best thing that ever happened to JC, and that I should never leave him, and how much you love me, if you're going to turn around and treat me that way. I know, it was tense and awkward for everyone BUT me. Weird. The girlfriend that he had before me was extremely hated by everyone, and I was told time and time again how much happier JC was with me, and how much happier they all were with me, but this night...I felt like I was being treated like her. I felt like I was the one who had done something wrong, and that JC had turned around and decided to hate me for some reason. Anyway...like I said, he told Andrea that he was leaving right after Mr. Incredible's show ended because he just couldn't take it...whatever that meant...at the time he wasn't explaining why he couldn't be in the same room with me.
The next night was the regular karaoke night at Charlie Brown's, which of course I couldn't go to...JC made a point of telling Andrea that he would appreciate it if she would warn him ahead of time if I was going to be somewhere so he could do something else. So, at the karaoke thing, Mr. Inredible and Andrea had a "talk" with JC. These are the three parties parts in the conversation, but I don't know where they go or in what order, but this is what was basically said...
Mr. Incredible to JC - You guys have mutual friends, and you really need to get over this so you guys can hang out in the same room. Maybe you both need to start seeing other people. It has already been over a month. You're being a baby. You need to find some way to let it go...maybe not right now, but it NEEDS to happen.
Andrea to JC - I think she was saying the same things as Mr. Incredible. I know she said something about how I DID handle myself really well when we saw each other. Nothing bad happened. I didn't go crazy...I didn't try to talk to him. I was just there...and I was smiling and seemed pretty darn happy I think.
JC's response - You just don't understand. It's not like when I broke up with _ _ _ _...it's not like the next day I was singing "Ding Dong the witch is dead". I can't just start seeing someone else. I cared about Elizabeth too much. I can't just move on like that. I really cared about this girl, and I can't let her go. I can't be in the same room with her. You guys just don't understand. I can't let it go. I don't know if that's ever going to be able to happen.
So, the moral of the story. Great...he cares about me...that does make me feel better...I don't feel like the other hated ex. But...he cares so much about me he can't be in the same room with me...but he doesn't want to be with me. Bottom line. And who knows if that will ever change. One day he may or may not wake up and realize he made a mistake. I can't worry about that anymore. So here lies the end. The end of my saga with JC. I'm sure if something life altering happens I'll post about it, but I can't let this be part of my daily life anymore. And maybe one day he will let it go...I don't know...it's weird...he cares a whole shitload about me, but he can't be around because A)he thinks he'll change his mind and to him that's not the right decision...B)it makes him feel like an ass...or C)his ego just can't handle it. His immaturity doesn't allow for him to be able to deal with anything real. He just wants to have a good time and not have anything mess that up.
Andrea told me once that she thought JC was the kind of person who just couldn't be alone, and that if he found some girl that completely rocked his world, he would stay with her for the rest of his life, as long as that girl didn't rock the boat. Well, I rocked the boat. I couldn't just stand by and let this person that I thought was amazing ruin my life, his life, and the life that we could have together. I couldn't just stand by and NOT tell him that I thought he was an alcoholic, and that he was getting to an age where he needed to start getting it together. I rocked the boat...but in the end, I think I'll come out with a lot a more...I said before...in the end he'll be the one that has to get "over it". I "let it go" so that we could be in the same room. So that my life could continue like normal, and I could hang out and have fun with everyone. I mean I did lose more than just him...I lost a whole way of life that I had come to love... but this is it...I can't cry over this anymore. I deserve a lot more. I deserved to have him step it up and not run away from his feelings because he was scared. The End.
After swimming...what we spent the entire summer doing. This was part of the first pictures we ever took together. Actually, there were others from toobing on the river, but the people with those cameras just never got around to developing them, so I guess they're lost forever... And can I just say that I was SO FEAKIN' TAN!!!??
After going out and drinking way too much. Being silly. Part of what we spent the rest of the time doing. I love this face though. That face is very similar to the same face he would make when I would go over in the early mornings, and he would say, "Hurry up and get in bed with me!!!! It's so COOOLLLLDDD!!!" Just one of those memories that will only be funny and cute to us, and make everyone else sick.
Just JC. That is all. The End. I'd love to say "Good Riddance", but I don't think I'm quite at that point yet, but as far as this blog is concerned...it is...good riddance.
So, I just thought I'd elaborate a little more on the other night when I ran into JC. It was an event that I really wanted to go to, and I really knew that I would be able to handle the situation well if he showed up. I guess I was looking cute, but I didn't really feel like it. Anyway, the "seeing of each other" happened the way I said it did before, but let me emphasize just how "wrong" the timing was. We seriously had to walk by each other right at the top of a flight of stairs, almost bumping into each, and like I said there was that single, weird moment of eye contact, and I cannot even describe the look that he gave me...it looked like complete devestation or something...then as I walked by him in what was probably only a nano of a second, it was like the music stopped, and I threw my beer bottle away in the trash at the top of the stairs...onto other beer bottles, and the sound was completely deafening. It was really one of those moments...music stops, and then there is this loud glass shattering noise...everyone heard it...it was horrible...Andrea's beer bottle no doubt made the same noise before mine, but the music was still loud at that point.
Then for the rest of the night he stayed up at the front of the stage with his friends, who at one point came to say hi to me, and then stayed away, too. Andrea said she thought that I handled myself very well...that I was "poised". And, I felt poised. He seemed like the one freaking out with his friends all huddled around him. His friends, who I might add acted like they were my best friend the night I went out and he was out of town, and then pretty much treated me like the bitch from hell on this night. I understand...they were his friends first after all, but don't tell me that I'm the best thing that ever happened to JC, and that I should never leave him, and how much you love me, if you're going to turn around and treat me that way. I know, it was tense and awkward for everyone BUT me. Weird. The girlfriend that he had before me was extremely hated by everyone, and I was told time and time again how much happier JC was with me, and how much happier they all were with me, but this night...I felt like I was being treated like her. I felt like I was the one who had done something wrong, and that JC had turned around and decided to hate me for some reason. Anyway...like I said, he told Andrea that he was leaving right after Mr. Incredible's show ended because he just couldn't take it...whatever that meant...at the time he wasn't explaining why he couldn't be in the same room with me.
The next night was the regular karaoke night at Charlie Brown's, which of course I couldn't go to...JC made a point of telling Andrea that he would appreciate it if she would warn him ahead of time if I was going to be somewhere so he could do something else. So, at the karaoke thing, Mr. Inredible and Andrea had a "talk" with JC. These are the three parties parts in the conversation, but I don't know where they go or in what order, but this is what was basically said...
Mr. Incredible to JC - You guys have mutual friends, and you really need to get over this so you guys can hang out in the same room. Maybe you both need to start seeing other people. It has already been over a month. You're being a baby. You need to find some way to let it go...maybe not right now, but it NEEDS to happen.
Andrea to JC - I think she was saying the same things as Mr. Incredible. I know she said something about how I DID handle myself really well when we saw each other. Nothing bad happened. I didn't go crazy...I didn't try to talk to him. I was just there...and I was smiling and seemed pretty darn happy I think.
JC's response - You just don't understand. It's not like when I broke up with _ _ _ _...it's not like the next day I was singing "Ding Dong the witch is dead". I can't just start seeing someone else. I cared about Elizabeth too much. I can't just move on like that. I really cared about this girl, and I can't let her go. I can't be in the same room with her. You guys just don't understand. I can't let it go. I don't know if that's ever going to be able to happen.
So, the moral of the story. Great...he cares about me...that does make me feel better...I don't feel like the other hated ex. But...he cares so much about me he can't be in the same room with me...but he doesn't want to be with me. Bottom line. And who knows if that will ever change. One day he may or may not wake up and realize he made a mistake. I can't worry about that anymore. So here lies the end. The end of my saga with JC. I'm sure if something life altering happens I'll post about it, but I can't let this be part of my daily life anymore. And maybe one day he will let it go...I don't know...it's weird...he cares a whole shitload about me, but he can't be around because A)he thinks he'll change his mind and to him that's not the right decision...B)it makes him feel like an ass...or C)his ego just can't handle it. His immaturity doesn't allow for him to be able to deal with anything real. He just wants to have a good time and not have anything mess that up.
Andrea told me once that she thought JC was the kind of person who just couldn't be alone, and that if he found some girl that completely rocked his world, he would stay with her for the rest of his life, as long as that girl didn't rock the boat. Well, I rocked the boat. I couldn't just stand by and let this person that I thought was amazing ruin my life, his life, and the life that we could have together. I couldn't just stand by and NOT tell him that I thought he was an alcoholic, and that he was getting to an age where he needed to start getting it together. I rocked the boat...but in the end, I think I'll come out with a lot a more...I said before...in the end he'll be the one that has to get "over it". I "let it go" so that we could be in the same room. So that my life could continue like normal, and I could hang out and have fun with everyone. I mean I did lose more than just him...I lost a whole way of life that I had come to love... but this is it...I can't cry over this anymore. I deserve a lot more. I deserved to have him step it up and not run away from his feelings because he was scared. The End.
After swimming...what we spent the entire summer doing. This was part of the first pictures we ever took together. Actually, there were others from toobing on the river, but the people with those cameras just never got around to developing them, so I guess they're lost forever... And can I just say that I was SO FEAKIN' TAN!!!??
After going out and drinking way too much. Being silly. Part of what we spent the rest of the time doing. I love this face though. That face is very similar to the same face he would make when I would go over in the early mornings, and he would say, "Hurry up and get in bed with me!!!! It's so COOOLLLLDDD!!!" Just one of those memories that will only be funny and cute to us, and make everyone else sick.
Just JC. That is all. The End. I'd love to say "Good Riddance", but I don't think I'm quite at that point yet, but as far as this blog is concerned...it is...good riddance.
Comments
Just when you think you're moving on, sometimes you'll have a *moment*, but I think you're doing much better than I did in the past. You know you deserve better, but it's like your heart can't let go. You'll need more time, I think, but you're still healing! Whatever is meant to happen for you, will.