Dysfunction Suits Me

 I'm looking for some ideas. Healthy, fast, on-the-go snacks. I used my friend Google to help with some ideas. Do you know what I got? Nuts. Fucking nuts. Apparently nuts are the only quick, healthy snack.  I'm tired of nuts. 

I don't know how non-ADD brains, non-anxiety riddled bodies handle living in this type of chaos, but I can tell you that with ADD and anxiety, this construction chaos paralyzes me.  All I want to do is run away and travel instead of just buckling down and getting it completed.   It's been years of living in some sort of disarray.  That hole in my ceiling has been an ongoing project for nearly 10 years.  Something my estranged husband was supposed to handle, but never did.  So, I hired a guy from Thumbtack, who got the job done, eventually.  He could definitely strengthen his time management skills.   Big changes coming for this room.  Change is slow to come in this household, but I still hold out hope everyday that it will speed up.   

 Sixteen pounds gained after hiring a personal trainer many months ago.  I work out with the trainer twice a week. I walk/hike twice a week.  Gained sixteen pounds.  My eating habits have gotten worse.  My cortisol levels from stress are probably astronomical.  Cortisol is not a friend of weight loss.  Emotional, binge eating is my friend.  A friend that I don't want.  The kind of friend you hang out with because you don't have anything else to do and you're so incredibly lonely you feel like you'll die without some kind of contact.   This morning, a calendar reminder came up on my phone.  A reminder that just said "Babe's".  Took me a minute to remember that I actually set a calendar reminder to order Babe's Old Fashioned Hamburgers for lunch today, because even last night in my food drunk stupor, I wanted more food.  I SCHEDULED A CRAVING!  I didn't even remember doing it when the reminder came up!  This is bad.  Very, very bad.  Stuck.  Can'

 Seems like the older I get the more I tell stories that start with "20 years ago, I used to...".  So, 20 years ago, I signed up with a personal trainer I called Aaron the Beast. You can read about him way back at the beginning of this blog. I worked out with him for nearly two years. I've never been in better shape, felt stronger, or loved my body more. I was also 25 years old. Aaron moved on and I then signed up with Ray Ray the Savior, who later became Ray Ray the Killer. Worked out with him on and off for a few years. Kept the weight off for about 6 years until I started my downfall years between 2005 and 2019. I learned so much in those years. I had a lot of fun. I had a lot of misery. I allowed myself to become bitter and miserable and hard. Not me.  I've worked so hard over the last three years since my husband left, to become my best self. To live a whole healthy life. To embrace every emotion. To react the way I choose to no matter what's going on around

Written February 20, 2021, when I tried to start a  WordPress blog , but failed because I'm old and it's too complicated. I live in San Antonio, Texas because of circumstances, not the weather. Still… I’m going to need this winter to get back to the normal 60s and 70s.  The snow this past week was really pretty… the first night, when it was 10 degrees… not so nice the next night, when it was 9 degrees and the power went out. I never lost water, thankfully, but the power never came back on over the next four days.  On Thursday, when the power came on for all but 4,000 homes, I was one of the 4,000. Never even got a text message saying something like "you’re not part of the rolling blackouts… something is actually broken in your neighborhood… maybe you should plan accordingly". Annoying… cold.  We got relief at my sister’s house for a couple of nights. Power is back on, but AT&T is saying the outages damaged my router, so yay, no internet!! Kind of important for two

Written February 14, 2021, when I tried to start a  WordPress blog , but failed because I'm old and it's too complicated. My estranged (?), separated (?), I don't know what, husband, and I actually worked on this together.  I watched 1,000 YouTube videos and read another 1,000 posts on how to do this.  In the end, I took a little from here and a little from there. The faux brick paneling was bought from Home Depot.   We cut the seams with a Ryobi jigsaw , used liquid nails and a Ryobi nail gun to attach the panels, and used joint compound mixed with a bit of water for the schmear.  It's a perfectly, imperfect technique.  I practiced a little, but decided to just jump in and let the wall take on a life of it's own.  I will warn that the joint compound dries much whiter than you think it will.  Use sparingly if you want to see more brick. Once the wall was finished, I painted the other walls Sherwin Williams Perfect Greige .  Shelves and floors still to come.   Befor

Written February 13, 2021, when I tried to start a  Wordpress blog , but failed because I'm old and it's too complicated. I had big dreams of starting to blog again. Thought I would be so excited and write a post everyday. Life has changed so much in the last 10 years. I also now seem to find this intimidating... daunting... a chore... an expectation. Gotta send those thoughts away.  I've been working on a million home projects. I bought my house with my husband three months after our wedding. It was 30+ years old, but had been flipped. After looking at a million homes that all needed at least a coat of paint, a home with nothing to do right away seemed like heaven. That is until cracks and pens rolling off tables and slightly tilting table lamps started to happen. Foundation problem. A HUGE foundation problem. I was pregnant with my son when I demanded the foundation be fixed before he was born because I refused to live in a construction zone with a baby. I was emotional

Written January 11, 2021, when I tried to start a  WordPress blog , but failed because I'm old and it's too complicated. I love meal prepping taco/burrito bowls. A favorite is pork carnitas with cilantro lime rice, grilled corn, pico de gallo, and a little cheese. I made THE best batch if carnitas I’ve ever made today. Then I burned the rice so badly it almost caught the house on fire, and I destroyed my stock pot. The house smells horrible. I have a lot of carnitas and nothing else. This happened because i went to plug my phone in and proceeded to be entranced by IG Reels. ☆slaps forehead☆ Start again tomorrow…

Written January 1, 2021, when I tried to start a Wordpress blog , but failed because I'm old and it's too complicated. 2020 and I had a love/hate relationship. I hated seeing what was happening to others and the world. I dealt with my fair share of struggles, but mostly, I think I was the closest to contentment that I've ever been. 1. I LOVED working from home MOMO working from home 2. I felt closer to my family 3. I didn't mind the slower pace and less to do 4. I was able to have a better work/life balance 5. I felt more productive at home and at work 6. I did a couple of home projects - helped my parents landscape my front yard, gave my bedroom a makeover with my sister, and reorganized my pantry with her Before After Pantry Makeover Bedroom Makeover 7. I spent the best summer with my son and dogs at my sister'shouse - laughing, crying, painting rocks, getting to know my fur nieces and nephews (Wall-E, Maggie, Leeloo, and funny, little, Peyton who we lost in